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The One Shot Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 17 2006, 06:48 PM (1,276 Views)
Genetic God
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Chief of Staff
3 Rings of Marriage
Many times there are 3 different rings that that reveal the signs of couples:

  • The Engagement Ring
  • The Wedding Ring
  • The SuffeRING


Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
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Cyrus The Virus
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Cyrus.EXE
O.K, Two best friends are out hunting in the woods. Suddenly one of the friends fall into a hole. The second friend shots down “Are you alright”. He hears no reply and takes out his mobile phone and rings 911.

Operator: What seems to be the emergency?
Second Friend: My friend has fallen down a hole.
Operator: What is your location?
Second Friend: *Gives Location*
Operator: First things first, Is he dead. *Hears a gun shoot*
Second Friend: He is now, what do I do next.
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Cyrus The Virus
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Cyrus.EXE
From the late 80s or early90s joke on p.cs:


Actual call centre conversation....


There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is
a true story fro m the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from
a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen lo ok like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: &nbs p; "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: &n bsp; "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"
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Genetic God
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Cyrus The Virus
Feb 19 2006, 01:02 PM
O.K, Two best friends are out hunting in the woods. Suddenly one of the friends fall into a hole. The second friend shots down “Are you alright”. He hears no reply and takes out his mobile phone and rings 911.

Operator: What seems to be the emergency?
Second Friend: My friend has fallen down a hole.
Operator: What is your location?
Second Friend: *Gives Location*
Operator: First things first, Is he dead. *Hears a gun shoot*
Second Friend: He is now, what do I do next.

I've heard this one before, it's funny everytime though :noddy:
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Cyrus The Virus
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Cyrus.EXE
Genetic God
Feb 19 2006, 01:12 PM
Cyrus The Virus
Feb 19 2006, 01:02 PM
O.K, Two best friends are out hunting in the woods. Suddenly one of the friends fall into a hole. The second friend shots down “Are you alright”. He hears no reply and takes out his mobile phone and rings 911.

Operator: What seems to be the emergency?
Second Friend: My friend has fallen down a hole.
Operator: What is your location?
Second Friend: *Gives Location*
Operator: First things first, Is he dead. *Hears a gun shoot*
Second Friend: He is now, what do I do next.

I've heard this one before, it's funny everytime though :noddy:

It has been voted No.1. A bunch of reseachers set out to find the funniest joke and that is what they found.
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scaresdale dentist
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Colgate
A Gorriller walks into a pub and orders a pint the barman thinks i can make some money here gives him £2.50 change starts with the small talk and says " We dont get many gorrillers in here" And the gorriller says "IM NOT SURPRISED AT £7.50 A PINT .............

.......A Man walks into a pub and sees a sign saying " TAKE THE BAR CHALLENGE AN WIN FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS". So he storms over to the bar and says "I'll take this challenge what is it" the barman says " First you have to down a bottle of vodka then remove the broken tooth from the gator out back then shag the most vile woman working here" "I'll do it " says the man downs the vodka then goes after the gator two hours of shouting and screaming later he walks in covered in blood and says " RIGHT WERES THAT BIRD WHO WANTS HER TOOTH PULLING"

A drunk is walking along and smacks into a tree. He backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again. He does it again.

He mumbles, this is great. I was supposed to be home hours ago, and now here I am lost in a forest.

................Two camels talking first says "Why do we have these humps" the second replys " Our humps store water and fat so when we walk through the dessert we dont need to eat or drink for long periods of time" "Oh" Says the first "So why do we have these stupid long eye lashes" "When were in the dessert and the winds blowing our long eye lashes stop sand getting into our eyes" says the second "So why do we have these stupid feet" says the first "Well" says the second "When were in the dessert they stop us sinking in to the sand" "Right right so what the crap are we doing in chester zoo" says the first ............

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For f **k's sake, you w*nker, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!!"

Two nuns are returning home from a bike ride on an unfamillier road and the first nun says "I havent come this way before " The second nun says "No me neither it must be the cobbles"............

....Two nuns out for a drive and a demon jumps on there bonnet the first nun says "What should i do" second nun says "Show him your cross" "The first nun shouts "Get off my fucking car"

A friend of mine died of dyslexia. --- He choked on his own vimto

The phone rang , I picked it up and said , "Whos speaking?" A voice said, "you are"

A went to the chip shop and asked for fish and chips twice --He said "I heard you the first time"

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war and the three most powerfull men in America are named Bush, Dick, and colon.

Somebody complimented me on my driving today, They left a note on my windscreen,
It said, "Parking Fine"

Hyeena talking to a Gorilla it says "Every time i walk down this path a huge tiger attacks me do you think you could help me" "What do you want me to do " says the Gorilla "Well " says the Hyeena "I want you to climb a tree down that path and when the Tiger attacks me you jump in and help me". The Gorilla goes down the path climbs a tree and waits,five minutes later the Hyeena walks down and the Tiger jumps out and beats the crap out of the Hyeena the Tiger leaves and the Gorilla climbs down and the Hyeena says "What the hell was that i asked for your help and you did nothing" the gorilla looks at him and says "You were laughing that much i thought you were winning"

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer -- Put it in the microwave till its BILL WITHERS

Paddy and Murphy walking down the street and when Paddy says "I'm just going in this churchyard for a crap"
Ten minutes pass Murphy's still waiting an hour passes then two hours finally three hours later and Paddy walks out and Murphy says "Were the hell have you being its bin three hours" and Paddy says "Have you ever tryed wiping your arse with confettie."

