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| Reg's 'Retched Random Ramblings; It's alliteration! Read at your peril. | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 7 2012, 04:35 AM (1,124 Views) | |
| Regullus | Aug 7 2012, 04:35 AM Post #1 |
The Ozzie
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Instead of  my angst all over the forum I decided to make my own little topic of woe. No longer does one need fear opening random chat or any other topic and being confronted by 10 entries on Reg's Winter of Depression. Well. So. Yeah, Mum came back Friday with no notice for a dentist appointment that was supposed to happen Wednesday but in actual fact was today and she missed it. She can't have another appointment until September 14. She has decided to stay until the appointment. Up near her IL she had a pre-operative cataract appointment on September 6 but she has allegedly cancelled that appointment in order not to interrupt her six week stay at the farm. I say allegedly as Mum has a tendency to lie. An example: Mum called me several times on Sunday and when I didn't respond immediately she decided to drive over to my house to tell me the reason she had been calling was two ponies had escaped and been hit and killed by a vehicle. She didn't know which two and the police were handling the situation. I can't say I bought the tale but she did manage to tell it fairly convincingly. I may have been hysterical when I first said it but I think I really need to leave hearth and home in order to escape her. I'd miss Lil and Frank but you know, I think it's the only way. I can't even look at her anymore. I have to focus my eye on something else when talking to her or more accurately, listening to her. |
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| lara | Aug 7 2012, 05:57 AM Post #2 |
Kopi Luwak
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Oh fuck, Reg. Lil? Is there no other way to escape her? Can you get Frank and Lil to escape with you? Frank might be delighted! |
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| Regullus | Aug 7 2012, 02:20 PM Post #3 |
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The Ozzie
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Frank has a good job so he doesn't want to nor can he go then there's the house and poor market and Frank would get shirty if I ran off with Lil. No, "I move faster on my own." I won't do it but I really don't see any other way. Edited by Regullus, Aug 8 2012, 04:55 AM.
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| ~R~ | Aug 7 2012, 02:57 PM Post #4 |
Sweetness cubed
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I don't think running away from home will help. Have you considered legal action? Restraining order like? You can't let her destroy your life. |
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"If you don't stick to your values when they're tested, they're not values. They're hobbies." - Jon Stewart My Food Blog | |
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| lara | Aug 7 2012, 10:05 PM Post #5 |
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Kopi Luwak
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I have to agree with R. |
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| Regullus | Aug 8 2012, 05:12 AM Post #6 |
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The Ozzie
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Yeah I guess it would be pretty ridiculous to abandon Lil and Frank in order to avoid my mother. After all how old am I? Middle-aged people don't just run away from home, we confront our problems like the adults we are. Manly pink all that. As luck may have it  Mum may leave as I'm not around due to Lil's summer activities. I don't want to place too much hope on that but maybe.I dont think such legal action would be practical. I dont want to jail her, I just want her to go off and have a good time in her waning years... Away from me. |
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| lara | Aug 8 2012, 06:52 AM Post #7 |
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Kopi Luwak
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I know you don't want your mom in jail, Reg. You still love her. Somehow, though, you've got to set limits. It doesn't sound like she'll ever understand them, unfortunately, but somehow you've got to figure out how to impose them externally, then. |
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| Regullus | Aug 15 2012, 02:39 PM Post #8 |
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The Ozzie
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Color me malicious but I did find this funny.  OK, I mentioned Mum and her "friend" in some thread. I've been avoiding Mum since she came back. So Mum had turned once again to her "friend" who's a bit of a loon, actually on meds for looniness loon, and it didn't work out. I'm out and I get a call on my cell from an unknown number. Hmm. Yep, it's the police looking for Mum. He couldn't tell me the reason he was calling but did say it involved the "friend." Turns out the "friend" called the police after Mum fired her and said Mum had physically assaulted her; hit her on the head, and caused a microscopic wound on her finger. Mum denies this. Whether that's true or not I don't know. I do know Mum has "assaulted" the woman before, ie, grabbing her wrist and pushing her to leave. I also know that she isn't above resorting to hitting people or at least, me. She definitely tries to hit me. She hit me on this visit while I was helping her down some steps. I wasn't being entirely pleasant at the time. What was it a year ago? I had to physically restrain her because she was attacking me while I was driving and Lil was in the car. Although I do think (hope) it was related to narcotics withdrawal.  I also know the "friend" is a liar. We chatted about the assault, I said I didn't know what happened but I did know she had assaulted the woman before. Mum said I lie. Mum's pov is I tell so many lies that I can't distinguish the Truth. According to Mum, the cop said she seemed like a strong and rational woman during their interview.  Anyhoo, couldn't have happened to two nicer people. I feel sorry for the police though. Mum is allegedly leaving shortly. That would be nice. I really think she is going to get into trouble if she continues her visits. That can happen too up at the IL but it may not there. edit: not leaving until Monday. Five days. Edited by Regullus, Aug 15 2012, 04:15 PM.
