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| Women re: men in positions of "authority" | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 8 2007, 05:28 AM (563 Views) | |
| Joe | May 11 2007, 02:40 PM Post #26 |
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Coffea Canephora
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I have suspicions that a girl is interested in me, and if she is, I am wondering how genuine that interest is. I am wondering how a certain situation in her personal life might influence this attraction if it exists. |
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In the shadow of the light from a black sun Frigid statue standing icy blue and numb Where are the frost giants I've begged for protection? I'm freezing | |
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| Regullus | May 11 2007, 03:03 PM Post #27 |
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Reliant
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Does she seem like a needy person to you? How old is she? What's the age difference between the two of you? She probably likes you, not the tutor. However, you know the girl and the situation and we don't. You should trust your instincts. Most of the time, if people act interested, it's usually fairly straightforward. You may be correct to question the situation and if its causing hesitancy, you may be right to hesitate and probably should avoid furthering the relationship. |
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| Bex | May 11 2007, 04:25 PM Post #28 |
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puppet dictator
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That's key. If alarms bells are going off in your head, heed them. If you don't hear alarm bells, are available (IIRC, you've mentioned a girlfriend, so the rest might be moot), and return her interest, then I would suggest you not overexamine the situation. We could all die trying to figure out exactly why so-and-so likes us. But try to look at the situation from what you know about this particular person. Don't look to explain her actions as being just a thing that "women" do. Even if it's not a genuine interest, view as characteristic of needy individuals, not based on gender. Anyway, what's the worst that could happen? Realistically speaking. |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| Joe | May 11 2007, 09:16 PM Post #29 |
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Coffea Canephora
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The worst that could happen is that she stays in her current situation. I'm not opposed to the idea in general, but I want it to be real. I'm no longer with my girlfriend, but she is...married. Quite unhappily, it seems. Her husband has kept her dependent on him for the last two years (that's how long they have been married). They're Persian, and having only lived here for the last two years (though both of them had spent time here separately in the past), she really has no local friends except for me and another Persian woman. He has kept her from getting a license and, until this semester, from going to school. He doesn't like her to go out or really do anything. It seems like she has decided to leave him, but because of her dependence, she has to prepare for it. Right now I'd like to just help her gain her independence. I showed her how to pump gas on her own yesterday. Every little bit helps, here. Her other friend showed her how to set up a bank account and pay her bills. I am 22 (23 in August) and she is 24. Her husband is 36. As long as she gets out of her situation, I will be happy. It doesn't matter if her and I become more than friends (well, of course it would be nice, but her emotional and physical health are far more important). |
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In the shadow of the light from a black sun Frigid statue standing icy blue and numb Where are the frost giants I've begged for protection? I'm freezing | |
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| Bex | May 11 2007, 10:22 PM Post #30 |
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puppet dictator
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It sounds like you're doing things right so far. You'll be better able to find out what the relationship could be once she's safely divorcing her current husband and able to gain some independence. If her husband is at all violent or seems capable of it, please please please be careful, for the sake of this woman and anyone who could be seen as assisting her in her "betrayal." Encourage her to make other friends as well. She's going to need them. |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| Eral | May 11 2007, 11:36 PM Post #31 |
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Kopi Luwak
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Glad we have established there was no hostility: and thank you Bex, I was proud too. I saw he had put authority in inverted commas and was making an effort to avoid sounding like the sort of person who needs a visit from the Feminst SWAT team. If you want to ask us for advice, Joe: then ask. But if you want us to tell you anything helpful, you'll need to spill a few facts. Jeez! I had a few horrible moments there where it seemed you were talking about a much younger woman, and I was getting ready to do my best :eral:. Could you stop scaring us like that? Firstly: you are not in a position of authority with the young woman. You are helping her. She is probably grateful to you, which should give you a warm fuzzy feeling. You are allowed to feel this. Your suspicions that the young woman couldn't possibly have good feelings about you unless she was acting under some horrible pathological urge innate in all women is probably more to do with your feelings about yourself: the sense of utter worthlessness all Catholics are trained to harbour. Don't argue: I know. She might like you because you are kind and a good person. She might consider you to be her friend and someone she can be on equal terms with. Women are not strange aliens operating under a mysterious set of rules, who are out to rip you off and from whom you need to protect yourself. This is a very irritating notion, and I strongly suggest you drop it into a deep dark hole. You can't be safe from emotions or life. You can't predict them, and you can't know how things will turn out.The whole I will plan everything and be safe? Just not going to be a happening thing, unless you are planning to live in a cupboard all your life. If you love someone, you might be betrayed, or hurt, or stooged. You have to run with it. You have to jump into the unknown. It helps if you can believe you are worth loving. If unable to reach this conclusion on your own, therapy is very helpful. I wish your friend the best of luck. |
