Chief of Staff
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- January 9, 2006
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you PISSED on my floorDate: 2007-05-07, 1:23AM EDT so I know things weren't going well. I tried to break up nicely a lot of times. I really didn't want to hurt you, but neither of us were happy. We were both miserable infact. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It would have been lovely if we had both fallen madly and passionately in love- but we didn't. it needed to end. all of that, however doesn't explain why YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR and then you left. I called to see if you had somehow slipped. I was hoping there was an explanation. You hung up on me. I'm pretty sure that means you deliberately PISSED ON MY FLOOR i don't even know what to say to that. I don't know what to think. I'm not sure I can protect your dignity anymore. I need to tell everyone, because it's so fucking crazy. YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR. I have a new rule in my apartment now. Its the NO PISSING ON THE FLOOR RULE. it goes like this- DON'T PISS ON MY FUCKING FLOOR. thanks for a good laugh though. It's so much better than the cliche shit that ends way too many relationships. I"m sure the next time I break up with someone, I'll be saying AT LEAST HE DIDN"T PISS ON MY FLOOR. Location: not in the toilet it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 325829361 http://sfbay.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/325829361.html
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Let us frolic in my totally dope blanket fortDate: 2007-03-09, 10:31AM CST Yes, I know what you’re saying, “dude, that blanket fort sucks.” That would not be the first time I’ve heard such short-sighted criticism. Its structural integrity is dubious at best and there isn’t a whole lot of headroom. But c’mon, it’s not like I’m a freakin’ architect or anything. Besides, this little baby is just a prototype. I have vast resources of cushions for anchoring and blankets in order to maximize square footage. My living room is just waiting to be turned into a totally sweet labyrinth of love. I am very open to suggestions in respect to design and construction, as I’d like this fort to be a shared vision. Much like the Taj Mahal, its intended that this little beauty will be inspired by a very special lady. Once our shelter is erected, we can move in and work on some of our higher order needs. Or we could just order a pizza and tell ghost stories. Please email me with a picture if you want to be invited to this living room party. It will be sweet. PS: I’m allowed to have sleepovers.  Location: living room it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 291079504 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/291079504.html
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Haunted toasterDate: 2005-06-28, 1:48AM CDT Free white toaster that I think is haunted. My husband got it when his friend died, and I think his friend decided to hang around. His friend doesn't really like me, and likes to burn the toast. I got a new toaster, so I want to get rid of this one. If nobody wants it, though, I'm going to drop it off the roof. PostingID: 81332007 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/81332007.html
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my casual encounters experienceDate: 2007-12-17, 1:00AM EST OMG, I can't believe I'm posting in CE. I need to feel a man's body against mine. I'm feeling adventurous. I can sit in the comfort of my own apartment, in my decidedly not sexy saggy-ass pajamas, and pick a hot young stud to come over and sex me up. Hooray for the internet, thank you Craig, let's get it on. 268 emails in the course of 24 hours. WHOA. There's the guy who asked if I can wear rainboots while we get it on (???), the guy who is old enough to be my dad and sent me a picture of himself in leather assless chaps (I double-checked to make sure I didn't post in M4M by accident after that), and the desperate 19 year-old who is a virgin but thinks I'd be "perfect" for his first time. I am re-thinking my decision not to go to the bars this weekend. No no, I must be strong, keep the faith. I feel that dick is not far away, I must persist. I pick you. You look relatively normal. Your email was funny, not too long, not generic. I toss my fate into the wind and see where it will take me. We exchange pictures. I wonder if that picture of your dick was taken at that angle to make it look bigger? Hmm. Yeah, that picture of me? Well, I sifted through the 200 most recent photos of me and picked the most flattering one. Heh. We meet up. You look about 5 years older than you do in your picture. That's okay, because I weigh about 10 pounds more now than I did in that picture I sent. But hey, guess what? I'm wearing sexy lingerie. And you're a man, with a penis, I've already screened you, spent two days trading witty emails back and forth with you, and goddammit, I'm gonna fuck you. That's just how it is. I'm too horny to go back now. After a couple of drinks, it's clear that it's time to do something next. Because it's not polite to tell someone you want their dick inside of you as soon as possible, when you suggest we head to dinner, I agree. This feels like a date. I didn't want a date. I want