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| Random Romance; Hormones an' angst | |
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| Topic Started: Nov 2 2008, 08:44 PM (9,080 Views) | |
| Inky | Nov 2 2008, 08:44 PM Post #1 |
Thai
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Per somebody's suggestion, here it is, the random romance thread! Now Joe and I can quit sloshing our bitching and squees all over the rest of the forum! I'm currently nursing a small grudge against the Okie, because it makes life a lot easier. I was starting to get a little too involved in his problems and doing things for his kids, and it was time to take a giant step backwards. This is working, but I don't like harboring bad feelings for a good friend and valued coworker, so I'm considering a physical distraction. One handily presented himself Halloween night when I was cruising the bar scene with friends. Ever so slightly nebbish, which is normally very much not my type, but he was cute and sweet and funny and intelligent and had nice friends and made excellent eye contact. He informed me that Tuesday nights he and his friends all go to a music night at a bar (which is also what I do with my Tuesday nights, but I go to a different bar) and made it pretty clear he'd like to see me there. I think I'd like to see him there. Here's the rub: I'm still not in any position for an intense relationship, but I do tend to fall into those if I find someone I like. I still need to focus on work (both paying and volunteer) and learning how to manage my time management and housekeeping skills. However, it'd be REALLY nice to have someone interesting to keep my mind off the situation with the Okie and to give me pettins. I'm so touch-starved it's not funny. I need the wisdom of the collective here, before I go and muck things up per my usual. |
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_____________ Jobbar du naken? | |
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| Eral | Nov 2 2008, 10:02 PM Post #2 |
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Kopi Luwak
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Nebbish?
 Surely not. What, he didn't jump onto the bar and dance? He confined himself to saying he'd like to see you Tuesday? This is not nebbish. (You know, I had to look up the meaning of nebbish. Our Jewish community hasn't made the same linguistic impact the How old is he? I am in favour of distractions from the Okie, if Neb is within the correct age bracket, and if you have decided that a future relationship with the Okie is no-go. If Neb is meant to be a stop-gap until you and the Okie are set to go, then I ix-nay him. |
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| Inky | Nov 2 2008, 10:12 PM Post #3 |
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Thai
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I'd guess 25-30, and by nebbish I just mean Jewish with palpable anxiety manifesting as brashness. Generally annoys me, but on him it was cute. I'm not looking for a stop-gap, nothing with the Okie will be remotely a good idea for a LONG time, so I'm treating it as a never thing. If never becomes ever, I'll deal with that then. I guess before I get too worked up about this new guy I should see if he still thinks I'm cute when we're not drunk and dressed like a cup of yogurt and a monk ("It's a COSTUME!" he bellowed when I said something about celibacy, so I was sold). |
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| Eral | Nov 2 2008, 11:05 PM Post #4 |
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Kopi Luwak
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How? The Neb might be a fizzer, we don't know. Mr.FPS was a one night stand. Then he came back, and the next thing you know I'm a respectable married woman. Horrible shock to the system when I realised. If you are harbouring any hopes for "one day" with the Okie, then any Neb is a bad idea. It's just adding another emotional complication. But if you have dropped the Okie from your life plans, then go looking for a Neb, see what you find, have fun. |
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| Inky | Nov 2 2008, 11:09 PM Post #5 |
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Thai
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What's a fizzer? A friend of mine found herself married pretty much the same way. They're one of the happier couples I know. Yeah, I have some hope for "one day" with the Okie, but not for years, and in years I don't know who either of us will be, so it's one of those quiet emotional things, not a real hope or expectation. If things are nice with the Neb or anybody else, I'm not going to just drop them if, in six months or a year or whatever, the Okie relocates and says "Hur, I think you're cute." |
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| Eral | Nov 2 2008, 11:29 PM Post #6 |
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Kopi Luwak
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A fizzer is a firework that fails to explode. Something of which we had hopes of excitement but were disappointed. Go to the bar Tuesday. |
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| ~R~ | Nov 3 2008, 12:10 AM Post #7 |
Sweetness cubed
