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family rules; ... a guide to survival
Topic Started: Feb 26 2007, 12:09 AM (204 Views)
Eral
Kopi Luwak
Families. They're tricky. All the most annoying people in the world gathered in one room, who know everything about you, have absolutely no respect for you, and whom you love dearly.

Over the years my family has evolved a set of unspoken guidelines to assist us in navigating the emotional minefield of sibling rivalry, religious conflict, despised spouses and parental approval.
1.We all pretend everything is fine, and are nice to one another.
2.If you are upset about something, get over it quietly to yourself. You can first address the issue directly with the upsetting sibling, but as you'll then just have to get over it quietly to yourself, it seems redundant.
3.Bitching about absent siblings is only allowed if everyone feels the same.
4.Conversation must be funny.
5.The only response permitted to our brother is a pathetic "Oh, *insertname*" accompanied by rolling eyes.
6.Don't swear in front of mum.
7.No crying during conversations.
8. No complaining to Dad.


These rules have enabled us to see each other regularly several times a week, look after each other's children, and generally manage to hang together.

For some reason, my eldest sister has decided to IGNORE The Rules.
She only visits a few times a year, and we usually get by. This year, however, is different. She is rude. She ignores everyone except Dad, to whom she is sickeningly sweet. :blink: She brings up complaints about absent siblings at dinner. She relentlessly criticises my brother to his face and to everyone else. Including the nieces.
Yesterday, she left the house three times in tears. The first time nobody noticed, so she had to come back again, get our attention and then leave again. She isn't swearing, but everyone else is so upset, we are. She is alleging that two of my sisters are ignoring her, and failing to mention why. (We are all ignoring her, but for some reason she is singling out only two of us.) My dad felt so concerned yesterday he comforted her. :huh:

I am thinking of asking for an estrangement.
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Krazy
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I haz powah!
I'm impressed you have rules.

I know what you mean about large family gatherings, there's always one who has to behave badly in my family, although that person seems to change each time.

Conversation must be funny, I like that, although what standards do you hold, because if it ever gets on to history/politics/religion, then wit tends to get thrown out the window for arguing.

Don't swear in front of mum? Wow, I personally will swear at anybody who I think deserves it, although admittedly it has to be pretty bad for me to swear at people (well these days, before....) and at that point the audience becomes pretty immaterial.

As for settling squabbles in a civilised manner, not a chance, there's always guaranteed to be someone with a grudge :D
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Boeing
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Yellow
No elbows on the table. Ever.
I want you. I want you so bad. I want you so bad it's driving me mad. She's so heavy!
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Eral
Kopi Luwak
Elbows were never an issue for us. There was never enough room at the table to put your elbows on it.

It's all a delicate balance, though it's not that hard to keep things light in a room full of people with exactly the same sense of humour.
We all either do hyperbole and expressive inflection, or massive understatement and dry wit. When stressful moments arise, 1. is the immediate fall back position. My brother is extremely adept at provoking 5. at such moments as a diversion, and this is very helpful.
Every now and again, someone has a bad day and things go pear-shaped, but no-one has ever deliberately tried to stir things up.

Krazy, that doesn't include your mother, does it? :blink:
Swearing used to upset mum. We didn't upset her. It was pretty simple. You grow up with a woman who never said anything mean about anyone :huh: and thought "bum" was a terribly rude word, and who would pay out on you seriously if you didn't maintain standards, well, you don't swear in front of her when you are an adult. ;D At her? :eek: Would never happen.
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lara
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Kopi Luwak
This got me thinking about my family and whether we have any rules. The only one I've come up with so far is:

1. When Opa (grandfather) talks, everyone shuts up and listens. (He talks way less than half as much as the quietest of the rest of us.)

Fights are deliberately provoked. Well, not lately, but my father spent at least a year deliberately provoking fights with me. I suspect I'm still angry that I was the one who had to grow up in our relationship.

We don't tend to pretend things are fine. In my family, when things aren't fine, it's quite obvious - it's even louder than usual. No one gets over anything quietly. It either involves copious crying, loud voices, or both.

Bitching tends to happen only in small gatherings - say, me and my bestfriendsister talking about [insert name here].

Jokes are good, dry humour the best. Sarcasm must be witty, then it can be as cutting as possible and forgiven for being clever.

We tend not to complain much. If you complain in my family, dad and my bro both tell you different ways to suck it up appropriately. Complaining isn't much worth it.

Oh, did think of another one.

2. No matter how crazy we drive each other, we are family, and we all continue to love each other even when we can't spend an hour in a room together without getting in a fight.

and

3. Don't give my dad and his sister more than one tiny glass of Cointreau each, or the rest of us may as well leave the room immediately and return after they've finished yelling at each other about public vs. private schools for a couple of hours so we can drag one of them home.

i have a very loud, very emotional family.
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Krazy
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I haz powah!
Since you asked Eral, yes it did, not often mind. I had anger problems as a teenager that still surface occasionally. I guess my mother wasn't that "pure" either. Well, my dad and grandparents weren't either really.

And lara's no. 2 rule applies to our family as well. We are very close.
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Regullus
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Reliant
I know we have rules but they are unspoken; basically lara's two and avoidance.
tempus_teapot
 
I'd like to add that at this point I have taken my Spider Jerusalem action figure and tied his wrist to my Cassidy (from Preacher) action figure just so I can work out which positions are feasible with them and which aren't.