Paddy and Murphy are going fishing there walking down the road when they see a guy fishing over a bridge and they here a voice saying "Right pull me up" the fisherman starts to reel in and theres a guy on the end of his fishing rod with two fish in his hands Paddy says "Murphy i think we should try that at the next bridge"
they get to the next bridge and Murphy is lowered and 15 minutes later Murphys shouting "REEL ME IN, REEL ME IN." Paddy says "Have you got a fish" and Murphy shouts "NO BUT THERES A TRAIN COMING"

A guy is trapped in the jungle its dark and all the animals are getting closer babboons are grouping in the trees above him he can here a jaguar growling very close and a leoperd is readying to pounce, Fearing his imminent death he decides to play his flute one last time he starts to play and all the animals are hypnotised after an hour theres more animals appearing and just sitting and listening another hour passes and a tiger walks up the man starts to play even better all the animals have smiles on there faces and are moving to the music and the tiger walks up bites the the guys head off, All the animals snap out of there trances and say "What did you do that for that was the most beutifull sound we have ever had in the jungle" and the Tiger puts a claw to its ear and says "WHAT , EH ?"

A guy walks in to Alcoholics annonamos and says "I want to stop Gambleing" A man says "You want gamblers annonamos" The guy says "Your probably right am that drunki dont know were i am"

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Money cant buy happiness, But it pays for alot of pleasure
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scaresdale dentist
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Colgate
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude says, "What in the hell is that?"

Mable replies, "A condom, this way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?"

"Oh you can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
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Money cant buy happiness, But it pays for alot of pleasure
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Genetic God
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Never Underestimate A Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thought this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"























































































The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."
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Tetsuo Shima
Recruit
one night a husband says to his wife "Hey how about we change positions"

The wife says "Okay, you stand in front of the ironing board and i'll sit on the couch fart and drink beer"
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Icey Tundra Paladin
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/roaming mystic ice caves/
whyd th chicken cross the road?





























because he wanted to get to the other side
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coldsectionmodule
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Corporal Silver
........................................

:angry: :angry: :angry: :( :( :yawn: :yawn: :wonders: :wonders:
Quote:
 
What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indespensible to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction. It's the same way a drug can be something good and something bad.
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scaresdale dentist
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In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker.

They were flying over mountains when suddenly the pilot burst through the doors to the passenger compartment and announced that there was a fuel leakage and the plane would crash in 5 minutes.

"There are only three parachutes I'm afraid," he said, as he hurredly grabbed one for himself and jumped out. That left the three passengers and two parachutes.

Bill Gates said, "I'm very important, and I'm the world's smartest man and I deserve to live." And with that he grabbed a pack and leaped out.

"Young man," said the Pope to the hitchhiker, "I am old, I have lived my life and it was a very good one. You're still young, please take the last parachute and save yourself. My life is in the hands of God."

"It's okay," said the hitchhiker. "Don't worry, we have a parachute each."

"How can that be?" asked the Pope.

"Well, the world's smartest man just jumped out with my backpack!"

.....................



11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes all applauded.
........................

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

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whatever
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ah, this is more up my alley:

ill start with confuscious says:

confusius says: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
confusius says: Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
confusius says: Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
confusius says: Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
confusius says: Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
confusius says: Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
confusius says: Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
confusius says: Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
confusius says: Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
confusius says: Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
confusius says: Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
confusius says: Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
confusius says: Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
confusius says: He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
confusius says: Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
confusius says: Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
confusius says: He who run behind bus get exhausted.
confusius says: Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
confusius says: He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
confusius says: Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
confusius says: Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.
confusius says: Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
confusius says: State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.
confusius says: He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
confusius says: He who plays with self, pulls boner.
confusius says: Baseball all wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.
confusius says: House without toilet is uncanny.
confusius says: Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.
confusius says: Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.
confusius says: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
confusius says: It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
confusius says: Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.
confusius says: Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
confusius says: Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
confusius says: Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.
confusius says: Man who plays with self pulls boner.
confusius says: Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
confusius says: Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
confusius says: Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.
confusius says: Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
confusius says: Man who suck woman's tit make clean breast of things.
confusius says: Man who walk in middle of road get run over by bus.
confusius says: Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed.
confusius says: Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
confusius says: Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
confusius says: Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
confusius says: Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
confusius says: Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag.
confusius says: Man who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.
confusius says: Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
confusius says: Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
confusius says: Don't sweat the petty stuff ... and don't pet the sweaty stuff.
confusius says: Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
confusius says: Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
confusius says: Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
confusius says: Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
confusius says: Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.
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Genetic God
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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a much better model.

The women won!
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Genetic God
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How do you fix a broken chimp?
With a monkeywrench.
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