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| Joe | May 12 2007, 11:53 AM Post #32 |
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Coffea Canephora
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The reason I have my doubts has nothing to do with my Catholic background, but rather the fact that human beings are naturally shallow creatures when it comes to assessing their mates. |
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In the shadow of the light from a black sun Frigid statue standing icy blue and numb Where are the frost giants I've begged for protection? I'm freezing | |
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| Regullus | May 12 2007, 04:38 PM Post #33 |
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Reliant
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Tad cynical point of view about human interactions. In my honest opinion based on what you've written I would avoid deepening the relationship. Be a friend, helpful, introduce her to the practicalities of independent life but do not get romantically involved at this point. Sorry, I doubt that's what you wanted to hear. I don't think this is a gender issue, it's what's known as a messy situation and I wouldn't recommend anyone getting romantically involved with either of them at the moment. If she actually leaves him and establishes a new life for herself. Maybe. Personally, I think you are in over your head. |
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| Krazy | May 12 2007, 05:40 PM Post #34 |
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I haz powah!
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Yeah, be careful Joe. But I hope it all turns out well for both of you. |
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| Eral | May 13 2007, 12:25 AM Post #35 |
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Kopi Luwak
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Right. You've worked this out at age 22 in a logical rational manner based on your wide direct experience of human nature. Catholic denial. :rolleyes: If that is the case, you are a pompous twit and need have no concerns about the young woman developing warmer feelings towards you. She won't. Unless she is a complete masochist, in which case, a long and unhappy life to you both. There is always the possibility that you are completely misreading the situation, and the young woman hasn't the slightest concern about her future relationships, because finding somewhere to live and feeding herself are her biggest priorities. She may of course be an evil manipulator, looking for the next man to take care of her: guess you'll have to let wide direct experience of human nature be your guide on that one. In all seriosity: I understand Regullus' caution: she's probably thinking about that poor young man who happened to visit Nicole Simpson the night she was murdered: but if the young woman needs help, and asks you, then giving that assistance would be right. Try not to get shot. |
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| Joe | May 13 2007, 01:57 AM Post #36 |
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Coffea Canephora
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You are such a piece of shit. |
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In the shadow of the light from a black sun Frigid statue standing icy blue and numb Where are the frost giants I've begged for protection? I'm freezing | |
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| Bex | May 13 2007, 03:55 AM Post #37 |
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puppet dictator
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*eyeroll* to various manly pink comments Still, I don't think that your attitude towards people in general, Joe, speaks very well of the attitude you can have towards your friend. I think going through life with the attitude "people suck" is liable to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you can't approach humanity with an open heart, nothing's ever going to find its way in there. |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| Joe | May 13 2007, 07:25 AM Post #38 |
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Coffea Canephora
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What does "people suck" have anything to do with what I have said about this situation? What does "people suck" have to do with my response to Eral? |
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In the shadow of the light from a black sun Frigid statue standing icy blue and numb Where are the frost giants I've begged for protection? I'm freezing | |
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| Bex | May 13 2007, 02:40 PM Post #39 |
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puppet dictator
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Effectively, "people suck." And if you're coming at it from that angle, rather than just letting things happen as they will, then it's going to colour everything that happens after. My post had little to do with your response to Eral. That's between the two of you. |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| Joe | May 13 2007, 05:52 PM Post #40 |
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Coffea Canephora
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That's not a reason I would say people suck. People ARE shallow when it comes to choosing their partners; physical attractiveness is always a major factor with most people. I am not bitter about this, I am only being realistic and careful. I'm letting things happen as they will, but I'm not putting myself in a situation where I will have clouds disappear from underneath me, causing me to fall long and hard. |
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In the shadow of the light from a black sun Frigid statue standing icy blue and numb Where are the frost giants I've begged for protection? I'm freezing | |
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| Eral | May 14 2007, 08:04 AM Post #41 |
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Kopi Luwak
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Most people? Always a factor? Shallow? Is everyone you know really stupid? You poor thing. You are not being realistic and careful: if you were saying " when my friend's situation normalises, I will see if our relationship deepens", then yes, you would be. At the moment you are suggesting that people - women in particular - make their life choices based on need and selfishness. You are also suggesting that you need to be on your guard from predatory women attempting to lure you into emotional commitment when all they want is your body/money. This suggests either you have an over-blown ego, or an under-developed one. In either case, get over yourself already. Come on Bex, I was so good for so long.
