| In The Arms of The Youth | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 29 2016, 08:02 PM (24 Views) | |
| The Youth | May 29 2016, 08:02 PM Post #1 |
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NOTE: Nobody other than the Youth were compensated any money for the creation of this commercial… [On a black screen, the following words fade into the picture: Every hour an animal is beaten or abused The soft, gentle sounds of a song -- THAT SONG, “Angel” -- begins to play as we start to see it. Random images of various sad, sad animals. A mini wiener dog slowly crawls towards the camera, attempting to make his way out of the white towel that drapes his body. A mini shar pei puppy lays on top of a red leather chair, that droopy face made even droopier with the wrinkles bringing it down. A large mutt huddled in a corner, fat and old, slowly tries to walk towards the camera, but the obvious limp makes it look incredibly painful for the animal. Another fading black image with white lettering… They suffer alone and terrified More random images of these three creatures show on the screen. The wiener dog bouncing around his cage while surrounded by actual hot dogs, some of them covered in a red substance. The shar pei, now sitting on the top shelf of a fridge next to a bottle of two percent milk. That same mutt, still trying to walk from one end of his larger cage to the other, slipping and falling before trying to get back up, looking sad directly at the camera. before the next image… showing… HER. Sarah McLachlan. The brunette beauty sits inside an immaculate living room. Hair slightly curled, flowing down over her unbuttoned patterned long sleeve shirt and tank top, showing just enough cleavage to probably keep most male viewers watching, no matter what the message is. Sitting on her lap is the wiener dog from the prior images. Well, Sarah probably wishes the dog was sitting. She tries to keep him on her right side, but the dog, either excited to not be in a crate or just hyperactive, continues to crawl all over the couch Sarah and the dog are on…] Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Please say you’ll be the answer for an innocent animal… [The wiener dog is now standing on its’ back two paws, trying to lick the lower part of Sarah’s cheek, constantly jumping to lick even higher on her face. But the tongue is just going on this one…] Sarah: … who’s suffering, right now. An animal… [Sarah has to pause again, but now because the dog, still on its’ back two paws, is now standing directly on Sarah’s lap, head going from licking Sarah’s neck to burying its’ head into her cleavage. Sarah, trying her best to stay poised, picks the dog up and places it back down on his belly, laying across her lap.] Sarah: ...An animal who needs … needs your… [The camera now watches as the dog has moved to straddle Sarah’s right leg and is feverishly humping her leg! Right on camera! This is videography gold, people!] Sarah: … needs your… OK, cut! Can someone get this animal off of me? [The camera pans back, and we see that the immaculate home we saw in earlier images is really just a set built in the front reception area of a local animal shelter. A number of people come rushing into the set. One person grabs the wiener dog and sets him inside a pen a number of feet away from the set. Another person runs in, handing Sarah a can of Canada Dry Ginger Ale -- what else, right? -- as he inserts a flexible straw into the top of the can for the recording legend. A third person is in to work on Sarah’s hair, while a number of other people work on getting the set ready again, working on the recording equipment… As the camera continues to pan away from the set, we find an area where there seems to be a number of people watching the production of this… whatever the hell it is. But most notably is the Youth. Not just one or two of them, but the whole group. Alex, Chris, Tyler and Martin. Alyssa, Misty, Josh, Big D, even “BluntMaster” Jimmy Walker. They’re all standing there in complete disbelief of what is happening in front of them. All of them look speechless, that is, until…] Tyler: Could you have picked any stupider of an idea? Misty: You mean someone actually suggested we watch this? [Everyone in the group turns. Well, everyone, except for Martin. And that’s because they’ve all turned to look at him.] Martin: What? Who doesn’t love looking at Sarah? Even at 48, she ain’t bad to look at! Big D: I got a dog she can stroke on camera… Alyssa: I’m going to be sick. Kage: I wish your father had just beat you as a child rather than ignored you. Haven: Where'd Josh just go? He was just here… ok, why is Josh over in the corner crying? Josh: (crying) It's such a sad song… BluntMaster: Hey guys, watch this! [The camera turns to show Jimmy blowing smoke from the blunt in his hand into the face of a pitbull, who is sitting