| A Public Service Announcement!; I vs The Youth for the EWA World Tag Team Championship, Tapout Championship, and World Heavyweight Championship | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: May 14 2016, 02:49 AM (26 Views) | |
| The Hierarchy | May 14 2016, 02:49 AM Post #1 |
|
We open on an idyllic family room, located somewhere in the city of Happytown in the blissful state of Smiles & Sunshine, USA. The room itself is heavily decorated with framed portraits of your standard American family. Mom. Dad. Older Brother. Younger Brother. Daughter. Cocker Spaniel. Iguana. There are board games stacked neatly on the shelves and an old Atari 2600 sitting under an old-fashioned tube television set. A ridiculously oversized cross sits above the couch and bright orange shag carpeting finishes off the room with a delightful exclamation point. Walking in from off-camera is a young lad, roughly thirteen years old. Ah, the joys of youth. This poor boy has no idea that he’s about to embark on a journey of dysphoria, despair and dejection in a few short minutes. Pray for him. Pray for America. Our young hero sits down on a puffy couch that has been lined with clear plastic to keep the dust, dander and iguana feces off the furniture. In his hands, he carries a very thick schoolbook entitled “The Red Menace And You - How To Spot A Commie”. He opens up the book and starts thinking about which one of his classmates is a dirty, stinking, communist sympathizer. Probably Janet. He once saw her give away a cup of Jello at lunch time. Clearly she was trying to push proletariat propaganda to panic the public! Bad Janet. Dirty Janet! Before our young super sleuth can alert the proper authorities, a deviant-looking individual wanders aimlessly into our serene world. This new entrant looks older, but is still uncomfortably trying to pretend he’s still hip. His hair is jet black and is heavily greased over. He takes out a knife comb and runs it through his hair a few times before wiping the remnants off on the dog and lighting up a cigarette. His leather jacket and zippered up boots clearly paint him as a nogoodnik hoodlum. He leans up against the doorframe and addresses the young man on the couch. Oh, hey there Billy. Hi Bobby. Did you break out of prison again? Yep, I did it this morning. After I stabbed a guard and wore his skin as a disguise. That’s not nice. I’m going to tell Mom and Dad. You don’t need to tell them squares anything! I’m your big brother afterall. What a strange thing to say. It’s like you provided exposition in our totally normal and unstaged conversation to allow the viewer to better understand our familial relationship. That sounds like queer talk. What are they teaching you at that fancy schmancy public school of yours? Everyone knows you don’t need any schoolin past kindergarten. Look at how I turned out! I’m the ginchiest! I don’t know what that means. It’s the 50s, nobody understands anything we kids say. Then why do we have an Atari over there if it's the 1950s? There’s that gay talk again. I’m learning how to be a lawyer or a proctologist Bobby, I don’t want your bad influence in my life anymore. Don’t be such a weenie, daddy-o! Hey...you want to try something that’ll make you cool? Wha...what do you mean? The greaser brother struts over to his younger sibling and reaches into his leather jacket. He gives a raise of the eyebrow for dramatic effect and pulls out...AN IPAD! *DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN* So hey baby bro. You want to be cool like me, right? I...guess… Well then, wait until you see this! With a flick of his finger, the greaser starts playing a video on his iPad. Our young hero Billy’s eyes light up with terror as he puts a hand to his mouth. Is that...oh my god...is that… Oh you know it! It’s a Chris Kage and Alexander Haven marathon on the EWA Network! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY! I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT! Awwww, don’t be such an ankle-biter! You said you want be cool, right? Yeah but… So, all the cool kids love the Youth! Go ahead, you know you want to watch. No I...I...I… Suddenly, a loud CRASH can be heard as the window behind the television set explodes in a million shards of glass, wood and heavy pyrotechnics. No, it’s not the Kool-Aid man. Rather, swinging in on an old-fashioned pirate’s rope is a figure that is temporarily masked in shadow due to the smoke and dust from the explosion. The cloud slowly dissipates and Billy’s face lights up with joy. Oh my god! It’s TV’s X-Calibur! Chuckling to himself, X takes a step forward and brushes off the pieces of glass and iguana parts that stuck to him during the explosion. He’s wearing a very stylish Navy blue suit with his EWA World Tag Team Championship belt across his waist, and his Tapout Championship across his shoulder. Adjusting the Tapout Title ever so slightly, he smiles. That’s right Billy. I’m here to… well, SAVE you. From what you might ask? WELL I’M GLAD YOU ASKED! From horrendous wrestling, of