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High fidelity
Topic Started: Oct 3 2007, 12:30 AM (392 Views)
Eral
Kopi Luwak
What a prick. :rooster: "Please continue to provide me with the comfort and familiarity of an intimate relationship, while I bonk someone else." See how the woman is now the bad guy, being unpleasant and ruining the relationship? :medusa:

I wonder if Penelope is equally as shallow and selfish as Alan? Perhaps he is a good actor, or has a very impressive line in lies. :shrug:
I think Penelope should be wary. Sounds to me like Alan is one of those people who always moves from one relationship to another. No hard feelings and all. :bash: :grumpy:

The Bimbo of my friend's husband refers to my friend as "the psycho wife." I see why dismissing my friend's anger and hurt as "psycho" works for her, she can justify the husband continuing the relationship with her: but it reinforces my prejudice that she is not a high-class person.

EDIT: I have just realised we hadn't turned the page before going OT.
Oh well. B)
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lara
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Kopi Luwak
Well, yes. Penelope is young and I'm sure he was the impressive older man. She's something like 26 and he's 44 and had a permanent role on the show while she was filling in for a woman on maternity leave. He's got a certain young charm, I'm sure - I'm just too old to have it turned on to me and too jaded (seasoned?) to fall for it anyway. And fame doesn't impress me; I'm a journalist and I've met far more famous assholes than him, and some very nice famous people, as well.

I can see her thinking of Tennyson as a psycho, as well, but frankly, even if she were behaving a bit like a psycho (which, as far as I can tell, she isn't, but I'm not in the home), she has a bit of an excuse.
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Bex
puppet dictator
Oh, hey, it's totally like, the latest Savage Love column (first letter).

I've also dug up some older columns that I think add to the discussion.
Cheating may not always be wrong, but in your case, yeah it is. (middle letter)
According to women, we really do have a lower sex drive. Also, a brief and amusing mention of Richard Dawkins. (entire column)
Before anyone gets upset, women with high libidos respond by the score. (entire column, plus extras)
I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should,
but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed.
-Min Jin Lee
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Eral
Kopi Luwak
He is amusing. :huh: :lol:
I like his straightforward approach, but some of his lighter comments could be seen to endorse "I don't get enough sex therefore I shall cheat" rather than, "I don't get enough sex so I should talk about it with my partner and come to a mutually agreeable position." :eral:

How funny, the women with high sex drives have all been accused of unseemliness. :rolleyes: <_<
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Bex
puppet dictator
Eral
Oct 8 2007, 11:27 PM
How funny, the women with high sex drives have all been accused of unseemliness. :rolleyes: <_<

To be fair, low-libido women seem to consider their partners' higher sex drives rather unseemly as well. It's just more stereotypically a male characteristic, so the man-bashing is societally expected (but also unfair).

Everyone who wants more sex than their partner is dirty. Everyone who wants less sex than their partner is holding out. There. Simple.

We've got these friends who had a baby a few months ago, so she's understandably tired, not feeling sexy, etc. He helps as much as he can, but he's the breadwinner so only gets up with the baby on weekends and such. At any rate, she caught him masturbating recently (apparently guys do talk about this stuff, and some of them happen to tell their wives) and she screamed at him over it. I really don't know if they've actually talked about the situation since then or not. He's mostly worried that he's going to lose her if he makes a wrong move, I think. His ex-wife became increasingly flaky after giving birth, eventually walking out on him and their son. It's left him more than a little freaked-out.

I think the real barrier to communication is actually fear that you're going to be judged and found wanting if you try to express what you really feel. Maybe you know the other person isn't going to like what you have to say. Maybe you're wrong about that, or maybe you're just not sure what they'll say, but I think fear holds people back more than anything. "If I say X, then maybe he/she won't like me anymore." But I figure, even if talking about whatever leads to the relationship being over, if it was really important, isn't it for the best? (I need to dig up a different column, about sexual karma.)

