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Arsénalle FC, are a Foreign Football team known to have the most beautiful bunch of Footballers to ever play the game. The club consistently finish in the top 4 of the league on account of their pure beautiful footballers. In fact they play "Wengerball", 962 passes per minute and every 6.3 hours a shot will be made, usually by Alexander Hleb or Abou Diaby. In the summer of 2005, Arsenal turned down an offer of Kaka on a free transfer, due to the fact that he was too good looking, heterosexual, and had no French relatives.

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Typical Transfer no. 1
Mourinho: Hmm...that player that I saw the other day, lets buy him.

Russian Mafia Spy: That was a documentary on Franz Beckenbauer, the West German football legend.

Mourinho: Yeah, yeah spare me the details, offer him some cash so he will play for us.

Russian Mafia Spy: He retired from football like 30 years ago...I doubt he will be for sale

Mourinho: In that case, lets buy another German that begins with a B.

Russian Mafia Spy: Hmm...Ballack?

Mourinho: Sure, whatever, what have we got to lose anyway? Money? (laughs insanely)

Russian Mafia Spy: (laughs maniacally) Good one.

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Sir Alex Fergielicious gave the female name womanbrester utd - Old big red nose, who also invented the hair-dryer. Some guy edited this to say that he's the most successful football manager of all time by some considerible margin now. But, well, that's incorrect. For a start, it's considerable, not considerible. Secondly, Ferguson couldn't lick Bill Paisley's scrotum. Well, he could.

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Henry made his name scoring outrageously extraordinary goals after hypnotizing defenders with his psychedelic lip movements, for a club called Arsenal. His most famous goal is the one scored against Manchester United, when he volleyed over goalkeepers' head with his back turned towards goal, while his eyes were closed and his hands were tied behind his back. The goalkeeper, Foolian Barthez, watched frozen as he thought Henry was blowing him a kiss. Henry has gained a reputation of being a cheeky twat, as he once convinced a referee to allow a goal he scored before kick off. Instant replays confirmed that indeed, the match was yet to begin.

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Diving was discovered in 2003 by Christiano Ronaldo (formerly 3 time world diving champion). His impressive display of dives mesmerised Man Utd manager Fergie and prompted him to spend a club record £50 million pounds for his diving abilities. In his first two seasons of the premiership, Match of the day pundit Alan Hansen complained that Ronaldo had no "end product", he was of course referring to Ronaldo's inability to roll more than 5 times when falling to the ground when no contact has been made with the opposition's defenders and cry for longer than 10 minutes.

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After the demise of the The Spice Girls, media bosses agreed that the next big thing should be a 'Relatively Talentless Wholesome All-American Girl Who Says She is a Virgin While Displaying the Morals of a Call Girl in Vegas at 3 AM'. However, the Leaders were in a panic as to where they could find such a creature. After scouring America tirelessly for months on end (and sacrificing several dozen Republicans to Cthulhu), they stumbled upon a goldmine: Britney Can't Touch These Spears. Rumour has it that Spears has her own spear. Also she has speared Bill Gates, John Howard and Gandhi. One thing that we know is she's afraid of stairs.

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President Bush (Or "W", short for "wonderful" to his friends) was born on July 6, 1946, in New Heaven. He received a master’s degree in history from Yale University in 1968, much like the first Jesus, and then served as an F-102 fighter pilot in the Texas Air National Guard where he earned a Lone Star Medal of Honor, two Adjunct General's Individual Awards, and five purple hearts. President Bush received a Master of Business Administration from Harvard Business School in 1975. He did a great job in college, working hard, getting good grades, and getting no help from his father, who strove to instill the strong values in the president that are still present today.

