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| • A War Of Fire Extract; Critique and Constructive Criticism | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 28 2016, 03:19 PM (136 Views) | |
| Rena | Jul 28 2016, 03:19 PM Post #1 |
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Pureblood Princess
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A WAR OF FIRE EXTRACT Please offer any Critique or Constructive Criticism for the below extract from my series 'A War Of Fire'. ► Please be respectful of others opinions. ► No flaming/bashing/trolling nor 'anti-type' hate. ► No stealing of literary concept(s) nor character(s). Black. A scorched land, writhing in flames. Charcoal branches twisted into inhuman shapes, as smoke billowed towards the heavens suffocating the air above. The heat entrapped creating a humid atmosphere. Ash. It covered the land like snow on a mountain, covering the crumbled bodies in a blanket as it choked all life underneath. Only dark pools, black with a crimson shine gave any color to the desolate wasteland that had once been home to life. All was quiet. Then... CAWW. CAWW. A raven. Its jet black feathers moving in swift motion as it swooped down to the earth, landing next to a large heap, considerably larger then the others. A shadowed figure followed, moving across the bleak landscape, making no sound. They moved forward, stopping only a couple of feet from where the large heap lay, looking down to a rather smaller bundle that leaned heavily on the larger. Golden, hazed over eyes met sharp yellowish green. “Victory is mine.” stated the shadowed figure, a degree of mirth lacing their voice. “Your dragon is slain, your father dead, your armies turned to ash, and you lie at deaths door. I wonder who will save your wife and son now?” The golden eyes flickered like a flame, the anger and disgust evident in their gaze. The shadow smiled. “Anger. Now you know how it feels to be helpless to protect those you love. It boils inside, doesn’t it, Aleksan?” “So this was all about her then….?” Aleksan panted for breath, each word exhausting what little energy he had left understanding seeming to dawn as he shook his head in disbelief. “You point at the injustices done to yourself, stating them as your validity for what you do. Yet, you are no better then those you profess to hate, and sought vengeance from, Cormac, as you have done exactly what they did.” he stated, his eyes boldly holding the others with contemptment. Cormac’s face crinkled in rage as his hand went to the princes throat, a huge dark shadow starting to emerge behind him from where he had come. His grip tightening in a deadly hold. “Here me now Dragon Prince.” He said, as his eyes narrowed, the large shadows form now distinguishable, its black scales glistening with blood as it moved forward, a deep growl rumbling in its depths. “I shall sweep a darkness of smoke across this world, as I bring all those guilty to justice. None will know peace, or safety forever fearful of the black flames, this is your punishment you all rightful deserve.” “Any last words?” For a moment the Prince said nothing, his eyes looking steadily into the others before his voice cracked through the air with authority. “From the ashes of this scorched world, my blood will rise again, renewed in dragon flames. They will rise up burning brighter then any before them, that none will be able to extinguish.” The words seemed to echo into the reaches of time, annoyance flickering through Cormac’s eyes at the words he had not expected. He let go with force, having the Prince struggle for breath as Cormac moved to the side allowing access for the black dragon behind him. The great creature towered over the injured man, its bat like wings stretching out in intimidation, before its jaws swiftly crushed down, crushing Aleksan's bones in one fell swoop, the body going instantly limp. The black dragon roared, as its rider laughed aloud. “Victory is MINE!”
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| Sy | Jul 28 2016, 05:18 PM Post #2 |
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🌙 Loveless Darkling
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Intro I like how you introduced the piece with the single word 'black'. It gives an immediate and sharp image of confusion, like being lost in the dark. This really sets up the mood for the rest of the piece. You then proceed to describe the environment which only helps to highlight the desolation and confusion one can sense when reading this piece. I think it was very clever to keep things very short and abrupt in the beginning paragraphs, because most readers lose interest quickly, so you need to move their attention along and make sure to snag their interest in trying to figure out just what has caused this traumatic experience of death and destruction. Splendid job on that front. Sentence Structure Most of this critique section will have to do with personal preference, so take it with a grain of salt. Beware of using awkward adjectives that take away from the sentence structure and conflict with the flow and beat of your words. Find the pulse (if you will) of your own voice. Don't try to paint a too perfect picture for readers to see. Trust the reader to invent the image for themselves. Focus mainly on feelings than actual material elements in the environment, unless specific things in the scene itself are paramount as plot drivers. Even then, you have to be careful and not overload a reader. When setting up an environment, you can get away with some vagueness and that even pays off many times in the long run. Desolation and hopelessness can be different things, in a physical sense, to different people. Pull more on their emotions. Don't tell them their mood, but more set the basis of their mood and they'll go the rest of the way in painting the picture. Development Excellent pacing, honestly. Not too fast or too slow. You give a great opening and carry through in introducing the possible villain and eluding to possible protagonists that could be introduced later on in the novel. I think you've done a very strong job here. Not much to critique. Dialogue This section is also preference, so take what you agree with and throw out the rest. Be careful not to sound too hokey or cliche with certain input from some characters. Their dialogue can forever determine the mood a reader has toward them. Sometimes, less is more. You don't have to explain everything in a single sentence. Remember that leaving a lot to the imagination is what drags the reader into wanting to read the book. Also, be very conscious of cliched statements like 'Victory is mine'. It's not the statement that can turn off the reader, but the way it is delivered. Remember that dialogue must appear earned by the speaker. If not, then they are just empty words. You have to build up to that kind of statement or it appears very cliche. With an intro such as this, I'd say less is more with dialogue. Glean what you can and keep what you must, but remember that leaving readers in the dark always keeps them coming back for more. Blessed Heaven's Night .·☽ Sy |