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I also say go to the bar. Be wary, however, of making The Neb a pseudo-rebound from The Okie. As to The Okie, stepping back from that sounds healthy, especially if you're falling into the trap of doing relationshippy things (like getting to involved with his kids) as a substitute for a relationship. As for harboring a somewhat imagined grudge, that's not a bad way to get over someone who isn't around anymore, you still have to deal with him. Perhaps just being honest with him is better than trying to trick yourself into feeling something that you don't. Of course, things are tough all over. Had a brief exchange with The Projectionist last night. I had seen her on Friday (but didn't get a chance to talk to her) and she had her hair down (normally it's braided and wrapped around her head like a crown). I commented on how lovely she looked (I think the words I used were "really nice" actually) with her hair down. She seemed very happy with the compliment, but she was also surprised, almost shocked by it. As if it had never happened before. By the way, with her hair down... Oh... My... God. |
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"If you don't stick to your values when they're tested, they're not values. They're hobbies." - Jon Stewart My Food Blog | |
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| Nibsi | Nov 3 2008, 12:23 AM Post #8 |
Te zijner tijd
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Hah, keep us updated ~R~ |
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| Inky | Nov 3 2008, 12:53 AM Post #9 |
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Thai
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Girls love compliments! If she seemed surprised, she probably needs more. Go easy, too many is creepy, but keep feeding her the good vibes. (Nothing to talk about with the Okie, we both know we want it and both know it can't/won't happen, better to move along.) |
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| lara | Nov 3 2008, 02:23 AM Post #10 |
Kopi Luwak
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You were a cup of yogourt for Halloween? |
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| ~R~ | Nov 3 2008, 02:31 AM Post #11 |
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Sweetness cubed
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Yeah, I was gonna ask about that, too. |
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"If you don't stick to your values when they're tested, they're not values. They're hobbies." - Jon Stewart My Food Blog | |
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| Inky | Nov 3 2008, 03:07 AM Post #12 |
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Thai
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Yogurt with fruit on the bottom! White shirt, white pants, pie tin on my head, nutrition label on my back, luscious-looking fake grapes pinned to my pant legs. |
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| ~R~ | Nov 3 2008, 03:11 AM Post #13 |
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Sweetness cubed
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Hee, hee. Are there pictures? |
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"If you don't stick to your values when they're tested, they're not values. They're hobbies." - Jon Stewart My Food Blog | |
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| LizDiggory | Nov 3 2008, 03:59 AM Post #14 |
Breakfast
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Pics or it didn't happen! :ph43r: |
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| Sevarus | Nov 5 2008, 01:52 AM Post #15 |
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Did you take my pie?!
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As an add-on to the post I made describing my "situation" in the girly stuff thread... I work with both of them. Yeah, I pretty much broke every rule in the book. Common sense has never been one of my strong points. I thought that dating an "older woman" (I'm 18, she's 25) would be better for me, because my last two relationships were with girls my age, and they were both very immature. Unfortunately, age is apparently no guarantee of maturity. Rather, I got a very confused and indecisive woman who just wants to "play house" with someone that only makes her happy "sometimes," (her own words) and seemed content to play with my emotions. I'm out of the "omg I want to crawl into a hole and die" phase, thankfully... now I'm just very bitter. I always give too much to other people, maybe I need to be more guarded. |
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| Bex | Nov 5 2008, 02:16 AM Post #16 |
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puppet dictator
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Guardedness is a trade-off... being able to protect yourself vs. not needing to. I think the real trick is finding someone with whom it's actually safe to be unguarded. Umm... don't let your guard down *too* soon, I guess! Maybe that's the key to every successful relationship - finding a balance you can live with. Counterpoint on "successful relationship" - Buddhist view - If you can take away something positive, even just learning something from the experience, it's not a failure, regardless of the outcome. |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| Sevarus | Nov 5 2008, 03:01 AM Post #17 |
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Did you take my pie?!
