| Return of the Masks | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 10 2016, 07:05 PM (41 Views) | |
| The Latino Powers | May 10 2016, 07:05 PM Post #1 |
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[As we fade in, we find ourselves inside the walls of HK Academy. We know this, most notably, by the giant HK Academy logo that takes up the entire back wall of the large facility. There is a ring set up in the immediate space before us. On the opposite side, there is a large area full of workout equipment, and everything has a very modern, clean feeling. There’s no doubt this is a state of the art facility - and that the competitors here all mean serious business. Today, they are gathered around the outside of the ring, stretching for what is no doubt going to be a rigorous and intense training session. Inside, esteemed Head Trainer Josh Osbourne, the artist formerly known as ICE, is ready to deliver a rousing morning speech to the twenty or so trainees. Behind him, stands Alyssa Marie, clad in a pair of yoga pants and a sports bra. A diverse group of men and women of different shapes, sizes, and backgrounds, the best and the brightest of HK Academy are here today - only those deemed worthy of this exclusive training session. Osbourne claps his hands to get everyone’s attention as he begins to speak.] Osbourne: Alright, everybody. Let’s get started. Listen - uh - Alex and Chris, they really wish they - uh - could be here… [Alyssa Marie steps in front of Osbourne without warning, as he gives her a quizzical and annoyed look.] Alyssa Marie: God, you are the worst. Maybe you need to take a promo class. Listen up, losers. Haven and Kage really wanted to be here today to introduce today’s special guest instructors, but unfortunately, they had an emergency to attend to. Litter of kittens, stuck in a tree. The firefighters refused to help, so Chris and Alex are out there wrangling those cats on their own, like the leaders they are. Helping the community, as always. Some Trainee: How did the kittens get in the tree? Alyssa Marie: You ask too many questions, Jones. Alex and Chris don’t ask questions. They launch into action, and deal with the situation at hand. You could learn a lot from them, if you weren’t so fucking stupid. Jones: Sorry, Alyssa. Alyssa Marie: As I was saying, Alex and Chris are off being heroes as usual so I’m here to introduce you to today’s special guests. The guys called in a lot of favors to get these men here to talk to you today. Favors I don’t even feel comfortable mentioning out loud. These guys, though, they are the best of the best. Some describe them as the best tag team ever to come out of Mexico. Others say they are simply the best in the world. Others choose to slander them with accusations of false identities. It’s said that they wear masks only because to gaze upon their faces causes most women to faint immediately and most men to die of jealousy. Jones: Did you say die? Alyssa Marie: You’re fucking right I did. One thing is for sure though, these guys are master tacticians and unbelievable wrestlers - so get the wax out of your ears, and listen, because the lessons you will learn today cannot be taught by mere men. No, it takes legends to impart such wisdom, and today you will be in the company of just that. They are cunning. They are beautiful. They are sexy. But most of all, they are multi tag team champions and the winner of the third Millennium Tag Team Tournament, beating fifteen other teams for the honor. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you - Jorge Ramirez and Jose Martinez - the one, the only, the LATINO POWERS! [On cue, a five piece mariachi band bursts through the front doors of the academy, playing a festive tune - wait, is that Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ La Vida Loca?!”. Eight young children dressed in traditional mexican dancing clothes form a path for the men of the hour - the often imitated, never duplicated, and all-around darlings of the tag team wrestling world - The Latino Powers. Dressed in their traditional mexican luchador masks and elaborate robes, displaying the proud colors of their home country’s flag, Jorge Ramirez and Jose Martinez finally make their grand entrance to the amazement (and apparent bewilderment) of the trainees gathered. As they stop to pose before the long path of mexican children, one of the Powers suddenly stops, yelling loudly over the band...in English, with no hint of an accent.] Jose Martinez: CUT! Jesus christ, you are a bunch of dumb little fuckers… [The other Power, Jorge, reaches over and slaps Jose across the back of the head.] Jorge Ramirez: Please excuse mi amigo here. What he means to say is...how you say in English….you tiny amigos es muy stupido. Si, Jose? SI? Jose: Si, Jorge. How you say...dumb fuck kids forget to light el pyrotechnico! Jorge: We no work in the condiciones! No! We leave now! Latino Powers