course. Horrendous wrestling, and, well, OBVIOUSLY now, too much exposure to the prolonged Youth propaganda. That shit is like the sun, Billy. Or pressing your nose into the microwave door while you watch that delicious Hot Pocket spin ‘round and ‘round. It’ll give you the CANCER. Huzzah! Gee willikers! I sure am sorry that I watched even a few seconds of those Kage and Haven highlights now! It’s okay Billy, it wasn’t your fault. It was the peer pressure of your doucher older brother that made you falter. Shame on you, ass fuck! How dare you subject your own brother to that type of torture! HOW. DARE. YOU. Awwww, stick it in your ear! You don’t get us kids today! Dude, you look like you’re about 41 years old. Not to mention you’re so goddamn fat that your umbilical hernia there pushes your belly button out from your shirt making what looks like an upside down nipple triforce. If a little boy in a green tunic comes galloping on a horse, swinging a sword while yelling “Hyah!” every time you step out in the public, I really wouldn’t be surprised. That said, how can you pretend to be in touch with kids today? Shaddup or I’ll bust your ears! Looking to defend his young fan’s honor, X smacks the iPad out of his much older brother’s hands and puts his fists up in the exaggerated style of an early 1900s boxer. Or Conan O’Brien during one of his late night skits before NBC killed his career. Before things can degrade into fistacuffs, the basement door EXPLODES in a very similar fashion as the window just did. Both Billy and Bobby take cover but X just puts his hands on his hips and gives a fatherly laugh. Stumbling out from the basement is Azrael Goeren who quickly rips his bedazzled neon yellow jacket off and stomps out the flames from his entrance explosion. FIRE! FIRE! NOBODY PANIC! I GOT THIS! STOP, DROP, ROLL! STOP, DROP, ROLL! Grabbing a nearby goldfish bowl, Goeren empties the watery contents onto his jacket and extinguishes the flames. The goldfish falls right into his suit jacket pocket, flopping around. Our MegaStar quickly notices how unheroic his own entrance was compared to his tag-team partner and swiftly puts his hands on his hips, mimicking X’s pose. Oh my god! It’s TV’s Azrael Goeren! AZZY! What!? The fish! Goeren snaps his fingers as if to say, “Whoops!”, and quickly yet carefully removes the goldfish from his pocket. Desperately looking to find a water source, Goeren scans the room panicked before finding a glass of water sitting next to a glass of what could only be Mountain Dew. Goeren, of course, dumps the goldfish into the Mountain Dew and takes a swig from the glass of water. Mein Gott. Thank you, X! I’m so parched. Uh, Azzy… Yes? (sigh) Nevermind. Now where was I? Ah yes! Indeed, young American! It is I! Now did I hear someone say that they had to watch a Chris Kage and Alexander Haven match in here? I’m afraid so, Herr Goeren. I hope you brought the IV drip for some good ole fashioned chemotherapy, because it looks like little Billy here was exposed to a “highlight” video for about...5 seconds… Good God… Is that bad Mr. X and Mr. Goeren? Very bad, little Billy. Why don’t you tell him about the epidemic of even the briefest exposure to seeing The Youth, Azzy? Azrael nods and reaches back into the smoking hole that used to be the basement, pulling out an easel with a handful of charts and pie graphs on them. I was wondering why that was down there... Quiet you! You brought this on your own brother, pusher-man! As you can clearly see by these important graphs I colored in a few minutes ago, the longer you are exposed to Kage and Haven you run the risk of impotence… Chronic diarrhea. Hysterical pregnancy. Genital herpes. Erectile Dysfunction/Detachment Stockholm Syndrome. That weird reverse aging disease from Benjamin Button. Aboulomania. Addiction to eating paint chips. Addiction to drinking bleach. Addiction to watching reruns of Saved by the Bell. And finally death by asphyxiation and/or extreme boredom. Goeren kicks his charts back down into the basement, hearing them tumble and crash before finally landing with a loud THUD. So you see Billy, experimenting with Youth videos is nothing anyone of your age...or any age for that matter...should be meddling with. Stick to wholesome, American activities like having Asian prostitutes choke you for sexual gratification or creating fleshlights out of discarded toilet paper tubes. Gee, Mr. Goeren...Mr. X...I had no idea that Youth viewing could be so dangerous! Now I know to just say no! I swear by golly, I’ll never watch another Youth match again. I...I…I don’t feel so good… I think we have a situation here, X... Mother of God...I think we’re too late! That five seconds of Youth exposure may have contaminated his brain! Lesions EVERYWHERE! Listen to the sound of my voice Billy. DO NOT GO INTO THE LIGHT. Are you feeling light headed!? Dizzy!? How’s your penis? Is it still attached? I don’t know! I can’t feel it! QUICKLY! AZZY! Get this boy footage of you and I winning the tag-team titles at Asylum de los Muertos! Roger, roger! Goeren