Veering sideways - Has this thread touched at all yet on why the vibrator was initially invented?
I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should,
but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed.
-Min Jin Lee
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Bex
puppet dictator
The Karmic Rule of Kink (first letter)
Readers sound off in response.
I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should,
but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed.
-Min Jin Lee
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Regullus
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Reliant
I did read the links and I have to say I disagree with parts of Sewell's (?) theory. I don't disagree necessarily with the conclusion women have less testosterone than men but I'm not sure it explains sex drive disparities based on reading Sapolksy's The Trouble with Testosterone which in essence says the link between sex drive, violence and testosterone is not explicable.

I don't really buy that women prefer chocolate or food to sex although I did read something years ago about women and food, its main conclusion was that some traumatized women relied on food and fat as a shield. Food is always reliable and pleasant while other people aren't.

Personally, I find my sex drive wanes and increases due to life events. Forinstance, pregnancy and c-sections definitely caused a decrease for me. C-sections are major abodominal surgery and then add to the pain taking care of newborn, the lack of sleep, nursing. Your body's doing a lot a work and you're not in optimum condition. (I hope that wasn't TMI :redface:)

In moments of stress, your body makes automatic responses to the stress and sex drive is one of the first things to be suppressed.

Emotion definitely plays a role too. If I'm frustrated with life events then I might be more into sex but if I'm frustrated with my partner, well, nobody be getting booty.

What is an interesting question is what makes a deal breaker in a relationship? "My husband/wife got fat and I don't find them attractive! Dealbreaker or are people being shallow? What is a partner owed? A certain fitness? A certain amount of sex? A certain amount of kindness? I think compromise and understanding.

A spouse says to their spouse: "I've been really patient but I need to have sex!" What the spouse is really saying, "If I don't get sex, I will find it elsewhere eventually." Trust me, I speak wo/manian. :lol: The other spouse understands exactly what thier partner is saying and the reaction is what?

I know what my reaction would be: I understand what you're saying and I appreciate your point of view but I'm pretty pissed that your threatening me, not understanding my pov, and essentially telling me that you'll cheat on me if I don't pony up. Thanks for the heads up! <_<

What should happen is both spouses compromise as Savage said, what may happen is the relationship continues to deteriorate.

Boredom, I think is a pretty poor excuse to cheat and again the operative word is cheat.

Recently a Pastor died from self erotic asphyxia with a dildo and that brings up the question of extreme sexuality and a spouse's responsibilty to satisfy these urges.

Embarrassing as the man's death was, and arguably hypocritical to his beliefs, I don't really find erotic asphyxia that reprehensible but on the other hand, I couldn't participate in such ritualized sexuality. I would find it pathetic, laughable, shocking and boring all at the same time. It's an anathema to my sexuality and I don't think no matter how much I loved someone, I could ever participate.

Re: Bex's Post:

I definitely wouldn't be cross if I found my spouse masturbating unless the masturbatory material was something distasteful to me. I think his wife is just stressed. It's a big adjustment having a baby and the body's doing all sorts of stuff. I had times during pregnancy when hormones definitely grabbed a hold of me, one time I got overly upset about something sooooo minor and I knew it but it was tough to get a grip, I had to go off by myself for ten minutes and I really had to make an effort to get a grip. I also cried more easily over sappy things.

I know, I know why the vibrator was initially invented and I was floored at the idea of it all. :rolf: I still can't quite believe it. It's kinda of true in a way, a good orgasm does take the mind off all sorts of problems.

Personally, the best sex is fun sex. You feel good and everything is good. (I know, I know, too much info. Sorry.)
tempus_teapot
 
I'd like to add that at this point I have taken my Spider Jerusalem action figure and tied his wrist to my Cassidy (from Preacher) action figure just so I can work out which positions are feasible with them and which aren't.

Read that and weep, internet. Weep!

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lara
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Kopi Luwak
Well, as someone who had a baby and zero sex drive for months after, if my husband had sought elsewhere, that woulda been the end, but I don't think that's the kind of thing Savage was talking about, to be fair. That's a physical problem that heals, not forever. Of course, I knew he was masturbating and, well, yeah, maybe the new mom is feeling - well, I felt a little that way once or twice, and it was because I was feeling completely inadequate and unsexy, not because I thought he was doing anything wrong. I knew why. I can't imagine screaming at someone over a bodily need, though.