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| Regullus | Aug 31 2012, 03:06 PM Post #9 |
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The Ozzie
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Mum has been on the verge of leaving for two weeks BUT she is unable to leave due to working herself into "exhaustion for ME." I will agree she is making herself ill. |
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| Regullus | Aug 31 2012, 05:34 PM Post #10 |
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The Ozzie
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May take to drink. |
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| Bex | Aug 31 2012, 07:44 PM Post #11 |
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puppet dictator
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You, or your mum? |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| Regullus | Aug 31 2012, 08:13 PM Post #12 |
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The Ozzie
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Me. |
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| Bex | Aug 31 2012, 09:12 PM Post #13 |
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puppet dictator
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I hate to advocate it, but sometimes it works for me. I'd even suggest keeping Mum a bit pickled to make her more malleable, but she's probably a mean drunk. |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| Regullus | Aug 31 2012, 11:15 PM Post #14 |
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The Ozzie
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Mum has this behavior that she has had for a long time - decades and decades long - but it has become more pronounced. I've never known quite the why of the behavior but I've known it about her for a long time. In short what happens is after an event, in the first 10 hrs, Mum is perfectly accurate in retelling the event but by the next day the narrative has significantly altered. Naturally, the alterations are in her favor. OK. So I get that. I think we all get that. In the last 20 yrs this habit... tick... neuroses has evolved to the point that she extrapolates an event into something much grander and with very little basis to the original event. Frequently she inserts herself into others' narratives, this may be either a private individual or even a public figure. Again, in these narratives Mum holds a place of importance. Some examples: During the ice which is going on almost 4 yrs ago not only was her presence a necessity, in her narration, but she was doing things that were impossible for a person of her age and health to accomplish. We needed water for the ponies and even in winter 20+ ponies need a pretty large amount of water which I would get from my friend's house. I'd drive to neighboring town, pick up Mum, and get the water. I would fill and carry the containers to car then we go to the farm and I would water the ponies and on returning Mum to her hotel I would then refill the containers and water the ponies again. In Mum's narrative, she got the water, she watered the ponies and it varied where she got it. Where was I? Snug in my house without electricity doing nothing. Fine, whatever.  Example 2: As you all know there's some (minor) controversy ( the exact details elude me) about where Obama was born. According to Mum, she has no doubt that Obama was born in Hawaii as she remembers the scandal of his birth. Well, Mum was living in NYC, pregnant with my oldest brother, she has no connections with Hawaii and frankly, a young coed getting knocked up by a Kenyan in Hawaii really wouldn't have been on Mum's radar and nor, would I suppose, would she have cared one whit if she did know about. Example 3: As you may or may not know Mormans are required to proselytize for a time and Romney was in France in 1966 to fulfill this requirement. While in the South of France, Romney had a car accident, his passenger died, no fault was given to Romney for the accident and Romney himself was severely injured. According to Mum, she was called in by the police to assist in translating for Romney after the accident. I can't swear to what my mother was doing in '66 and maybe she happened to be in the South of France and maybe she happened to be in the immediate vicinity of the accident and just happened to be called to translate or more likely, she was in NYC, pregnant with me, and involved in the West side of NYC's urban renewal which brings me to example 4. In the late 80s, early 90s, Obama lived on the West Side. According to Mum she knew him. My mother left the West Side by 1970. While she returned to NYC from time to time, it was for business and to see friends. I don't think she went to NYC during Obama's tenure. I could go on and on but long post is long and I think those suffice. I'll just add while the examples given are from the last four years this behavior did NOT start in the last 4 years or even get worse in the last four years. Possibly, the behavior is more frequent. I might respond to her by giving cues such as, "Weren't you in NYC in 1966 and pregnant with me?" and she'll respond with, "I don't quite remember the circumstance," and she'll look puzzled. If I really push her about a narrative, she'll get mad and call me a liar. |
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| Regullus | Aug 31 2012, 11:26 PM Post #15 |
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The Ozzie
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Gah!!! I wish I understood all these behaviors. |
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| Sparky The BardBarian | Sep 1 2012, 03:04 AM Post #16 |
Irish Coffee, Hold the Coffee.