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Sir Reverend Michael "Molesto" Jackson III, born on the cusp of Libra, and widely considered liable for the dawning of the age of Aquarius, grew up to become a musical artist. He is the mutated offspring of Eminem and Randy Bishop and was once widely regarded as a black man (now considered a myth and a good pick up line). He has been fighting The Jackson 5 for some time now. Biblical scholars have been able to trace his lineage via ancestry.com to that of an ancient concubine who put her baby in a basket and sent it down the river. No, not Moses. (*See US Child Protection Services case #584958495849.)

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In fact they play "Wengerball", 962 passes per minute and every 6.3 hours a shot will be made, usually by Alexander Hleb or Abou Diaby

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To do revolves around not getting mistaken for a sheep on a Friday night and having a nasty surprise inserted where the sun don't shine (which is pretty much all of Wrexham, hence the pale skin tone of the locals). Ironically Poland has no connection with Wrexham's main attraction, Poundland. Here you can find everything from mock Burberry baseball caps to fake gold chains.

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Chester's football team is world-class, recent victories include the Champions League, and somehow, despite not being an international club, FIFA World Cup 2010. Chesters bitterest rivals are Wrexham, who are now relegated to the Blue Square Premier. Meaning, Chester will probably beg for Shrewsbury to be their rivals - after all this 'You aren't our rivals' nonsense.

davidvilla7

May 26 2008, 10:54 PM

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Here you can find everything from mock Burberry baseball caps to fake gold chains.

:lol: :lol: :lol: Marnie will have something to say about that! :lol:

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Mating Rituals: Male

The mating rituals of the male Chav are interesting. Firstly, the Chav will attempt to ‘pimp himself up’, by putting on his most expensive Burberry shirt and Burberry baseball cap. He will then cover himself with fake gold jewellery known as bling bling – female Chavs share genetic traits with magpies and are attracted to shiny objects. He will then plaster his hair with hair gel. The reasons for this are unknown – it does not have any aesthetic advantage, indeed quite the reverse. A beguiling theorem is that female Chavs, on seeing the excessive amount of grease in the male Chav’s hair, will assume that he must be ‘loaded’ to use so much of a precious commodity, and thus be attracted to him. He will then go to a gathering spot such as a pub or bar and attempt to attract females by drinking, dancing and trying to start fights which he invariably loses.

Mating rituals: Female

When the reproductive urge is upon her (between around the ages of 8-12) and she is in heat, the female Chav will naturally look for a mate – not a long term mate, but effectively a sperm donor. She will therefore ‘slag’ herself: This means putting on more make-up than a clown uses in a year, squeezing into a strapless top 2 sizes too small for her and putting on a miniskirt that barely covers the pelvic regions. She will shower herself in cheap perfume, brush her hair tight to the back of her head and thus attired will sortie to a gathering spot. Upon finding a suitable mate she will ‘come on to him’, allow him to cop a feel and get a few free drinks off him before suggesting the alley behind the pub as a suitable place to consummate their sordid affair. The female Chav will repeat this several times during the night to ensure maximum possibility of impregnation. It should be noted that female Chavs do not have babies to ensure the continuation of their race, but merely as a way to scab extra money off the benefit system.

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Harry Potter, the book series by Just Kidding Rowling (in which Everyone dies, absolutely everyone. It is revealed that Harry was asleep for the whole series and wakes up in Middle Earth reading the Neverending Story the chronicles of Narnia)