springs into action, digging into his pockets and pulling out a pair of heavy duty coal miner’s gloves. He scans his surroundings and finds Billy and Bobby’s Father’s hazmat suit for the looming nuclear atomic war hanging on a nearby coat rack and quickly dons it for protective purposes. Then, very slowly and carefully, he picks the iPad off from the floor which is still showing Youth matches. Go easy man, you can do this. I’M SO TENSE RIGHT NOW!! MUST...NAVIGATE...THE...EWA...NETWORK! Smooshing his gloved fingers against the responsive glass gets Azrael nowhere. Finally giving up on the charade, he whips the gloves off and quickly types in his search query, bringing up their victory over The Vice Squad for Billy. It’s not working! He’s going into convulsions! The Youth footage was just too much for his fragile mind! It was? X grabs hold of the young boy and shakes him violently. See?! It’s uncontrollable! He’ll be a vegetable in no time! Wait, I have an idea! As swift and agile as a great perverted German leopard, Goeren types in a few more search words and pulls up a scene from the ending of Battlelines IX : VA: Why is Goeren coming to the aid of Sinnocence?! With everyone distracted, Chris Kage grabs a steel chair. MM: Oh no, what is he doing… Swinging it as hard as he can… WHAAAAAAAACK!! CHRIS KAGE NAILS LAURA IN THE BACK WITH THE STEEL CHAIR AS SHE WAS ON TOP OF HANK!! Chris Kage steps through the ropes, and with his head exposed, Azrael Goeren winds up with his foot… BUZZSAW KICK!! MM: BLITZKRIEG!!! Kage is out and fell to the outside!!! I think...yes! I think he’s coming around! Keep going! You’re a miracle worker! The next queued video pops up and starts streaming as The Hierarchy desperately tries to bring Billy back to the land of the living. This clip is from the Asylum Match itself : The roof explodes as Goeren kicks out of Kage's signature move. Kage SLAMS his fists to the mat in fury, screaming at Abjornson that it was a three count, but Abjornson holds up two fingers. Undeterred, Kage drags Goeren to the corner, and quickly climbs to the top turnbuckle, pausing to stretch his arms out. MM: You know what this means... VA: It's the Niagara Fall! Kage leaps off the top rope...BUT GOEREN MOVES! Kage faceplants onto the mat, and Goeren crouches, waiting on Kage like a lion stalks its prey. Kage slowly begins to stir, climbing to his knees, and Goeren takes off like a banshee, racing toward him, and... MM: BLITZKRIEG!! GOEREN DID IT! GOEREN HIT IT!! Billy, Billy can you hear me? A muffled, weak voice can be heard but no words can be made out. In his best Doctor McCoy voice, X gruffly grunts at his tag-team partner. For God’s sake Jim, we’re still losing him! Wait, I have one last video lined up! Starting from the middle of the Main Event match at last Battlelines, the video starts: Kage leaps off the top rope with his patented shooting star press...but Sinnocence rolls out of the way! Kage crashes down on his stomach, as Jada staggers over, and tags Azrael Goeren in! Goeren leaps into the ring, motioning for Kage to get up, and as Kage gets to one knee, Goeren takes off like a cheetah, sprinting across the ring and firing a DEVASTATING kick into the side of Kage's head! MM: BLITZKRIEEEEEEEEEG!!!! VA: NO! Goeren makes the cover! ONE!!! TWO!!! THREE!!! MM: Azrael Goeren just pinned the EWA World Heavyweight Champion!! VA: I can't believe it!! MM: Laura Seton's due a rematch, but now Goeren pins the champion! Let the debate for the rightful #1 contender begin! NR: Chris Kage has been eliminated! CHRIS KAGE ELIMINATED BY AZRAEL GOEREN Slowly coming out of his Youth induced coma, Little Billy’s eyes open weakly. X quickly drops him to the ground and stands up to high five Azrael. We did it! Oh shit. I dropped that acting extra we hired off Craigslist...er...I mean...I dropped that totally real child who we’re not paying. He’s bleeding. He’s a tough kid, he’ll recover. He’s bleeding A LOT. Meh. We have other things to take care of. Namely...YOU! X points angrily over at Bobby the Greaser, who backs up against the nearest wall. I’m sorry man, I’m sorry! I promise I’ll never push The Youth on anyone ever again! You better not slimeball...or we’ll come looking for you. Yeah! And we’ll cut your dick off and feed it to you while looking at yourself in a mirror. Really man? What? Too much. Too far. That’s your solution for everything. Is not. Remember when that chick at Wendy’s gave you a crispy chicken sandwich instead of a grilled one? Ja… What did you tell the drive-through lady? That I’d cut her dick off and feed it to her while she looked at herself in a mirror. See? I don’t follow. Nevermind. All I’m saying is let’s not go cutting off dicks and force people to watch themselves eat it in a mirror just yet. When I pin Kage for the World Title, my - If I let you, you mean. Haha. As I was saying, when I pin Kage for the World Title, my reign is going to be ALL about dick cutting and making people watch themselves eat it in a mirror. Just sayin’. Starting with