Read that and weep, internet. Weep!

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Eral
Kopi Luwak
Ah, avoidance. Family glue. :lol: We used to all just shout at each other: we're all too tired now. Also, see references to mum. When I was younger, I used to feel really frustrated that I couldn't talk to mum and tell her stuff, I couldn't have arguments with her. But as I got older, I came to accept her "failings" better as well as better appreciate her strengths.

I think the purpose of all family rules is so you can hang together. Family is valuable, though annoying. Which is why my sister's behaviour is so disturbing. She is provoking pointless upset and antagonism, isolating herself from everyone.
Why does she want that? :shrug2:
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Regullus
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Reliant
Sometimes people have stuff to say and they don't appreciate the value of silence. At one point I had a lot to say but I grew up.
tempus_teapot
 
I'd like to add that at this point I have taken my Spider Jerusalem action figure and tied his wrist to my Cassidy (from Preacher) action figure just so I can work out which positions are feasible with them and which aren't.

Read that and weep, internet. Weep!

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Eral
Kopi Luwak
My sister is 45 years old. :unsure:
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lara
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Kopi Luwak
Some people take a little longer to grow up. Some never grow up.
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Bex
puppet dictator
I'm hard-pressed to come up with rules for my family, other than perhaps my own self-imposed set, mostly based on the joys of navigating the parental divorce. I suppose there's an unspoken agreement to be patient with my sister, regardless of what she wants to prattle on about (it's not her fault).

My rules for dealing with my in-laws are something like this:
"Bite your tongue, girl."

I don't know if my family is what would conventionally be called "close." We're quite content to ignore one another for months, which doesn't mean we don't get on fine when we do talk or meet up. I think it's just that we're all very independent and busy with various interests.

Justin's family requires constant updates of every single insignificant detail of every person's life. I wasn't raised like that and really can't stand it. When my family talks, it's... well, it's not like how they talk. His Mom asks me, "What's new and exciting?" and I just cringe. Exciting in my family is my uncle getting arrested again, or somebody's home burning down, or facing a thousand bucks in vet bills. Exciting we don't need. Exciting to them is winning a bridge tournament. The perspectives are so different.

This is a list of typical conversation topics from an evening with my maternal family: drug addiction, what it's like in jail: an insider's perspective, near-death experiences, raising families, raising wolves, carpentry, gardening, cultural anthropology, genetics, firefighting, cartoons, poverty, prostitution, travel, books, a historical perspective on medical practices, my Grandfather's "ghost" and atrocious taste in paint colours, psychology, fashion, and what's for dessert.

Dad is sadly less interesting. But he often comes up with better desserts.
I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should,
but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed.
-Min Jin Lee
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Eral
Kopi Luwak
Justin's mother would probably like our family. We love to tell a good story. We can make a good story out of anything. We wouldn't ask questions, though. :o That will get you nowhere. You just let people tell their story, if they feel like it. If you really want to know what's going on in someone's life, you ring another sister later. :smart2:

I very much admire the breadth of Bex's maternal family conversation: I could get a lot of material in very little time, I can see. ;D However, I'm a strong believer in good desserts, and would probably choose her dad's place.
:bc:
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Boeing
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Yellow
Eral
Mar 1 2007, 06:40 AM
Justin's mother would probably like our family. We love to tell a good story. We can make a good story out of anything.

This sounds awfully embarassing but all of our family members have a list of 'classics' burned in to their heads. From triumphs to mishaps, it's all in there. B)
I want you. I want you so bad. I want you so bad it's driving me mad. She's so heavy!
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Eral
Kopi Luwak
But there's nothing like a classic story to give everyone a hearty chuckle. :sarcasticeyeroll: Especially if it's squirmingly embarassing for someone.

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Eral
Kopi Luwak
http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/dys...2338796076.html

A family who really need rules. :blink:
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Boeing
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Yellow
The Osbournes were worse.

:smart2:
I want you. I want you so bad. I want you so bad it's driving me mad. She's so heavy!
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Eral
Kopi Luwak
Really? :eek:

I wonder why we like reading about and watching bogans. :(
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Blood_Raven
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Come burn with me.
Stupid "reality' shows. I always thought Ozzy Osbourne was cool until I saw an episode of the Osbournes. Than I realized what a total loser he is. Hell I think all of the drugs and booze in his past killed off his brain cells, he's so bloody damned stupid.
TheFrozen North forums. Where it's at.
Mood for today: Perfection
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Boeing
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Yellow
Same with Gene Simmons. Not only did he make awful music, but his candour on Rock School (or whatever it was called) was a bit...iffy.
I want you. I want you so bad. I want you so bad it's driving me mad. She's so heavy!
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Eral
Kopi Luwak
Yers, I lost the teeny weeny fragment of respect I had for him after that. :x
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Blood_Raven
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Come burn with me.
The only thing Gene has going for him is his tongue. He's is not even close to being a good looking guy.
TheFrozen North forums. Where it's at.
Mood for today: Perfection
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Eral
Kopi Luwak
Yep, turns out that make-up was a good idea. :lol:
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