And yes, sometimes I think the relationship hits bloody boring and it's not necessarily the person with the low libido's fault. I think people should look back - what were things like when I was getting some regularly? Oh yeah. We both slept a lot. We both had lots of time to ourselves. We both went out a lot. We took turns seducing each other. We dressed up and made ourselves pretty for each other. When's the last time I did that?

It makes a difference.
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Regullus
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Reliant
Relationships change for a lot of reason or sometimes because people don't change and that's probably where the problems really start.

lara's friend's husband is, I think, an example of someone that's not growing, adjusting or accepting his new roles in life. Obviously a relationship will fail in such circumstances. Is his failure to accept changes genetic? Geez, I don't know. While we can't always choose everything, we can choose to alter behaviors and choose to reject behavior

Speaking of Vibrators - A History in Pictures
tempus_teapot
 
I'd like to add that at this point I have taken my Spider Jerusalem action figure and tied his wrist to my Cassidy (from Preacher) action figure just so I can work out which positions are feasible with them and which aren't.

Read that and weep, internet. Weep!

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Krazy
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I haz powah!
The only device I found odd was the one for men - all that just to avoid using a hand? :huh: Unless of course he was worried he was going to go blind....
"Well, ‘course dis one’s betta! It’s lotz ‘eavier, and gots dem spikey bitz on de ends. "
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Eral
Kopi Luwak
I did not know the history of vibrators. :blink: Umm, going to the doctor for an orgasm? :unsure: Don't we call that sexual abuse now?
:eek: :x

There is a group that brings together female amputees and male fetishists of amputees. One woman discussed that it was nice to be considered sexy, but was unsure about marrying a fetishist, due to concerns about why he really liked her. Being loved for who you are is pretty important. I feel sorry for the girl who broke up with her foot fetishist boy-friend, and I feel sorry for him. For him, the ultimate punishment for confession. For her, that when confronted with something that ickified her, she expressed herself so unfortunately. Also, that she isn't able to see the foot-rubs as a win-win, after the initial shock wore off. :(

Quote:
 
I think the real barrier to communication is actually fear that you're going to be judged and found wanting if you try to express what you really feel.

This is undoubtedly true: but learning to talk to the person you are planning on going through life with, feeling safe with them, means being able to weather the crap parts of life. Like the foot fetishist, your fear of rejection might be realised: but you are going to be just as unhappy not sorting it out.

I may be too :eral: about this, because I am lucky in this regard. Because of the repression and let's-not-talk-about-it I grew up with, I am paradoxically very open and naive about stuff that ickifies people. (Oh, I shouldn't have asked you about your haemorrhoid operation in the staff-room?) Mr.FPS' family were not repressive, and though he wouldn't say boo to a goose in public, he is very comfortable talking about stuff with family. (Please don't tell your mother we were late because we were having sex.) I may not appreciate properly the difficulties people experience.
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Regullus
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Reliant
To touch on the "real barrier to communication:" Well, yeah, if you're into something really funky, its going to be tough bringing it up and some partners will prefer not to know in order to continue the status quo.

Bex, I'm reading Kate Holden's In My Skin,* and this book is a parent's worst nightmare! A seemingly well cared for child takes heroin on a whim descends into full blown addiction, in spite of numerous and kindly attempts to help her, she prefers to stay with her addiction and become a prostitute. :faint:

I don't understand this writer, I don't understand her motivations and the fault may be mine or the story may not be fully told or maybe it is. In all honesty, the woman I vaguely knew who became a prostitute struck me as having the same nebulous motivations.

On the bright side, :blink: outside of a persistent urinary tract infection and teeth problems, she doesn't (at 1/2 way thru the book) seem to be suffering from any long term problems from her choices.

Edit: Foot fetishist - In KH's book, she services a foot fetishist and he wanted to have a 'foot' job, while getting his nipples twisted and something else, which she mentioned was kinda tricky. I think we can assume the girl's foot rubber's desires would have probably evolved over time, necessitating more participation on her part. It may have been a good call. :unsure:

*To Krazy: My mother's stolen my Hitchen's book otherwise I would be reading that.

Actually, I'm on a reading jag at the moment. I have missed reading. I'm close to eight books this month as opposed to 8 books in the last year.
tempus_teapot
 
I'd like to add that at this point I have taken my Spider Jerusalem action figure and tied his wrist to my Cassidy (from Preacher) action figure just so I can work out which positions are feasible with them and which aren't.