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| SamuelSama | Sep 12 2016, 11:36 PM Post #3 |
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Scribbler
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So I'll start of by saying that this is a pretty amazing set-up. I love how we're in the aftermath of a battle, one that was clearly deadly and dangerous, and then you introduced the concept of dragons in such a fluid manner that it made sense why the grounds and everything were scorched. In just a short amount of time, there was a lot of world-building and it was really quite cool to see. I like the way you introduced the character's names through dialogue with one another, leaving this piece as pretty strictly 3rd person limited. A sometimes difficult way of going about writing, but you displayed a wonderful talent of this method. ~ Lemme just address a few lines specifically here: "The heat entrapped creating a humid atmosphere." This doesn't quite work as a standalone sentence -- it's a dependent clause, with a few words missing to make it complete. "Heat entrapped, it created a humid atmosphere." I even switched around the words a bit to make the sentence sound more interesting, and give more power behind the heat ("the heat was entrapped" almost sounds a little passive, don't you think?). "Aleksan panted for breath, each word exhausting what little energy he had left understanding seeming to dawn as he shook his head in disbelief." Woooo, this sentence could use an extra comma! I had to read it twice because "what little energy he had left understanding seeming" was quite confusing. It all sounded like one big sentence with no breaths in between, not giving me as a reader to know that we're changing the subject from his exhaustion, tho this understanding dawning on him, if that makes sense. Lemme just rewrite it instead; maybe providing an example would be better. "Aleksan panted for breath, each word exhausting what little energy he had left, understanding seeming to dawn as he shook his head in disbelief." "Cormac’s face crinkled in rage as his hand went to the princes throat..." *prince's "His grip tightening in a deadly hold." Another incomplete sentence; this one seems like it could've been tacked onto the previous one, without it losing any of its emphasis. "... the large shadows form now distinguishable..." *shadow's "... his eyes looking steadily into the others before..." Kind of an odd way to put that he was looking into Cormac's eyes. "... his eyes looking steadily into Cormac's..." would've worked fine. With the way it was put here, I almost thought there was a crowd of people watching or something. ~ I also think that the very first line "Black" was a little superfluous. I think starting it off as the viewer looking upon cinders and charcoal is more powerful and sucks you in deeper than just the color of the landscape (which you reiterate anyway, making the original instance of the word "black" pointless). Lastly, I think that the end was a little cheesy. I would've liked it if it had ended on the dragon's ominous roar as his rider laughs. The dialogue just felt like cheesy villian being cheesy, not anything dramatic. The cawing of the crow seemed a little unnecessary, cliche, and cartoonish. The rest of the dialogue was decent, if not a bit flowery. Natural dialogue can be difficult to achieve, but the attempt was solid and it felt like two different people speaking. ~ Back to the good things so I can stop being a huge ass, I think that the pacing was very good! It was dramatic, but not to the point of rolling my eyes, and it had a really amazing build-up to the dragon taking a chomp out of Aleksan. Powerful stuff there. The imagery in this was also very good. It gave me the feeling that this was grim, scarce place that used to be prosperous and lively until the fighting. And the revelation of some woman was an interesting one, making me want to know more of the backstory and these characters. Very cool world, and I'm a sucker for dragons. Great work! ~ Funny how the previous commentor and I can have such differing opinions on the beginning of the story, yes? But we both found reason to enjoy it, and that's the true testament of good writing. Everyone has their own preference, so don't sweat it! |
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| Sinjun | Sep 19 2016, 07:00 PM Post #4 |
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Scribbler
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first good job i enjoyed what i read i enjoyed the sharp sentences such as "Black" or "Ash" to me it draws your eyes especially if these sentences are centered i think while the rest of the sentences are left aligned. it draws your eyes to them in that case making them unique. I like the pacing and how each of the paragraphs are short was it to highlight how little time was left for Connac? if so it does give some ideas about how to structure paragraphs and use that as a countdown of sorts to and ending of a chapter. there is something odd about the ending. I like the ending but something was nagging at me while i was reading it. It's another way to do it perhaps but what if you connected it back to the beginning with your opening word "Black". Opening with a vision of black and using the black to show Connac's fading vision.. fading to "Black" example (just an example to ) still i liked it and would love to read more.sharp pain filled him spiking through his bones cutting crushing while his vision of obsidian scales fading to... Black. |
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12:32 AM Jul 11
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example (just an example to
) still i liked it and would love to read more.
12:32 AM Jul 11