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Reg, my grandmother was like that. I was sixteen when I was trying to deal with this and wish I'd had the maturity, knowledge, and patience I do now. One particular incident: She was in a playful mood (Exceedingly rare). We were both seated and kicking the dog's ball back and forth. Her foot clipped mine. She tried to hold my foot down with hers to kick the ball. I said, "That's a foul. Free kick." I tapped her foot with mine. She tapped my foot back. We were both barefoot. The game continued until the phone rang. The next day I caught her telling my uncle that I had been wearing boots, and for no reason stomped on her foot and ground my heel into her bare foot. In those days we called it hardening of the arteries. Today we call it dementia or Alzheimer's. I wish I could tell you it will get better, but it probably won't. Basically she just can't tell the difference between reality and something she reads, hears, sees on television, dreams, or remembers from childhood. It's not her fault, but it's damned frustrating all the same. My Mother in Law also had this trouble. She forgot her husband, her home, her daughters, me, and thought she was living with strangers in a strange house. She kept wanting to 'go home' to Green Street, where she lived as a child. "Who's that?" "That's you and your husband. That's your wedding picture." "No it isn't." Nothing you can do but be as strong and patient as you can be and wait it out as you try to remember how she was, rather than how she is. Sigh.... |
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This is my haiku. It is only three lines long. Thanks for reading it. | |
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| Regullus | Sep 1 2012, 05:30 AM Post #17 |
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The Ozzie
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That's very sad. I know I probably seem obtuse and I do recognize the debilities due to her age. What I find so immeasurably frustrating is watching her destruct and having no power to help her or intervene. Her conditions improve if she eats well, takes her meds regularly, gets some regular sleep or as much sleep as she can get, pleasant social interaction and a well ordered environ. Really, on the whole, we all do better in such situations. She's killing herself by being at the farm. How she was when she arrived a month ago after a bare two week stay at her AL and how she is today is a marked decline. I have tried to get her to go back to the AL, short of calling the authorities on her and even then I don't think much would happen. I have no authority over her. Not that I want authority over her mind you. I just want her to go to her AL and take care of herself (with assistance). I'm one person and I'm the enemy to her. I try to stay on message. For three days I've been trying to get her packed for her return and have gotten nowhere. I have not enabled (or helped her) stay here, I urge her to return repeatedly. I no longer allow her to see Lily and that limits the time I can see her. She thinks I've turned Lil against her. I do tell her that Lil's alienation is due to her behavior over Lil's entire life but she doesn't believe me.  |
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| Regullus | Sep 1 2012, 03:24 PM Post #18 |
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The Ozzie
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I think Mum's reaching crisis point which may be a good thing. |
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| Sparky The BardBarian | Sep 1 2012, 04:05 PM Post #19 |
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Irish Coffee, Hold the Coffee.
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All classic symptoms. Been there, done that, hated it. Felt relieved when it was over, felt guilty for feeling relieved. Hang in there. |
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This is my haiku. It is only three lines long. Thanks for reading it. | |
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| Regullus | Sep 2 2012, 02:12 AM Post #20 |
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The Ozzie
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Good news, I hope, Mum returned to her AL this afternoon. I have no confirmation that she has arrived, however, I follow as my personal philosophy the adage no news is good news. It helps. I think I would've heard had there been problems. All good. (I hope.) 