sex. Okay, pseudo-date continues. Fine. I still want your dick in me, as soon as possible. We head back to my place. FINALLY. We make out for a little bit. Did you forget to shave this morning? That "soul patch" you have? First of all, it's really circa 1992. Secondly, it's giving me stubble-burn. I'm going to have a stupid-ass looking soul patch stubble burn mark tomorrow. Fuck. I keep kissing you because like I said, I want your dick inside of me as soon as possible. Ha ha, you're wearing "Vote for Pedro" boxers. I forgive you for the soul patch. Actually, I think "Pedro" might be voting for me right now :) Okay, this isn't going so bad. You ask if I want some oral. UH, HELLO? WTF are you asking that for? Did I or did I not post in casual encounters? No actually, I don't like orgasms. Tongues should only be used for useful things, like ice cream and tying knots in cherry stems. Oh crap. Now I understand why you asked. You have NO IDEA what you are doing. You plunge in face first, like my special lady bits are a snorkling mask, and if you don't get as much of your face in there as possible you just might die of hypoxia. Now, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I will need my vagina back in good working order later. Thank you. That's enough. You slip on a condom, and start the old "hump and grunt." You hump. You grunt. I'm not sure, but my bed might have just become a time machine, and I think we're back in 1998, because this is how boys fucked in high school. How old are you again? I start thinking about going to the store tomorrow. I think I'm out of cereal. Should I get some more of those pasta things? Maybe I'll try the pesto kind this time. The hump and grunt continues. What? You're about to cum? That's nice. Thanks for letting me know. Go right ahead. I'm glad at least you had fun. You pass out afterwards, and start to snore. I lie there, thinking. I'm totaling up my investment on this little CE situation we have going here: box of condoms, the good kind: $13 sexy new sweater that I wore: $39 cost of the load of laundry that I will do tomorrow, after your hairy ass gets out of my bed: $3.50 ... and, the non-monetary yet incredibly important contribution of my time, which could have been better spent, oh, I don't know, washing my hair or prepping my tax return: roughly 7 hours (three hours of email + four hours of pseudo date + bad sex) .....Learning why I should stop browsing casual encounters and just use my vibrator instead: PRICELESS. Location: an economic analysis it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 511664762 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/511664762.html
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Space Ship for Sale $3500.00 or best offerDate: 2008-02-18, 3:09PM MST This space ship is in excellent condition! Only 300 million Intergalactic miles, 4 passenger, no meteor dents, possibly needs reactor seals and recharged flux capacitor, 1 owner. Still have the original owners manual. Does have a wobble issue at Mach 12 but clears once it hits 15 not sure what that is but I lose the GPS screen for about a minute or so. Complete with bubble glass windows! Never crashed! For sale $3500 OBO. Clear title in hand, cash sale only, no trades and I won't take payments. Once it leaves the earth, I know you are not coming back so why would I??? DUH! It needs some TLC like an alignment and new landing sensors. Stored in a secure warehouse in Phx. Must sell City of Phx pressuring me, they say it's an eye sore?? It's on my front lawn and it's burnt the grass last year when it was running, I have the re entry burners turned up to kill the termites and scorpions when landing.  Location: Glendale it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 578467547 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/578467547.html
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Large Glass Jar (possibly containing a ghost)Date: 2007-12-09, 11:18PM EST I picked up this Jar at my uncles estate sale. It's believed to contain a ghost! possibly of George Harrison. If you're in to ghosts and other super natural phenomenon, or are a Beatles fan, this is the item for you.  it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 504298183 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/504298183.html
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Trying to have a missed connection - m4wDate: 2005-06-03, 3:20PM CDT I must confess to all of you. I have become a little obsessed with the Missed Connections section of Craigslist. There is just something so compelling about the concept. All over the city, people are almost meeting. Think of all the wonderful relationships that almost are every single day. All the unhealthy or abusive relationships that are avoided. It’s almost poetic. And every day I return here, looking for . . . I don’t know what. Me? Do I hope to spot myself? Or someone I know? Or maybe to hear a story – someone who actually met their missed connection. In my head someone sees a description of themselves on Craigslist (‘Wait, I was that barista’ or ‘Hey, I was shopping at that Dominic’s at 6PM last night’). Tentatively, that person sends an email to the anonymous address. Details are compared, pictures are exchanged. The two flirt over email, bemused by how needle-in-a-haystack the odds of having found each other again are. They