there attempting to eat the smoke, probably the happiest living creature in this building at the moment.] Haven: I PRAY that you have a good reason as to why we’re all here, Robertson. Martin: Oh, I do. Metaphors! Tyler: Meta… what? Metaphors??? We’re here for fucking metaphors? (to Haven) Can I please knock him out with my cast? Haven: Easy, Bob. Let’s hear wha… Producer: QUIET ON THE SET! CAN WE PLEASE HAVE QUIET ON THE SET? Martin: (whispering) Oh, this should be good. [The image cuts back to show just, as we now know, the mock up living room, with Sarah back on the couch, now sitting with the shar pei puppy on her lap. The song in the background is re-cued up and begins back at the beginning of the song. Sarah adjusts herself on the couch before speaking.] Sarah: Please, call the number on your screen. Or go online and join the ASPCA with a monthly gift, right now. [Hey, this dog is actually staying put for Sarah. Not bad. Wait, scratch that, the dog has just sprinted across Sarah’s lap and now out of the picture. The more wide-angle lens shows the dog running to… the catering table? Apparently the shar pei was hungry, because it’s now devouring the cookies on the table.] Sarah: That’s it! I’m out of here! There’s nothing that could save the mu… WHOA! [And just like that, as Sarah was storming off the set, she walks by the pen where the wiener dog is, and slips on the floor, falling ass first on the linoleum. She gets back up quickly, slightly embarrassed, until…] Sarah: And what is with all of the white stuff by this mutt here?? C’mon guy! [The camera turns towards the Youth, who all have their collective jaws dropped to the floor.] Martin: So Canadians really DO say ‘guy’! I wonder…(shouting towards Sarah) Hey Sarah! I’ll see you around, buddy! Sarah: Don’t call me buddy, guy! Martin: Don’t call me guy, friend! Sarah: I’m not your friend, buddy! Martin: Well, then I’m not your buddy, guy! Sarah: I’m not a guy, fri… Kage: ENOUGH! BluntMaster: You guys should, you know, just take over for her… Martin: NO WAY! THAT’S AN AWESOME IDEA! Haven: Martin, I… [Too late, as Martin has now run over to the set where Sarah was sitting before. But instead of having one of the dogs from the images at the beginning of the scene with him, he has all three. The wiener dog is chasing the shar pei around Martin in circles, while the ol’ yeller-style dog is just sitting in front of Martin, head resting on his lap, looking like he’s already taking a nap. The image changes from the full shot of the place to just the image that looks like the commercial.] Martin: Hi, I’m Martin Robertson. Please say you’ll be the answer for these innocent wrestlers who are suffering, right now. [The camera switches quickly back to the Youth.] Kage: Did he just say ‘wrestlers’? [Camera switches back to the “commercial” view, with Martin now leaning in…] Martin: (making air quotes) Metaphor! [Martin sits back into a more poised position.] Martin: Please, call the number on your screen right now. Or go on the YouthTube SPCA website with a daily gift, right now. For only $19 a day, you’ll rescue these wrestlers from their abusers… Kage: (off camera) At least he got that part right... Martin: … provide medical care, food, shelter… and love. Call or join online in the next thirty minutes, and we’ll send you the photo of one of these poor, pathetic wrestlers… and a YouthTube tote bag. This is your chance to say, “I won’t sit by as a wrestler suffers.” Please call or go online right now. Producer: What the fuck are you doing on my set? Martin: (flinging the wiener dog across the set) Your set? I’m the one that called and set everything up? So as long as you cashed that checked you were handed earlier, I wouldn’t worry about a damn thing here! Producer: Speaking of that check, who the hell is … “Haywood… Jublome”? [Image back to the Youth, just in time to catch Haven slap Josh in the back of the head.] Martin: Really? You signed the fake check as him? Big D: Where’d Sarah go? She can blow me! Producer: AHHH! [Frustrated, we see everyone begin to storm out of the area. Everyone, that is, except for the Youth, who have now congregated on the makeshift set looking down at all of the dogs that are back on the couch…] Haven: (looking at Martin) Congratulations. That went about as well as ANYONE could have possibly imagined. Kage: I swear guys, there is a reason some of these dogs don't get homes. Look at some of these fucking things. Like, this one for example. [Kage points to the first dog on the couch. It is a mini dog, but it appears to be currently in the act of attempting to procreate with the arm of the couch. Also known as “humping.”] Kage: I wouldn't want that damn thing in my house, rubbing it's Michael Draven sized cock all over my shit. That shit would go on for about ten minutes and I'd have that dog on a one way trip to “China King,” let it