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I just need to learn not to throw myself into relationships. It's always so great and intense for the first few months, but then that fizzles out and I'm left with disappointment. I always depend on other people to dictate my moods and create happiness for me; that really needs to stop. I don't know if my standards are too high or not high enough. I feel like I need something more casual (not NOW, obviously, but in the future)... but I don't know if I would be able to handle that and not get too attached. |
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| Inky | Nov 5 2008, 03:02 AM Post #18 |
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Thai
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I am continually thankful to the worst boyfriend I ever had, because he taught me a lot about what to watch out for. I've shut things down cold and fast with a variety of people because there was something that gave an uneasy vibe that reminded me of the scuzzbucket. Learn, but as Bex said, be careful not to wall yourself off entirely. The older I get, the more I think a heart is like an egg, the good stuff inside is useless if the egg stays sealed forever. And no, age is no guarantee of ANYTHING! |
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| Eral | Nov 5 2008, 03:22 AM Post #19 |
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Kopi Luwak
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Relationships work when you both want the same thing from each other, and are happy giving it. Happiness is a response to stimulus. Another person cannot make you happy, only their behaviour can. Public acknowledgement of a relationship is like a certificate of authenticity. "This is my brother." "This is my daughter." "This is my lover." It announces identity. In a secret relationship, it's as if we don't know who the other person is to us, or don't want to say to them. "You are my bit on the side, my retreat from RL, a pleasant convenience"? "You will always be secondary to me"? The moral of this is: don't be in a relationship with someone who is already in relationship unless the relationship with you is acknowledged, and the time you spend with the shared partner does not involve cheating and lying. It's very simple, really. You'll be amazed how obvious it is, in another thirty or so years.  :lol: |
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| Inky | Nov 5 2008, 03:25 AM Post #20 |
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Thai
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That's why I've started checking in with Eral and Bex as far as this stuff goes. They know their shit. |
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| lara | Nov 5 2008, 04:02 AM Post #21 |
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Kopi Luwak
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I think the wisest thing you said was about not depending on others for your happiness. I think if you find your own happiness, you'll be amazed by the wonderful people who want to spend time with you. And don't guard yourself too much. Enthusiastic love is a wonderful, rewarding thing. The pain is intense, but that's the price you pay for the intense love. Do you want to give up one to avoid the other? |
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| Bex | Nov 5 2008, 04:55 AM Post #22 |
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puppet dictator
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Aw, you're not just putting this bit in as a sop for me, are you? I'll stand by it though. Mono or poly, and whether or not you have a defined title for a relationship (sometimes "boyfriend/girlfriend" just doesn't hack it), it's important to have some tangible assurance that the value placed on the relationship is equable. A more casual arrangement is ok if everyone is ok with it. Open communication is always a must. |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| Regullus | Nov 5 2008, 04:45 PM Post #23 |
The Ozzie
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I agree titles count and if someone doesn't acknowledge you publicly (Inky, Sevarus and I believe Joe too) that is a BIG clue. A title, whether the formal or informal is a mark of respect. Although my relationship advice is apparently meaningless :hanky:, I will reiterate the basic question for anyone here: It doesn't matter why X behaves in a certain way, it matters why YOU are responding to people who are treating you disrespectfully. Sevarus may be acting out of naivete but you, Inky, have indicated here a pattern of seeking complicated and inappropriate relationships. The question is why? I'm sure everybody knows this old expression: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. |
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| Sevarus | Nov 5 2008, 05:18 PM Post #24 |
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Did you take my pie?!
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And see, I totally felt like I knew that before I got involved in this mess... I just conveniently forgot it. And I believed her when she said that she was going to dump the other chick and be with me. But she turned out to be a spineless wimp and a complete liar. Hindsight is 20/20! |
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| Inky | Nov 5 2008, 09:19 PM Post #25 |
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Thai
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Oh, easy enough, my parents were remote (especially my father, who I saw once or twice a year) and I resist the hell out of intimacy. Nothing unusual or complicated. Celebrated the election by bringing home a black campaign worker who had been shipped here from California, decided that one night stands are REALLY not what I'm looking for right now, started worrying a bit that I'm getting too set in my ways and resistant to having another person in my space. I went to the bar to see if I could find the Neb, but he must have had other plans. I drank a beer by myself and just relaxed (I'm good at going out alone) until some folks from another table decided I must be lonely and assimilated me. Had a marvelous time playing "Never have I ever" and bar-hopped and hope to see them again. Not sure what to do about the Neb. I'm apparently not down with sex for its own sake, so I guess I'm looking for a relationship or nothing. I'm not thrilled about the idea of blowing off another bluegrass night for the chance of running into him, so do I let it go? Be That Girl and put something in Missed Connections on Craigslist? |
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