meet at Starbucks for coffee. Yes, of course they go to Starbucks. Coffee leads to dinner which leads to a fiery affair. Days of laughter and nights of passionate sex. As the days drag on, though, the two discover little things about each other that annoy. He wears his dirty shoes on her new carpet. She’s never on time. And the little things were just the beginning. Suddenly issues arise over family and race and the two aren’t having sex, like, ever. Before you know it, the relationship is over. What can I say, sometimes the glass is half empty. And sometimes the half-empty glass is more interesting. But, I digress. The reason I am writing is about my own quest for a missed connection. Put simply, I want, and please notice my effort to establish my credibility by displaying my familiarity with Craigslist parlance, an MC. So I started hanging out at what appear to be the most likely places one might have an MC. Starbucks, of course. But my barista barely notices me in the morning and everyone else seems too busy ordering their half-caf double skim no-whip whatevers to even notice me, let alone indulge in some lingering eye contact. The El platform seemed promising, especially given the fact that I get on in the heart of Lincoln Park, but everyone is reading. I made the Lincoln Park/Lakeview/Wrigleville bar circuit, and while I met some interesting women, it doesn’t seem to count as a “missed” connection when you end up with a phone number. I walked down Michigan Ave. There I did make eye contact with a very attractive woman. Our eyes lingered as I approached her. Could this be it? But then she said, “stop staring,” and so I don’t that that counts. I shop at Whole Foods and Dominics and Jewel and have never once almost met someone in the frozen foods section. I don’t belong to Bally’s, so I guess I could try that, but to be honest I kinda like the gym I’m at. So, anyway, if you’d like to be my missed connection, drop me a line. Maybe we could arrange to be at opposite sides of an El platform at a certain time or something. At this point I’m willing to try anything. PostingID: 76846239 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/76846239.html
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No taxation without representationDate: 2008-04-11, 10:33PM EDT "No taxation without representation" What do I get for my federal taxes? Our public schools are failing, Social Security is insolvent, Medicare & Medicaid are run by a corrupt government that uses taxpayer money to overpay the corporations that run it. Our military is in shambles, our economy is on the brink of complete collapse and all our leaders can think of to do in order to solve the problem is to use our tax dollars to bail out the mistakes of corporations while Americans end up homeless and broke. And stuck with the bill. Do people understand how much money we have spent in Iraq? Seriously really, get a grip and really GET how much money has gone down the hole? And even if they do, do they realize that the Iraq bill, from a dollar perspective, HASN'T COME DUE YET??? The shit going on with the economy right now has NOTHING to do with the THREE FUCKING TRILLION DOLLARS that this clusterfuck in Iraq will eventually cost us. $3,000,000,000,000 / 300,000,000 = $10,000/ea. That means that RIGHT NOW, without ANY interest, each and every American in this country is in for $10 fucking K. On top of our current federal and state income tax burden. Now, I pay for electricity. I pay for internet. I pay for television and I pay for my phone. The tax I pay at the pump covers most of the cash either state or federal government spend on shit like road repairs, but whatever. I pay for the gas to heat my home and cook my food. I pay a shitload at the hospital and even pay tax on some of that shit. I pay sales tax. I even pay retail tax, even though the corporations pass ALL their taxes on to me when I buy their shit. So what the fuck do I get? A military that is now broken. An infrastructure that is crumbling. A justice system that favors their own, the rich and the politicians, and if to add insult to injury, herd me like a fucking piece of cattle and actually go out of their way to find a reason to make me pay them for some bullshit slight. So what the hell is a rational guy supposed to do? What did our forefathers do, when faced with this kind of bogus farce of representation, when bullied into paying for something they don't even want or need? When a man with a checkbook has greater sway than a million voices, OR EVEN ONE FUCKING VOICE, then hasn't our grievance become that of the founders of this country? Location: The People it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 639254501 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/639254501.html