I've kinda reached that point and, yes, I do feel guilt and regret. I don't want to feel this way but I kinda do. I know she doesn't have control. I also know when she did have some control she chose to embrace these behaviors. The why of it I'll never understand. Not that we get old and vulnerable but why we choose what we do. I appreciate you taking the time to give me the benefit of your experience and the good advice.  |
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| Regullus | Sep 12 2012, 03:17 PM Post #21 |
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The Ozzie
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Mum left on September 1. It was a close thing as to whether or not she would leave. She was clearly in poor physical and mental state early that day but in better shape when she left. She came over to my house in the morning and I hoped Frank could support my message that she needed to go back to her AL, it's hard being the lone voice always. it's nice when everybody says the same thing, however, Frank ended up kicking Mum out of the house. He was quite pissy with me for the next 36 hrs and I almost thought I was going to have to talk to him but we had sex instead. Mum wanted to go to the hospital after she exited the house but she refused to let me drive her and I refused to get in the car with her driving. I spent the next 90 minutes driving around looking for her. It finally dawned on me that she might be at the home of the s-i-l of the "friend," and indeed she was but by the time I figured it out she was driving up her driveway. She told me the s-i-l had urged her to return to her AL and forget about her nasty children and focus on herself. I felt warm and fuzzy about the woman when Mum proceeded to tell me the woman said Frank had a terrible reputation in town which is firstly, the pot calling the kettle black, and secondly, if he does have ill will it probably stems from Mum and her "friend." No flowers for the s-i-l.  I then proceeded to spend the next four and half hours "packing" her car. This was the 3rd day I spent packing the car and yes, it was agonizing. Pure agony. She got off in the late afternoon and she made it with no difficulty. Two days later she called me in the late afternoon in a cold fury to tell me her car keys and apt. keys had been stolen and she had informed everyone of this fact. I thought it was more plausible the keys were in a bag. When we packed the car I used reusable shopping bags because she's packed so much stuff at this point we're running out of luggage, boxes, whatever. I don't totally disbelieve the theft angle because institutions like that do have theft both from the inmates and the staff. Of course this is a clusterfuck because Mum's lost all her other keys to the car. The new car keys need to be made at a dealership and the car needs to be there so the key can be programmed to the car. I talk to our local dealer the next day and I tell him I do have the valet key and he tells me that the only thing the valet key won't do is open the lock on the glove box and the trunk. Great but not true as it turns out. The valet key will start the car BUT only if you have programmed your car to "Valet Mode" and you can only do that if you have main key. I drive up the next day and discover the flaw of the valet key. Mum's hasn't been out of the place for 3 days so she's just out the door when I get there and I'm back to driving around aimlessly with her while she settles down. I finally get away from her and lo and behold I find the both sets of keys in a bottom of a full bag of junk. I'm not terribly surprised. I tell Mum and she insists the thief returned the keys and she was beginning to understand the mind of the thief and she tells everybody about the thief returning the keys. She insists I have lunch with her which is another Mum tale: she went and got a table while I was finding the keys but apparently the table had been reserved by another woman who starts complaining about it. The serving person says she didn't know what happened because she was sure she had put a reserved sign of the table. I heard all this as I was walking in. Mum hadn't started to eat yet so I surprised nobody asked Mum to move but they didn't. We start lunch and all thru lunch the woman who had the table was making comments or glaring daggers, mainly at me it seemed, which struck me as odd but maybe I imagined all that. After lunch I asked Mum about the situation and Mum indeed had removed the reserved sign and placed it on another ("Much nicer table by the window.") table. Old people, huh?!!! Seemed like a very ordinary table to me. I had to go for another drive and then I left, to quote Mass Effect 2, at muzzle velocity. Phew. In writing all that out just brings home how time consuming it's been and how exhausting it is dealing with this situation. She's been up there, they got her on oxygen and I think if she can take of herself she should be ok. The State is (finally) getting around to pulling her license which is fine with me as long she is up there becuase Mum cannot be relied upon to self monitor or judge her ability. I don't know the details because Mum was in her secretive mode and then she lost the letter. She likes to be mysterious sometimes. I also had a pretty good talk with my brother finally and told him flat out Mum has distinct signs of dementia but if she took care of herself the decline could be slowed and the symptoms ameliorated. It would be great if we all could stay "on message" and encourage her to remain away from the farm as it had very much a negative impact on her health both mental and physical. I told him Frank kicked Mum out of the house and he laughed, and said she's had it coming for a long time. Mum's famous for kicking people off "HER (!!!!) " property. Hopefully  Mum will remain up there for a while. I was really tired last week but I'm feeling better, more at peace. All good, I guess. |
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| Bex | Sep 12 2012, 03:57 PM Post #22 |
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puppet dictator
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I hope you get to enjoy your peace for a while. |
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I belong to one of those families that does not speak to or see its members as often as we should, but if someone needed anyone to fall on a sword for her, there would be a queue waiting to commit the deed. -Min Jin Lee | |
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| lara | Sep 13 2012, 03:58 AM Post #23 |
