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The One Shot Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 17 2006, 06:48 PM (1,274 Views)
Genetic God
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Part 1:
One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work. The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.

For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."


Part 2:
Same monastery, few months later. A second man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening). The monk explained and the man took the jobs. He also happily rang the bell for a few days before slipping and plunging to his death. The constable showed up and asked if the monk knew the man. The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."
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Genetic God
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A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he has ever eaten. He goes back into the kitchen to thank the cook, and finding someone there cooking, he asks "Are you the Fish Fryer?" To which the man replies, "No, I'm the Chip Monk".
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Genetic God
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There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words. After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk. "It has been ten years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Bed... hard..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office. "It has been ten more years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Food... stinks..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these ten years?"

"I... quit!" said the monk.

"Well, I can see why," replied the head monk. "All you ever do is complain."
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Genetic God
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There's a blonde,a red head and a brunette all on death row
they are all out in the desert about to be executed
first up is the brunette the shooter counts 4-3-2-......
and the brunette yells out "Tornado!!" everybody turns around to see the tonado and the brunette runs away
next up is the red head the shooter counts 4-3-2-......
and the red head yells out "Flood!!" everybody turns around to see the Flood and the red head runs away
next up is the blonde the shooter counts 4-3-2-......
and the red head yells out "Fire!!"............
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Genetic God
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A guy walks up to the front counter of an airline to get his boarding pass and puts his bags on the scale to measure. He says to the attendant across the counter,
"I have 3 bags I need to check in. I want you to send the red one to California, the black one to Chicago, and the big one to Dallas."

The attendant blinks and replies, "But sir! We simply can't do that!"

The guy retorts his "why not" in a cynical manner.

"Sir, your flight is to Miami, Florida and you're leaving from JFK. There's just no possible way we can send your bags going on the same plane to your destination to all those different places; it's just not possible."

"WELL YOU DID IT THE LAST TIME!!"
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Genetic God
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I just made this joke:

A font tries to hit on a girl at a party.
Girl: "Hey, I'm NOT your type!"

:D
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Genetic God
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A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
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Genetic God
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A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for something else." "Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, "So, do you want that road two lanes or four?
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Wife and Husband : Effects of Upgrading

Quote:
 
Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BatchelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

Thanks, "A Troubled User"

Quote:
 
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! !

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support ...




BONUS
Quote:
 
Dear Troubled User,

In view of the increasing number of appeals for help with regards to troubles caused by using the nagging programme Wife 1.0, the Tech Support Team managed to source 2 softwares that claimed to get rid of your problem once and for all. The only setback is that these are not freeware and in our opinion a tad too costly.

Murder 1.0.1 can be messy to install by yourself so it's better to let the third party do it for you.

Hitman pro 3.8 is more straight forward, pay up, give a photoshot of the programme you want to get rid off and it will run itself in the background.

Use them at your own risk and remember, there is a price to pay.

Good luck.

Tech Support Team.
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Genetic God
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From a pun book:

What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're so pointless.

I heard two peanuts walked into a park...
One was as-salted.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, and its impossible to put down.
Edited by Genetic God, Mar 11 2014, 05:45 PM.
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