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Rant: Person with a wooden leg that lives above me.Date: 2008-04-22, 8:58PM CDT I have no idea who you are. I do not know if you’re male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg. It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims. First of all, if you aren’t a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. Now I’ve lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind. At first I thought it might be sex. You know, the old headboard pounding the wall. I would be impressed if that were the case, but I doubt that. The noise moves when you move, so it can’t be the headboard. If it were, then I would REALLY be impressed. Hell, you even knocked the light fixture off of the ceiling in my foyer after some intense peg-leg floor pounding. I was picking glass out of my feet for a few weeks after that! Not bad for what could potentially be some afternoon delight. The reason I don’t believe you are getting laid is because the noise occurs quite literally at ALL hours of the day. 4AM? You bet. 4PM? Sure shit. 1AM? Of course. 2:47PM? Why not? If I were able to link the noise to a certain time pattern or a certain location, I could be more certain it might be sex, say on a bed with wheels that moves freely about your place with each thrust. (As I type this now, you’re making some pretty loud bumps and booms). Maybe you are just a really aggressive masturbator? Lastly, I haven’t seen a single couple enter this building to confirm that fact that someone might be getting laid. I’ve tried to describe the noise you create to many people saying “It quite literally sounds like an overweight pirate with one peg leg pacing back and forth” only to get strange looks in return…as you can imagine. Skeptical as they may be, their hesitations in believing my claims were put to rest as soon as they visited my apartment. One by one my friends, as well as some family, visited my place all to confirm the noises I reported were indeed, real. Each of them spent a few minutes speculating about what the noise could potentially be. Honestly, the only thing we have all deduced is that you aren’t having sex. This is undoubtedly, an unfortunate conclusion on your part. Perhaps you are trying to teach yourself how to walk with stilts and you are trying to master the art one leg at a time before attempting both stilts at once. Maybe you’re practicing for the Olympics in Chicago in 2016 and have set up some uneven bars and are trying desperately to stick the landing. Whatever you’re doing, could you please ease up? I do not enjoy replacing all of my picture frames that have either fallen off my walls or from my shelves. Nor do I enjoy being awaken at all hours of the night only to have to wonder what it is you’re really doing up there, whether they be innocent or slightly sexually deviant. My alarm goes off before 6AM due to having one of those job things so a good nights sleep is important. Thanks in advance and if you really are an obese pirate, please don’t break into my apartment and steal my booty…or my food. it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 652643356 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/652643356.html
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Things I'd like to tell students that would probably get me fired.Date: 2004-09-10, 10:15PM PDT You’re not nearly as cool as you think. Class clowns were funny in high school, but not now. If you miss class, don’t ask me if anything important happened. Lecture happened. If you didn’t want to go – your money, your grade. What do you expect anyways? That I’m going to answer, “Yes, actually, on the one day you missed I decided to give a pop quiz that counts for 50% of your grade. Oh yeah, and then we discussed the answers to the final and then I gave everybody cookies. Too bad you missed it.” I don’t really like it when I see you guys in the bathroom. I’m always afraid I’ll fart or something, and then it’ll be around the department and I’ll get some lame nickname like Dr. Farts. On a similar topic, how do you know when I fart in my office? Invariably, there’s a knock on my door immediately afterwards, and I have to answer it while trying to position my body for maximal obstruction of air. And, it’s kind of a catch 22. It’s not like I can go to the bathroom and fart, because of the above issue. I’m a better liar than you. It’s because I’m really smart. When I was an undergrad, I got out of all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. Deaths in the family, tears on command, cars breaking down, feigning symptoms of depression, you name it, I used it. I know when you’re trying to bullshit me. Don’t try. And while I’m very sympathetic if it’s legitimate, I’m a bitch if you lie to me. I’m also a good writer. And the thing is, good writers notice writing style. If you try to plagiarize, I will be able to tell. And, I will give you hell for it and I will report you and you will be sorry because I will make you re-write the paper and take an ethics course to boot. I’m not actually all that good at keeping my mouth shut. Please don’t tell the other faculty what I say, unless it’s good and about them; or it’s something you learned that you thought was really neat that also does not clash with their theoretical viewpoint, because they’re sensitive about that. Please don’t get offended by my jokes. See, they’re funny, only, as it turns out, not to conservative Christians, most Republicans, and ultra feminists. If I’m late for a meeting and rushing out of my office, or if I’m trying to eat lunch in between classes, or if I’m out with friends on a Friday night, I might not be all that keen to answer questions about the upcoming midterm. I might be grouchy. Just so you know. This here’s for the boys. If you’re flunking my class, don’t make sly little suggestions about what you might to do earn an A. You’re flunking my class. Why would I think your