Read that and weep, internet. Weep!

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Bex
puppet dictator
Regullus
Oct 14 2007, 08:13 AM
I think we can assume the girl's foot rubber's desires would have probably evolved over time, necessitating more participation on her part. It may have been a good call. :unsure:

That's a really unfair assumption. There are degrees of everything. Some people's interest in BDSM involves occasional dabbling in blindfolds and silk scarf restraints. It wouldn't be reasonable to say that means they're likely to eventually want to progress into a full-time master/slave relationship, and it isn't reasonable to say that someone who's into feet is going to take it further than foot rubs and maybe some toe-sucking. But that's all part of two-way sexual communication.

The guy would probably also never complain about her shoe spending habits. But I may digress.

As for Kate Holden, the thing with an addiction is that nobody can kick them until they are ready to do so. Doesn't matter how much support is available. All that matter is reaching that mental place where it is time to change. Some people die before they reach that decision. It's hard, but it's true. That's why there are support groups for friends and family of addicts as well as the addicts themselves. There's really not a damned thing you can do except continue to care and be available until it's time. Not enabling is also necessary, more out of self-preservation and to avoid building resentments - it took a while for KH's parents to reach this conclusion, but they did when they kicked her out and stopped providing money. And when she was ready - really truly ready and not just playing along - to quit, they helped.

Between lunch breaks and commuting, I have at least ten hours a week to read. I chew through a lot of books. My librarians all know me by name.

IRT Eral: I absolutely agree that it's necessary to suck up your fear of rejection and just be honest, or you're going to be unhappy. I think I said that. I just recognize that many people seem to feel it's worse to risk being alone than to stay in a relationship that's less than ideal. I don't think that's a positive thing by any means.
I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should,
but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed.
-Min Jin Lee
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Eral
Kopi Luwak
Reading. :( I remember it. Sort of.

If the girl was so spun out by footrubbing, she was never going to handle toe-sucking.

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Krazy
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I haz powah!
I feel sorry for Freaked out Girl, I think Mr Savage went way overboard with his criticism of her, not that I'm saying she handled it well, but still I think the guy was at fault for not being honest with her upfront. I don't see how it automatically follows she'll end up with a 'weirder' kink partner either.
"Well, ‘course dis one’s betta! It’s lotz ‘eavier, and gots dem spikey bitz on de ends. "
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Regullus
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Reliant
Hmm, re: HE JUST LIKES MASSAGING FEET, DAMN IT!!! :angry:

He's only 20 or 21 and he may not fully have explored his foot fetish yet and may not even have a foot fetish, maybe, he just liked massaging his girlfriend's feet. On the other hand, someone's in the car getting a 'foot job.' Why not this kid? He may only wanted to give a foot massage but maybe the massage leads to careful pedicures, followed by buying opened toed Manlo Blaniks to properly frame the pedicure and then maybe sex is just a little more ardent after the massage, the pedicure and the Blahniks? Then maybe the foot massage, the pedicure, the special shoes gets something else added to the mix, like, you gotta wear the shoes during sex and then you can't help but notice he only likes positions with a clear view of the shoes.

It has the potential to get ritualized and anytime anything gets ritualized, it can evolve because you need more stimulus in order to get the same charge.

It's like porn, you see porn once in a while, you may get a charge, you start watching porn all the time, you get desensitized and need more stimulus. Personally, I find porn kinda silly, especially, if you watch on fast forward mode. :D

Now someone role playing once in while is fine but it doesn't necessarily mean you're into BDSM, it means you role played. Having your air restricted during sex because you're really going at it and enjoy it, doesn't mean you into erotic asphyxia, it means you had some fun.

Now whether the boy was really a foot fetishist or not, I don't know, whether he will ever bring up his foot fetish to anyone again, I don't know, he may have become so traumatized that he ends up getting a foot job in a park.

tempus_teapot
 
I'd like to add that at this point I have taken my Spider Jerusalem action figure and tied his wrist to my Cassidy (from Preacher) action figure just so I can work out which positions are feasible with them and which aren't.

Read that and weep, internet. Weep!

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