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Kolo "Amazing Save" Tougey
Sex Fiberglass
Frankenstein "Chimpface" Keown
Ian "I feel like chicken tonight" Shite
E-man-u-el "Diving Cunt" Ebb-boo-ay
Robin Transit Van Skillz
Liam "The Master Bator" Brady
Tony "The Drunken Donkey" Adams
The Squirrel of Highbury
Jens "Please mention The War" Lemon
Emmanuel "I am Kanu in disguise" Adebayor A.K.A. Emmanuel Had-a-boy-whore
OOO AHH Gay-sex Parlour
He's bald, he's sh*t, he plays when no-one's fit, Pascal Cygan
Man-oooo-ell "The classic Brit" I'll moon ya
Willy-am "Screwed up Hair" Gallas
Ross "WOW" Silcott-Robotham (as known by the fans)
James "Gayboy" Martin
Christian "Greasy" Taki
Theo Wank-a-lott A.K.A Theo Smallcock
Bakary "If ya'r a boy I'll" Shag-ya
Phillipe Send-her-off!
David "Phycho killer from Corrie" Platt
Nigel "Please don't hurt me Paulo!" WinterGurn
Lee "Charisma" Dickson
Paulo "The Sniffer" Merson
Tomas "I'm not a girl" Rosicky
"BinLaden's favourite channel", Abou Dhabi
R-Sol "Judas" Campbell-END
Davor "COCK" Suker
Charlie "Great Mullet" Dickless
Robin Transit Van-Pussy
Robin Transit Van-Pisshead
Manuel "I'll Moon Ya"
Robin Transit Van-Horny

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That old man with a permanent frown, otherwise known as Arsène Wenger,sometimes known as Arse and Wanker, is known to have some strange methods of handling transfers and tactics. However, we have recently cracked the code on how Wenger decides on buying players for Arsénalle. The players must follow most, if not all of these following criteria

1. He must be French

2. He must be shorter than Wenger

3. He must NOT be a striker

4. He must weigh equivalent or less than Wengers weight divided by pi

5. He must NOT be older than Wengers age divided by pi

6. He must NOT be remotely close to the skill level of Thierry 'Lenny' Henry

7. He must NOT be from Britain, Guatemala, Canada or Uzbekistan, unforunately, this means Mrs. M Minhall cannot ever sign for Arsenal, also she is too old.

8. He must NOT be from any Premiership club

9. He must be faster than Wengers speed multiplied by the square of pi

10. He must have a funny name that can be manipulated into a verbal pun

11. He must be able to take candy from a Baby without a second thought.

12. He must be unable to shoot at goal

13. He must not be older than Robin Van Skillz.

14. He must get the Wenger seal of approval. This is when he has to be better than Francis Jeffers

15. He must have a bizarre name.

16. He must have a fake passport.

17. He must be under the age of 10.

18. He must be over the age of 11.

19. He must NOT be able to score

20. He must score more goals than the age of the earth divided by pi squared.

21. He must not be english.

22. He must be an immigrant.

23. He must surrender when playing a German team.

24. He must be able to dive.

25. He must shave his arse on a weekly basis.

26. He must have a brain as old as a 2 year old.

27. He must not be able to kick the ball further than twice his height.

28. He must have no balls

29. He must cry when the opponents get a penalty and run to the other end.

30. He must not be named Martin Taylor.

31. He must occasionally touch himself in very unnecessary places while playing.

32. His father must work in a zoo.

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8. George W Bush


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President Bush (Or "W", short for "wonderful" to his friends) was born on July 6, 1946, in New Heaven. 

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Liverpool FC are apparently the best football club in the world The Socialist Republic of Scouseland is a independent workshy state, occupying the entire region of Merseyside and lays claim much of surrounding area along the Mersey delta where a large percentage of the population is ethnically Scouse. The City of Liverpool functions as the de facto capital of the territory.

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Football positions

Once upon a time, all 23,568 players on the field used to hop about, kicking the ball all around the field in a frenzy of sweat, blood and yet more blood. However, ever since the damn Limeys discovered the "alternative to God" (and it isn't tea), football is played 11 vs 11. The Jews, not wanting to scurry all over the field (Oy gevald! Our ancestors have been slaughtered time and time again and he wants to ruin his shoes like those accursed goishes!), decided to create positions:

Goalkeeper: A player who has the right to handle the ball inside his little kingdom. While that sounds fun, all goalies ever do is stand inside their goals, waiting for someone to give them the opportunity to fly in the cool evening air like fags. Even their jerseys - long-sleeved shirts and shorts - raise the inevitable question: why the Hell are they called football players? And imagine the shame a former no. 1 experiences when he tells his grandchildren, "when I was a wee little bit older then yous, I shtood once a week in sommin' called the goal and flew at incomin' balls! Now donchye be laughin' - I med maugh money then you'll evah make as a shtinkin' lawyah or summin'!".
Goalkeepers like to boost their egos by telling themselves penis size is proportional to height, but if that were true, short people would have long gone extinct. Goalkeepers are known for producing their time stopping saves, and thinking that they are the best player on the pitch, examples being Will Taylor and Robert Green.
Centre Back/Full Back: A player who serves as an excuse for the goalie to use whenever he concedes a goal. Historically, FB's have always been big chumps who couldn't handle the ball, or simply less-talented strikers who wanted to do something other in life than work in a factory or make fish and chips all day long (they still had to work in factories. Where's Margaret Thatcher when you need her?). Nowadays, however, rules like the offside rule exist to stimulate FB's to think and make it seem like they were actually better than FB's a few generations ago, or as Marco Materazzi said: "the striker man, big shame to calcio, he try ruin my salary, so I put bastard in offside, and pussy runs to referee to say it wasn't offside and I stupid flagpole. So I later revenge and make sure pussy don't have child".
Defender: A player who defends the goal from threats along the sidelines. However, since the FB's usually do the charging and career-shortening for them, they are burdened with attacking from the sidelines, because they aren't as crammed full as the centre of the field (the reason to that remains a mystery to this day). Additionally, the poor souls need to dribble past the opposition occasionally and lob accurate balls into the oppositon's 16m box. With such hard work, it's no wonder paractically no defender has ever been chosen as player of the year. Defender must be gay and know a little bit about ballet. The most famous ballet dancer turned to football is Rio de Jeneiro Ferdinand Marcos.
Defensive Midfield: A player who does exactly what the FB's do, except for the fact that he does it a bit further away from goal and attempts the occasional fruitless challenge. However, several DM's have realised that they're simply shorter FB's, and have since been doing odd things, such as being playmakers or taking free kicks and not winning the ball (well, there's always that crazy Italian guy who'll do it for you!). Pussies.
Attacking Midfield: A player who gets the ball somehow and delivers it to the striker, or does fancy dribbling stuff. There isn't a lot more to be said on the AM, which just shows you what a dull position this is.
Alluring Fauntleroy: A player who wears a teasingly small miniskirt and attempts to distract the opposition by craftily flashing them the lower part of his buttocks. This occasionally backfires when his own team is accidentally distracted, or when playing against those who ascribe to the frowned upon doctrine of the 4-4-2 formation.
Winger: A defender with brains (Richard Dawkins claims this is an oxymoron) who is officially a midfield and so evades defending duties. They are generally the fastest players on the pitch so they can evade other irate defenders abusing them for not stopping goals.
Striker: A lazy git who waits for some sucker to pass him the ball so he can comfortably lift his foot up, score a goal and earn fame and glory. Some strikers play behind the main one, but they're just AM's hoping to kick the lazy bastard's ass for stealing their booty. Strikers also have an unfortunate tendency to fall to ground after receiving any sort of contact, real or imagined.
Libero: A player who initially sits in front of the goalie and supports the offence from time to time by running in a beeline, so he won't have to run too much when the FB's suck too much. Liberos are in fact defenders who are not disciplined enough to stay in one position, and as such they stagger around the pitch like a group of Scousers making their way back from the pub.
Subs: An unlucky player that warms the bench for the strikers, they usually have never kicked a ball in their life and are often retarded. They are either six inches or a foot long and, if lucky enough to be picked as the sub of the day, only cost £1.99. Examples include Charles Ower and Sean Maroney.

Little Fluffy Theo

May 26 2008, 11:20 PM

:shocker: Is it just me, or does he have [size=1]slightly rosy cheeks?[/size] ;)