go adios! Vamanos, Jose! Alyssa Marie: WAIT! WAIT! From the top, everybody, and for god’s sake, you little mexican fuc-I mean, sweethearts - can you please remember what we rehearsed? Jones: You rehearsed this? Alyssa Marie: Shut up, Jones - these men are legends! They don’t leave anything to chance! RESET EVERYBODY! [On cue, the child dancers and mariachi band all funnel out of the door. Jorge and Jose grumble in very obviously Mexican accents as they follow the rest out. Soon, the room is returned to it’s previous state, before the almost glorious arrival of the Latino Powers.] Alyssa Marie: Alright, let’s try this again. I give you the one, the only - living legends themselves - the LATINO POWERS! [The mariachi band spritely makes their way through the door once more, playing an even more upbeat mariachi cover of “Livin’ La Vida Loca” as they are closely followed by the dancing children. The children form a line this time, as they attempt to dance while simultaneously fumbling with...lighters? And sparklers, it appears? Suddenly, the doors fly open again - and Jose and Jorge reappear, making their grand entrance! Most of the children have managed to light their sparklers, except for one child, who is frantically running around with a flaming jacket until Osbourne comes over and puts him out with a fire extinguisher, leaving the child completely covered in white. Jorge and Jose navigate the impressive wall of pyrotechnics, doing a lap around the ring slapping hands with the seemingly bewildered trainees. They slide into the ring, each posing on a turnbuckle as they gaze out past the trainees at...who knows what.] Alyssa Marie: A round of applause for the Latino Powers, idiots?! [The trainees instantly begin to clap and holler, as Jose and Jorge remove their robes in the ring, revealing physiques oddly familiar to Chris Kage and Alexander Haven (but definitely not identical). They speak in a manner slightly reminiscent but also definitely not the same as Haven and Kage as well. Haven and Kage don’t have a Mexican accent, after all.] Jorge: Gracias! Gracias! Mi amigos, Jose and I know presence of greatness such as ours causes some to feel...how you say….tingly? Jose: Si - senors, senoras - do not fear. Today, you are in beuno hands. Alyssa Marie: For those of you who don’t speak Spanish, that means you’re in great hands. Now, before we get started, let’s have our guests say a few words about their experiences in the wrestling business. We know that we are dealing with a bit of a language barrier here, so listen carefully… Jorge: Me Jorge. He Jose. We are Latino Powers, greatest Slap Hands Partners Champions in all history. Go ahead. Ask Jose. He tell you. Jose: Si. Latino Powers best Slap Hands Partners champions. Hold many belts, many places. Fuck mucho muy caliente senoritas. Mucho excellente. Make mucho dinero. How you Americans say...we rule, you spit? Alyssa Marie: I think you mean drool. Jose: I do not. Alyssa Marie: Well, alright then. Does anyone have any questions for our guests? Jones: What do you say to people who suggest you are simply Alex and Chris in masks acting stupid? Jose: Tell me, dumbfuck. You see Alejandro and El Kage-O here today? Jones: Uh, no...I guess not? Jose: You see Latino Powers here? Jones: Uh, yeah...you’re standing right there. Jorge: See! The proof is in the ice cream! Alejandro and Chris are muy bueno hombres - but they no hold a candle to Latino Powers! Jose: Si, candle burn. Muchos ouchies. Jones: That actually doesn’t prove anything.. Jorge: SILENCIO! Tell me, professor smart guy, Haven and Kage win Millennium Slap Hands Partners Tournament 3? Jones: You mean the third Millennium Tag Team Tournament? Jose: That’s what he say! Jones: Didn’t Haven and Kage actually wrestle the finals of that tournament….? Jorge: Liar liar pantalones muy caliente! Jones: I can pull it up on my phone...I’m pretty sure it’s on the EWA Netwo- [Without warning, Jose hits the ropes behind the pair at full speed. Jorge crouches down on all fours, and Jose leaps off of his back, springboards off the top rope with a front flip directly onto the unsuspecting trainee Jones below. These guys may be morons, but that was actually pretty good in terms of wrestling ability. Jones is on the ground in a heap, moaning, as Jose reaches into his tights and pulls out...a Slim Jim? He carefully peels back the wrapper, before forcibly shoving the meat stick down Jones’ throat. Jones coughs and struggles against Jose, who finally lets him go, leaving him with the Slim Jim hanging half out of his mouth. Jose slides back into the ring, high fiving Jorge, as the pair turn to see the group of trainees...who are again completely bewildered by what just took place.] Jorge: What is the matter? Your gross American faces look….how you say...more gross? Young Blonde Trainee: Um...why did you shove a Slim Jim down his throat? Jose: Excuso me? Speak louder, Big Tits