Haven, I don’t want him to feel left out of this equation. He gets first dibs on the dick cutting and mirror watching. This will be the fad of 2017. Get in on the ground floor. Anyways, as for you… X leans back and delivers one of the fakest looking punches in recorded cinema, causing Bobby the Greaser to spill backwards like he was fired out of a cannon. Dusting his hands off in satisfaction, X grabs hold of Bobby’s collar, picks him up to his feet and NAILS him with an X-Terminator through the glass coffee table! X gets back up and dusts himself off again in front of a wide-eyed Goeren. Now THAT old dude is bleeding. Fuck me, this got out of hand really quickly. All in day’s work. We’re doing a fucking public service here. And speaking of performing a public service… Kage and Haven. You know, it was cute the first time you two Buffalo style chicken shits insinuated that the SHOOT Project wasn’t much of anything with your steam pressed t-shirts. But now you both go and call out all of Las Vegas in some pathetic grasping at straws attempt to “get to me”. Listen, if you two career clowns want to commit career suicide by disrespecting the one place left to go in this business once we, the Hierarchy, show you your true places among the elite and eradicate your sad fucking existence here in the EWA, then by all means. Insult the dynasty that guys like Diamond Del Carver, The Real Deal, and myself helped build over the last 15 years in your little fantasy world where New York is bigger than all of North America and the 6 other countries inhabiting this here Earth combined. I can’t help you and your cannabis fueled delusions there. But where I CAN help you and your cannabis fueled delusions… is against us. Kage, you’ve spit the same boring ass shit at me since you had the audacity to show your face around here all those months ago. I mean… I can’t even, at this point. Nothing’s changed with you since you first looked in my direction all the way through now. Except for the fact that you’ve managed to pad your numbers a little bit with that belt there by having your whole fucking goon squad help you… beat a woman. Not to take away anything from Laura. But… imagine that. Kage’s Kryptonite is vagina. The way he slobs Tyler’s knob, we ALL should’ve seen that coming. You’re like Stephen Hawking without the quantum physics - no backbone or muscle to get shit done on your own. But it’s fine. I’d rather it this way. I RELISH this, actually. Because the more you try and cheapen my long, illustrious legacy in this business and undervalue the titles and accolades I hold and have held, the more you do yourself an injustice by proving how “out of touch” EWA’s World Heavyweight Champion actually is. Especially when faced against a REAL, bona fide challenge. Laura proved that when she beat you at a fuckin’ house show, dingleberry. Clean in the middle of the ring. I’ll just further cement that harsh truth when I plant your carrot dick of a fucking neck into the ground at Battlelines and add a THIRD belt to my current reign as Champion. And Haven? Well, you’re just the nonentity in this match, aren’t you? I already said it though, didn’t I? Weeks and weeks ago. Which is probably why you got all flustered and mad and shit and couldn’t really do anything but look over the shoulder of Kage and, uhhh, make fun of the fact that I wear dragons on my fight shorts? Bahaha. Ohhhhhh… ohhhhhhhh that STINGS, man. It’s almost as unyielding as calling me a girl. Please… please don’t twist the knife any deeper than it already is, okay? Haha. Bitch, please. You’re a fuckin’ nobody, princess… and everyone who fires up the EWA Network on their [insert device here] knows it. It’s just, nobody wants to say anything because they’re afraid you’ll puke up a new type of contract to protect yourself from the truth. Talentless fucking bitches like you who ride as conductor on their own pathetic hype train often do that. Now, with that said? I don’t take away from the fact that you were a “big deal” at one time in that little corner of New York. I mean, that was cool. But your star didn’t just fade when it closed shop and took your somewhat limited video library with it. No, bitch. It fuckin’ exploded. But by no means was it a supernova, dude. It was more like…because I know how much you love my analogies... explosive diarrhea. It got everywhere for a moment, but after a quick wipe-up, a little disinfectant, and a creamsicle scented air freshener… traces of you were gone and completely forgotten. So excuse me if I… don’t quite shake in my boots when you and Kage stop your bullshit for a moment and try to call us out. Like it’s crunch time or something and you got something to prove to the masses who have been saying all along we’re light-years better than any delicate little flower pretending to be somebody in the Youth. As if you need to validate your big money contracts and manufactured clout here by acting like you belong… anywhere… for the first time in your fucking LIVES. It’s almost as bad as Donald Trump eating a