become my next entrée of choice. Martin : Ugh...seriously? Kage: Yea that might be taking it a bit too far. But I mean look at the little shit, he actually reminds me a lot of one Azrael Goeren. I mean I'm talking a possible reincarnation of good ole Henrik here. Think about it, it makes sense, this dog has barely stopped humping that couch pillow long enough to even realize we’re here. Goeren meanwhile has been so busy humping Sinn’s leg and whatever other whore that walks through the door that day, that he also hasn't seen the alphas enter the room. His hormones are so jacked up, he can barely function. Or maybe it's the beating that he and his life partner received at the hands of Alex and I that have made him so fucking delirious. What is the end game, Az? Because you sure talk a big game, you speak like my EWA World Heavyweight title is some life long dream that you are destined to achieve. There seems to be definite disconnect between the words that you use and the actions that you take. If my title meant that much to you, if being the absolute best is your true passion, then you would start focusing on what's right in front of your face. But not you, not good ole Az, you spend a majority of your time playing grab ass with Sinn and trying to play daddy with your estranged daughter? I mean I'm not going to complain. To this point it has actually worked out in my favor. The more Azrael Goeren goes down the dark hole of his own self wallowing, the more and more gold The Youth collects. First he couldn't keep his attention long enough to get the job done in the Asylum, so I planted his ass ten feet deep and ended any speculation about who the real EWA World Heavyweight Champion was. So then in her ultimate wisdom Stacy Vandervort gave Alex and I an opportunity to add even more gold to The Youth’s ever growing collection, by giving us a match for Az and X’s tag team titles. We did what we do best and walked into Battlelines XII and kicked that mini humping dog and his number one mount X-Calibur all over the ring, and sure as shit we left with their titles around our waists. Az was left again, with nothing, nothing but a hope and a dream that he could leave a ring he shares with me as anything more than a fucking loser. It's a worry he shouldn't have to deal with after Battlelines, because there isn't a chance in hell Azrael Goeren is ever going to have another opportunity for my World Heavyweight title ever again. That is, once we destroy him Tuesday night. To this point the only thing Henrik should really be worrying about is making it out of the ring in one piece come Tuesday night. He doesn't exactly have his old “LowerArchy” brethren to watch his back this timewatch. Nope, not at all, he has to count on an over rated whiney bitch and a has-been who still wishes people cared about his accomplishments in feds that have been closed longer than I've been alive. Yes, pretty please, Grady, tell us all about your big win in the IWF, or no wait, weren't you the guy that beat the guy who knew the guy from the AWF? I think that's right, do tell Grady, do tell. Actually don't, because that's not how this works, referencing a past that no one cares about, doesn't all of a sudden make you a legend or give you that mantle to claim. It's about what have you done for me lately, Grady, and my question for you is...what have you done lately? From my perspective you have done nothing but try and bury your son, try and snuff out his flame because it happens to shine brighter than yours ever did. It's a sad state of affairs when a father clings onto his son’s accomplishments to try and make himself relevant again. I'll say this for Grady though, at least he did accomplish something at some point, unlike the goodie two shoes skank that rounds out this glorious triplet of misfits. Laura fucking Seton, yay, let the crowd roar in honor of all her deficiencies. Am I the only person that is dumbfounded at the amount of hype this slut continues to garner? Sometimes I feel like I took crazy pills and am living in some alternate reality. Laura Seton continues to be the biggest fraud in this fucking industry right now. Has anyone taken the time to actually sit there and watch this bleeding snatch talk? Probably not, because at most it's usually a thirty second clip of her double clicking her mouse while blabbering on about how she is destined for greatness. It's a fucking bore fest, trust me. Everyone should do themselves a favor next time Laura Seton shows up on the EWA Network, take a stick, tape knives to it, and shove it up your ass. It will take your mind off of the tire fire burning directly in front of you and could possibly help with any future constipation issues. Trust me on this one, we have data from focus groups that pretty much guarantee its effectiveness. Also, can I just say how done I am with all these ass clowns