McGee. We no hear you so bueno. Big Tits McGee: Actually, my name is Tamm- Jose: Tammy Twatlips? Okay, Tammy Twatlips it is. You ask about meat stick? Jorge: Jorge think she know mucho about meat sticks. Tammy Twatlips: That’s offensive. Jorge: Si. Muy offensivo. You see, in our culture, when you defeat lesser man in battle, you must put your...how you say dong in English? Tammy Twatlips: Penis? Jose: Si, Jose know you would know. You must stick your penis in his foodhole! Jorge: Also why Miguel Draven lose el matcho to Alejandro Haven in Mexico . Too ashamed to pull down pantalones in front of el crowdo. El pene es microscopico. Jose: But we told in America this no permitido - so we use meat stick instead! Jorge: El Slim De Jim! Alyssa Marie: Well, the guys here have been training very hard with Alex and Chris in preparation for their match against The Hierarchy on Monday. As you all know, Haven and Kage are extremely serious about their craft and they knew only the best sparring partners in the world would do to train for their upcoming match. If we are lucky, maybe they will share a few tips with us. Jose: Si! Jose share many tips! Jorge: Jose and I be so happy if you open up your gross American bodies to receive our tips! [The blonde trainee the Powers have affectionately dubbed Tammy Twatlips raises her hand, as if to ask a question.] Jose: Ah, Tammy Twatlips...you wish to receive my tip? Jorge: Come to ring, don’t be shy. Just try Jose’s tip! Just to see how it feel! Jose: Come, Tammy - try my tip! We see how you like it, then we go from there! Alyssa Marie: (rolls her eyes) They want to demonstrate a move on you. Not that kind of move...I think… [Hesitantly, Tammy Twatlips enters the ring, approaching the Latino Powers.] Jorge: Okay, pay attentione! Since Jorge no hit ladies even in training sessiones, unlike Miguel Draven, we ask Tammy Twatlips to lay down on back. [Tammy Twatlips glances at Alyssa Marie, who motions for her to lay down. Reluctantly, she complies.] Jose: Excellente! Jose knew you know that positione! Jorge: Si, but close legs, punta. Jorge no buy you dinner. Jose: Okay, teamwork is foundatione of every great slap hands partners! Jorge and Jose show you el world famous maneuvero de finisho! Your masters Alejandro and El Kago-O use this on X-Cucumber and Arizona Gordon… Jorge: Wait, Arizona Gordon?! Jorge remember him from Uncle Juan’s Donkey Farm! Jose: Si, he insisted on trying every donkey to find which one fit him right. Only boy donkeys! Jorge: But Arizona never ride donkey… Jose: Si. Such terrible noise come from barn. Jorge: Jorge still not know what “fuck me daddy” mean, but he yell it, over and over and over… Alyssa Marie: Guys! The move? Jose: Of course! [Jose positions himself over Tammy’s head, his hands on his knees as he begins to squat over her face. She looks up in absolute horror, but before she can object, Jorge is on top of her, straddling her midsection and restraining his arms with her legs. Jose squats further down as Jorge reaches out and...cups Jose’s butt, as Jose unleashes a devastating fart. Instantly, Jorge perfectly cups his hands before transferring the fart...oh god...directly into Tammy Twatlip’s mouth. The girl gags and begins dry heaving instantly, as Jose now drops to the ground and counts 1...2...3 for the victory. Tammy Twatlips instantly rolls out of the ring, as we hear vomiting noises from the outside. The rest of the trainees look on in disgust as the Powers high five...I mean, high cinco each other.] Jorge: Muy importante...angle of el spinctero must be perfecte to catch maximum fartage. Jose: Si. Pro tip from Jose - no wipo for mucho dias. Jorge: We call it Chimichanga’s Revenge! Alyssa Marie: Oookay...I think we’ve had about enough of this for today. Maybe our esteemed guests will stop by another time to offer their...wisdom to us. Jose: Si! Jose and Jorge love Alejandro and El Kage-O! Trainee: Will you guys be at the Haven and Kage’s match on Monday? Jorge: Latino Powers wish they could come to slap hands partners match of champions, but Uncle Juan need help back on donkey farm. Jose: Si, Arizona Gordon order gallons of donkey juice. Uncle Juan have arthritis. Jorge: Tammy Twatlips come back to Mexico with us? Help milk donkeys? Alyssa Marie: You can’t milk a donkey…oh, gross! Damnit! Dismissed, everybody! [The trainees begin to wander away, all looking extremely confused by the training session. A few of them helping a very distressed Tammy Twatlips...jesus, why am I calling her that now? Her name is just Tammy and she’s a nice girl! Thus ends another chapter in the storied history between The Youth and the Latino Powers. Two teams, four entirely different people, but one mutual respect among all. All four of them. Because they are not Haven and Kage. Not at all.] Edited by The Latino Powers, May 10 2016, 07:15 PM.
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10:52 AM Jul 11