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Kopi Luwak
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Hey, if she can't drive, how will she get back? (This sounds like a plus to me.) I know you still love her, but she's healthier where she is now. And you can limit your periods of exhaustion with visits. |
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| Regullus | Sep 13 2012, 02:45 PM Post #24 |
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The Ozzie
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IRT Bex - I hope it lasts too. IRT lara - Yeah, I thought of that. My s-i-l and I have a cordial but distant relationship. Part of reason for the distance is geographical and the other reason is I really don't think she was interested in having anything more which is fine with me, I don't have to be best friends with my s-i-l. Cordial is great imo. I do worry about her a bit, forinstance, I'm pretty sure she'd be hard-headed in a divorce and probably screw my brother and he would let her (I base this conclusion on her past divorce and certain advice I've heard her give regarding divorce. I base my conclusion on my brother by his past performance and his personality) however, I'm not too concerned about that as they seem terribly happy and even if it comes to pass, she has two daughters with my brother who will benefit and it's my brother choice to get screwed. He's a big boy. My s-i-l is also a bit expensive and she and my brother had accrued some considerable debt which Mum helped with and Mum gave them a six figure down payment on their house which isn't a starter house. Just to say how average I am, my mother didn't help with our downpayment, and she hasn't paid off my debts. Didn't want her to and didn't and don't expect her too. I get enough failure talk without giving her a reason to tell me so. In my opinion, I think my brother and his wife should be pretty happy with the help they received and not ask for anything more because Mum made a significant personal financial sacrifice to help them. My s-i-l has kept in touch with my mother to a degree and I think pretty much for financial hopes rather than any true liking as Mum's negative behaviors has extended on occasion to them. Call me cynical. Several weeks ago, my s-i-l asked Mum for money and Mum should've just said no but instead she explained why she said no and mixed fact, misattributed facts and added dreams. Needless to add, the conversation went poorly (neither are without a temper). Both were is a state of shock. Sorry, but I get my laughs where I can.After the phone conversation, my s-i-l has been trying to call but we both have stuff to do and sometimes I duck the calls and she probably does too. Yesterday I finally talked with my s-i-l and I was amused. According to my s-i-l, Mum told her two and half years ago that she was going to divert income my way to give me the same amount of money she had given them and why my s-i-l was calling me is she would like to have the money because they need or want it. I said, "Really? That would have been great... " I paused briefly as I thought about just how great that could have been and then continued, "but no, it didn't happen. Oh well." "Really???" Replies my s-i-l. Pretty much an "Ah ha, I've caught Mum out." This is where I have a fundamental disconnect with my s-i-l which is she doesn't understand that Mum's money is Mum's and Mum can do whatever she likes with the money because it's like, hers, and she earned it and she invested it, she's paid taxes on it and it belongs to Mum. Mum doesn't owe anybody anything and she certainly doesn't owe her middle aged children financial support, she can dispose or keep her money as she wishes. Also, at some point, if you find that you cannot afford your life, you gotta make hard decisions. Of course that sucks BUT... We continued the chat and I was perfectly matter of fact that was Mum was having issues but with care she could be ok. I stressed Mum was an "emancipated adult," and when and if her condition changed durable poas had been in place for some years. "Nothing to worry about!" and nothing she can do to divert money her way. Mum has left her assets in trust for the grandchildren and it won't come out of trust until the youngest is 30. Yes, I am disinherited and have been for some years and guess what? It doesn't bother me one bit. Why? Lil benefits and two, it's Mum's money and that's what she wanted to do. I told my s-i-l that it had been a very difficult and stressful situation the last years and she made sympathetic murmurs. She wanted to get me riled about the past and I said, "You know, I'm way too old to be concerned about my early childhood." I just don't have the energy to dredge up the indignation. Actually Mum in early childhood was in many ways a very good mother. Sometimes she was a little high strung and even then she had anger issues but it really wasn't directed my way much. Hell, being a parent is stressful. I sympathize. I didn't become truly exposed until I was 12. She had an abusive mother, both physical and mental abuse. She was better than her mother and damn good in some ways.I will say this about Mum, she had the talent, the creativity, and the intelligence to do anything and it's loss that she lived the life she has. |
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| Regullus | Sep 24 2012, 01:59 PM Post #25 |
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The Ozzie
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Almost managed to get this off the first page. Mum indeed got her license pulled. She doesn't remember getting a prior notification. She finds the AL too much like a boarding school and wants to leave (after persuasion. "Do you always lecture people, Diana?") after her cataract surgery in October. "What will you do if you leave?" I asked. "Travel." "As long as that's what you do." Also, one of the nurses told Mum she was too self assured. I asked in what way did the nurse say that, and Mum said, "Critically." Her friend is beginning to annoy her, apparently, she has short term memory loss and as a result speaks "boastfully" about her past and Mum told her, "A little less boasting and more listening and you might actually learn something." "Oh, what you always say." I said. I wonder if the friend remembers her saying that. Edit: I sound more snarky about all this than I am. We'll see. Edited by Regullus, Sep 24 2012, 02:00 PM.
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