talking about their so called destiny's. How about instead of claiming what you're meant to do, ya take the fucking bull by the horns and do it already. I know I didn't stand here and tell you I was destined to be a 3-time EWA World Heavyweight Champion, I didn't tell you I was destined to be one half the EWA Tag Team Champions, I didn't tell you I was destined to be the greatest of all time...I just fucking did it. I am best this business has ever seen, and my army and I will continue to show the rest of the world...just why… ...You've Already Lost... [Suddenly, the shar pei dog, wearing a pink hula skirt and a little leather vest jumps up on Haven’s lap. Alex looks disgusted as he ushers it off, back to the floor, where it will inevitably be fucked once more by the Goeren dog.] Haven: God, that thing is even uglier than the real Laura. Face it, you can dress it up in whatever fucking clothes you like, but at the end the day, putting a championship belt on a mediocre second rate “star” like Laura Seton doesn’t make her any better than she really is. It’s obvious, however, that Duane Gates felt Laura was his personal pet project during his reign of blubbery terror in the EWA. As the man who originally discovered her, he must have felt bad that she in all these years had yet to become anything more than just...there. And if he could get a something something on the side from it all, well, what’s to complain about? Now, I’m not saying Laura slept with Duane Gates to earn her title opportunity and “reign”... ...but let’s face it, that’s the only reasonable explanation for this whole thing. I know it’s important for every show to have a strong female lead these days, but that’s why we have people like X-Calibur and Grady Smith around. X-Calibur, because his own irrational mood swings have been proven to show a shocking similarity to women on their menstrual cycles. Grady Smith, because...well...old ladies love them cowboy types. But honestly, have you ever seen another woman identify with Laura? As far as I can tell, her fandom is exclusively prepubescent boys with a cougar complex. Laura is milk toast. White bread. Cookie cutter female heroine, and the real fans - the ones who aren’t just staring at her ample backside, want something more. Something with substance. Something like edge. The promise of Laura Seton and the reality of her are two very different things. It’s like being promised medicinal grade marijuana and ending up with shitty ditch weed. Kage: (shivers) That is scary. Haven: I know, man. I know. Martin: Those two are bad, but look at this thing… [The third dog… old, tired. Slowly raises its’ head up to look at Martin.] Martin: If this dog isn’t Grady Smith incarnate, I don’t think there could be any better depiction of that sad sack of human remains on this Earth. And you can’t help but feel bad for him. I mean, is it really his fault that he’s gotten himself into this situation? Oh wait, yes it is. It is absolutely Grady Smith’s fault that he’s now stepping into the ring against the greatest family that the wrestling world has ever seen… EVER! The man loves to spout on about how back in the day, he’d be in complete control of everything, and god help you if you were to stand in his way. But now, well over a decade since he was last regularly competing in a wrestling ring, Grady Smith is going to be the one hoping and praying that God is on his side, because there is not a damn thing that is going to be able to stop the Youth train anytime soon. This is a young man’s game, Grady. And sure, you’ve been able to manage that mangled body of yours through a couple of twists and turns that have been thrown your way so far. You survived that 12-person tag match a few weeks ago, but let’s be honest with ourselves, Grady… You lasted over an hour in the match, but for 55 to 60 of those minutes, you sat your geriatric ass on the ring apron and let everyone else handle doing the dirty work. Let’s not get it twisted and make it sound like your 60-minute Iron Man match against both Jack Daniels and Harding Cash from nearly fifteen years ago. At Battlelines though, you’re not stepping into the ring against those two losers. You’re stepping into the ring with the Youth. Chris Kage, the longest-reigning World Heavyweight Champion anywhere, not just the EWA! Alexander Haven, the greatest leader the wrestling world has ever seen, ever! And Martin Robertson, daddy dearest’s own flesh and blood, the man he started to train… the man that quickly out-shined that bright star daddy likes to portray in the wrestling sky! When you put my genetics… my skills, my athleticism, my ability to do things in that ring daddy only dreamed of doing … and then you add the intellect I could only learn from a man like Alexander Haven… people ten years from now are going to be looking back going “Damn, Martin Robertson was the greatest