That was just beautiful. And even my Manly Pink post is sprinkled with kindness and warmth. So maligned and wounded.
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| Bex | May 14 2007, 02:36 PM Post #42 |
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puppet dictator
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It was an amused eyeroll. Pesonally, I'd be a touch miffed if my mate told me he'd never found me sexually attractive at all and only loved me for my mind. |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| Drew | May 14 2007, 09:32 PM Post #43 |
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Apparently not Cybersquirt's favorite person
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My wife's been saying that for years. Never bothered me. What bothered me was when she told me not to worry.....because size doesn't matter.
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| Poor baby. Couldn't find a fight anywhere else so you had to come here, huh. -Cyber. | |
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| Joe | May 14 2007, 11:44 PM Post #44 |
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Coffea Canephora
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Well it's settled. She's moving to LA to live with her father and brother. I'm very happy and proud that she had the strength to do this, but it's very sad at the same time. I'm feeling a...controlled rage regarding her piece of shit husband, |
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In the shadow of the light from a black sun Frigid statue standing icy blue and numb Where are the frost giants I've begged for protection? I'm freezing | |
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| Eral | May 15 2007, 07:58 AM Post #45 |
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Kopi Luwak
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Anyone who only loves my mind is my friend. That would be a very disappointing attitude for a lover to take. All the fun bits would be gone from the relationship. :lol: Joe assumes that looks are the first/most important factor in attraction: not so. Especially as people we are attracted to often seem more attractive than thay really are.
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| lara | May 16 2007, 04:07 AM Post #46 |
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Kopi Luwak
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My family and friends seemed surprised by my husband's looks when they met him. I think I painted him as an Adonis, or something - I'm not sure, but I certainly found him gorgeous. It's called chemistry and it's what makes us want to do what makes babies. These are all good things. |
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| Krazy | May 16 2007, 07:41 AM Post #47 |
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I haz powah!
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Actually, I agree with Joe, people do basically "suck" and are shallow, at least 99.9% of the ones I've met so far. Something has to draw you to that person in the first place, if its not what they look like (imagined good looks or otherwise) what is it then? Everyone knows the brain notices everything and we get a strong first impression that colours how we see that person for a long time. |
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| Eral | May 16 2007, 08:52 AM Post #48 |
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Kopi Luwak
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Oh great. Two of them. What, you never talk to anyone and find them interesting? Or funny? If perceived physical perfection was the only reason anyone hopped into bed with anyone else, there'd be an awful lot of virgins. Some people suck, some people are shallow: but if making generalisations, please Manly Pink. For example, Men are commitment phobes. |
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| Krazy | May 16 2007, 09:32 AM Post #49 |
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I haz powah!
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Like I said about 0.1% are interesting or funny. The other 99.9% are best forgotten about or I took an instant dislike to them. I take an instant dislike to a lot of people I meet - because funnily enough they suck. If they didn't suck, I wouldn't dislike them and probably find them interesting or funny. How's that? Now, in my own experience that 0.1% in reality is 1%, so 99% of people actually *do* suck. |
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| Regullus | May 16 2007, 12:42 PM Post #50 |
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Reliant
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I've haven't been instanstaneously attracted to someone since I was in first grade when I saw a little girl with blonde hair and a big grin. She remains one of my dearest friends. It's rare I like someone immediately but I don't dislike them either I'm more neutral and maybe over time I will grow to like them, or not. My husband says he liked me from the moment he saw me but I was getting castigated by someone at the time and didn't really notice him right away and when I did notice him, I liked him because he seemed funny and nice then I started noticing his looks or more specifically the way he walked and how his jeans fit. (The evil grin is a fond lascivious grin in this case.)For me, sexual attraction is a mix between charm and looks. I'm sorry the girl has left the area but delighted she left her husband. You never know, Joe, you two may meet up again when she is in a better place. |
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(The evil grin is a fond lascivious grin in this case.)
8:54 AM Jul 11