burrito on Cinco de Mayo. Nobody fucking believes Donald Trump likes Mexicans… and nobody fucking believes Chris Kage and Alexander Haven could ever beat X-Calibur and Azrael Goeren. Not on their best day. Not even on our worst goddamn day. Finish ‘em, Az. See, for me I’ve already gotten to Kage so many time it’s like he owes me rent money. I have to admit, there is something downright sexy about each and every time my foot connects with the side of his skull and I knock him the fuck out. I’m not saying I’m rolling with a full-on erection each time I do it, but I’m definitely at half-mast. I said I would knock him out at the Asylum, and I did. Said I would do it at the last Battlelines, and I did. So hopefully he hears me when I say this. I will knock Chris Kage the fuck out at Battlelines. Mark it down, place your Vegas bets and wake up Grandma because it’s going to happen. I know I’m supposed to fear our World Champion, that’s what everyone in the Youth desperately wants me to do, but I honestly can’t fear a man who won’t even fight for himself. Even when I was running corporate takeover schemes or ruining the careers of my enemies in my darkest days, you could never say that I didn’t fight my own battles. If I wanted an undesirable out of the way, I wouldn’t send wave after wave of cross-eyed stormtroopers after him. I’d make sure my enemies knew it was me before I crushed their larynx or crippled them. Not with Kage though, he seems content on letting his League of Extraordinarily Shitty Gentlemen do his dirty work for him. Doesn’t make a lick of sense to me. Kage is legitimately one of the best and most talented in-ring performers in EWA today but he still insists on hiding behind his Foot Clan soldiers who just get bounced around each and every time they have to step up and prove themselves. And as for Haven, he’s the worst of the bunch. If you’re going to be a leader, be a leader. Don’t be a clingy, spineless dingleberry just holding onto the scrotum of a man with far more vision than yourself. I mean, what did we see from Haven at Battlelines two weeks ago? He started crying like a baby to Gates, got ANOTHER man a World Title shot...go figure...dressed up as a cameraman and then lost in the biggest match of his career that resulted in The Youth being neutered. Bravo, Herr Haven. If that’s the conduct of a leader then we’re doing the world a favor by dragging what’s left of the Youth behind the shed and putting a proverbial bullet right through your skulls at Battlelines. I know we’re going to successfully defend our EWA Tag Team titles against these two pretend tough guys because when I look at them I know they have absolutely no idea what it takes to keep me down. Nobody likes to have more fun that the Sultan of Sleaze, but when that bell rings it's all about business and getting the job done. I have fought with everything I’ve had in me to get that EWA World Title. I’ve been screwed with, sneak attacked and even had my own family turn against me in my efforts to achieve what I’ve never been able to accomplish in my career. Now that I’m right here on the cusp, I want it more than anything else I’ve ever had in my life. That title around Kage’s waist is my end game and I will tear it from him if it's the last fucking thing I do in this miserable life of mine. If Haven wants to get in my way, fine. I’ll tear him apart for free. Might even sport a quarter of a chub doing it just to make him feel like he’s not left out. I never asked to be a leader here in EWA, but that seems to be the lot that I’ve been cast in. So be it. I’ll finish off The Youth for good, defend our Tag Team titles, take the EWA World Title and cement my legacy all in one night. All I need is one chance. You can guarantee after everything I’ve been through, I won’t let it pass me by. Mr...Goeren? Mr...X? Holy crap, Billy! The EWA Tag-Team Champions quickly make their way to the young lad and help him to his feet. He holds the back of his head with one hand and Goeren’s shirt with another, trying to steady himself. Thank you for teaching me how to properly be a good American and just say no to The Youth. Thatta boy! Next week, we’ll teach you all about gonorrhea. You’ll finally learn why it hurts when you pee! After a round of incredibly phony sitcom-esque laughter, Azrael and X both give a giant high-five to each other and freeze frame. Neither man moves and both have giant smiles plastered on their faces. Little Billy looks up at both men in confusion and then over at the broken remains of what was once his living room. Is someone going to help me clean this up? Without moving from their freeze frame high five, X speaks up. EWA is going to pay for it. Really? Hell no. We’re totally getting sued for this. Mr. Goeren? How long were you in my basement? Since your Mom invited me over last night. What? What? MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!! |
|
| |
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| « Previous Topic · The Warrior's Den · Next Topic » |







10:52 AM Jul 11