wrestler to ever step foot into a wrestling ring! He truly was Perfection!” Kind of like how they wax poetic about you now, Grady. Except it won’t just be smoke up your ass, but it’ll be the damn truth! Just like this poor guy right here (Martin bends down to pet the dog, who can barely turn its’ head towards Martin) who probably needs to be put out of his misery, there’s nothing that’s going to stop us from putting you out of your misery at Battlelines, Grady. And no amount of help… not Goeren, not Seton… not anyone, is going to prevent that. This little revolution of yours that you claim to be here for, we’re going to snuff it out quick, fast and in a hurry for you, and we’ll do that at Battlelines. [Martin stands up.] Martin: Oh, and Draven, don’t worry. I’m not really going to put this old dog out of its’ misery on live television. But I will put Grady out of his misery on live television at Battlelines. And then… I’ll do the same thing to you at Path of the Warrior. Haven: Where’d the other dogs go? [The group looks around the set, only to find “Laura” and “Goeren” feverishly humping in the corner. “Grady”, seeing this hot dog action, decides to try to get in on it - but after two or three steps, he collapses to the ground once more, content to just watch his tag team partners fornicate.] Haven: Jesus, if this isn’t what our match at Battlelines is gonna be like, than I don’t know what is. You’ve got Grady Smith, winded before he can even step foot into the ring, but still carrying on like he’s the hottest thing in the wrestling industry since...well...us! You’ve got Laura, content to go along with the flow. Whatever happens happens, she’s just aw shucks so glad to be here with all her fans! This woman has been walked over and stepped on more times than a piece of gum on a city street, yet she somehow sticks around just long enough to be a nuisance to those of us with real business in the main events around here. And finally...Goeren...a man who hasn’t met a man, woman, animal, couch, alien, robot, or dead body he wouldn’t hump to death. A man with so many problems it would take Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Huxtable to fix him. Well, maybe not Dr. Huxtable. I’m heard he has some problems of his own that Heinrich can likely relate to. And this is precisely why at Battlelines, this ragtag group misfits doesn’t stand a chance against the First Family of Professional Wrestling. You have Chris Kage - THREE TIME EWA Champion. Martin Robertson - the longest reigning EWA Network Champion of all time. And myself, Alexander Haven - one half of the tag team champions, and the Mastermind behind the reign of chaos The Youth has installed over the EWA. Make no mistake about it - these men before you, Martin, Chris, myself - and even Tyler, when he gets that cast off - are a united front that cannot be taken down. While the three of you try to find any sort of common ground with one another, The Youth will be the dominant force we always are - kicking ass, winning gold, and looking damn good doing it. Always on the same page, always at the top, and always making the rest of this sorry roster look like the clowns they are. You can all whine about how it’s not fair. How we exploit the rules. How we take advantage of numbers. You know what I hear? Whining. Whining from those who’ve been outmatched, outsmarted, and just plain knocked out. It happened to Laura. It happened to Georen. And I’m sure Grady is still feeling the effects of the beating his own flesh and blood and I laid upon him at the Warrior’s trial. Martin: Probably feels about as good as the dog here does...how old do you think this thing is? Haven: 42 years old. Martin: Wow, in dog years, so that’s like… Haven: No, he’s 42 HUMAN years old…so that makes him like… BluntMaster: 294 years old. [The whole group stares in disbelief at Jimmy, who shrugs his shoulders.] BluntMaster: What? I’m good at math. I have a masters in engineering. Haven: Bullshit. Why don’t you engineer us a smoke, asshole? Even these dogs probably wanna get stoned after this train wreck… Kage: Might kill Grady here...with any luck. [The group laughs at Kage’s comment... all but Martin, who upon noticing he is the only one not laughing, joins in. The dogs are ushered away by the staff, as The Youth begin to make their exit. Martin lags behind a bit, yelling out to the rest.] Martin: Hang on guys, I left my cell phone. [Martin returns to the couch, searching for his phone, until the others are safely out of sight. He turns, reaching into his pocket, and kneels down next to the Grady dog. He opens his hand to reveal a dog treat, which the old dog happily eats from his hand.] Martin: Take it easy, boy. [Patting the dog on his head, he rises and quickly rushes off to meet the rest of the group.] |
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10:51 AM Jul 11