performance would be better in any other areas? Incompletes are for students who, for legitimate, documented reasons, couldn't finish the class. If you don't like your grade, you can't take an incomplete. I will do my best to give the first midterm before the drop deadline, and all other midterms before rather than after holidays. If you take the midterm and do badly, and then don't drop the class, and then come back 3 months later and try to play it like you were never in my class and you want me to sign a petition, I won't. If you ask me to sign the petition before the drop deadline, I will happily. If the administration gives you shit about it, I'll cause a ruckus. If I see you out on the town on a weekend night and you want to buy me a drink, you can’t currently be in my classes or ever take any of my classes again. Ever. Then maybe you can buy me a drink. Allright probably. Okay. If you’re out on the town drunk and want to yell at me about your grade, then please don’t ever take any of my classes again. If I set up extra office hours to tutor you, and you don’t show up, I will secretly hate you. Also, I will refuse to set up any other office hours outside of regularly scheduled ones. Oh, and any subsequent emails from me will be cryptic and I’ll wait an extra day to respond. Just because I seem cool doesn’t mean my tests are easy. I tell you all the first day the classes are hard. Here, I am not lying. Believe me. Reading all the material and going to class does not guarantee you an A unless you’re super-duper smart. You actually have to study too. At the beginning of the term, when I say, “I won’t hand you a grade, but I’ll help you work to get the grade you want,” that doesn’t mean that if you flunked all the midterms and you show up the day before the final I can do anything other than feel bad and tell you to get a good night’s sleep. When you tell me, “I’m getting kicked out of college because of the grade I got in your class,” this makes me feel bad, but it also makes me wonder if this is the first bad grade you’ve gotten in college, and what kind of slave driver is supporting you that would cut you off for one bad grade. When you come to office hours week after week because you’re worried about your grade, and you use all the study suggestions that I tell you to, and I really honestly believe that you’re trying hard but you’re still getting a bad grade, I will wish I had the guts to gently tell you that not everyone is meant for college, but I won’t. I will feel bad instead and continue to tutor you. When you ask a stupid question in class I will not repeat the most horrible thing I ever did to a student the first year I was teaching, which was to laugh at a question. However, I do reserve the right to later tell my friends and to laugh then. Sorry, but sometimes I just have to. Your name and any identifying information will not be used. Please ask all the questions you want to in class. Really. I learn from my mistakes. If I see anyone so much as roll an eye, I will pull them aside after class and tell them that’s inappropriate. I’m kind of a talker. I like to tell stories. Please, if you figure this out, do not use it to postpone lecture, and hence, the amount of material you will be responsible for. Please vote. And when you do, consider what cuts in educational funding do to your tuition. They are not unrelated. If you work for me on a project, and you do a good job, I will write you a kick-ass letter of recommendation. If you work for me and do a lousy job, I will writer a letter that, while not direct, will let the program you are applying for know what kind of a student you are, and I will show you this letter before I send it because I will feel guilty. Remember that things like, “She was often on time,” or, “From my conversations with him, it is clear that he very much wants to go to graduate school,” are not really compliments. And, please, if you like my class, if you feel that it changed the way you think, if you learned a lot, if you were challenged, please tell me. In this age of limited resources and time, that’s what keeps me going. I love teaching, and I’m clearly not in it for the money. All this above is just my bitch-session to get it out of my system before school starts. Almost always, I only hear from people who are angry at me. Tell me if you got something out of my class. I really really need it sometimes. Actually, the last item goes for all your teachers. PostingID: 42105113 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/42105113.html
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Autographed Copy of Plato's RepublicDate: 2008-07-09, 11:00AM CDT 1st edition of The Republic signed by its author. There is of course a reasonable amount of wear and tear, (light highlighting and underlining, dog-eared pages, back cover missing, etc.), but it is in overall good condition considering its age. First come first serve Location: chicago loop it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 748263604 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/748263604.html
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WARNING!!!Fecha: 2004-07-01, 2:15PM PDT Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! ID del anuncio: 35274458 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html
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INTELLIGENT, cultured, 22y/o wm seeking Asian women (pref. Nihonese)Date: 2008-10-16, 3:29AM EDT Hello ladies of the internet! I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I've come to realise exactly what I'm looking for in my ideal woman. Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the 'even. As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior). You MUST fulfill the following requirements: - Asian - Woman - Aged NO MORE THAN 23 - - and NO LESS THAN 16 - Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs. - - but no 'Paris Hilton' bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them. - Like sushi, animé, and video games. BONUSES include: - Japanese heritage - Large collection of animé and manga - Glasses - Interest in cosplay and roleplaying - Traditional Ladies' education I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.  Location: Toronto it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 881177993 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/881177993.html
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Survival Of The FittestDate: 2007-08-30, 2:03PM EDT Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one. it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 409930561 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tpa/409930561.html
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seeking a roommateDate: 2007-11-24, 8:57PM PST Hello, I am seeking out a roommate. I've had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find "the perfect housemate." I think it can be done! 1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I've realised that life is much better when it's shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It's just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I'm no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn't make much sense to mix business and pleasure.) 2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I'd need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I'd prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs' possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged. 3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it's inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you'll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.) Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine! I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irriate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can't handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you'd like to share lyrics, I'd be more than delighted to oblige!) If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you'd like to avoid, by all means let me know and I'll do you the same honour.) You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it's filthy teeth. (Believe me, I've had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.) If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you'd like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots. I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved. I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks. You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time. No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?) This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me. I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE. No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only! You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies! That's the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests. If you are interested, please email me the following information: 1. Name 2. Occupation 3. Age 4. Allergies 5. Favourite author Cheers! it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 488537774 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/488537774.html
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So you've decided to take a shit on the sidewalkDate: 2004-12-14, 10:48AM PST Thanks for deciding to defecate on the sidewalk! By now you've been up for 3 days, and despite wandering around within a half block radius of a public toilet for the entirety of this time, you have chosen the middle of the sidewalk as the best place to move your bowels. Let me be the first to share my gratitude for choosing my neighborhood. Now there are a few things you might want to keep in mind before the shit starts flowing: 1) Despite the similarity between rain and a toilet (i.e. the presence of water), the latter is far less effective than the former in actually removing solid human waste from the area it was deposited. If it is raining, your shit will only be spread around a small area. It will still be on the sidewalk, and more difficult for pedestrians to avoid. It might be better to choose an area such as the small patch of dirt surrounding trees. Or right next to a dumpster. Or anywhere besides the middle of the fucking sidewalk. 2) Using the most recent Safeway circular as toilet paper is a fabulously creative idea! However leaving said newsprint next to your pile of shit, complete with skidmarks, is less than courteous. Depositing your cornhole rag in the garbage can that is 6 feet away will help keep everyone else from vomiting on our way to work. 3) Not eveyone is happy to see someone shitting on the sidewalk. Therefore, discretion is helpful. Rolling around on the ground, moaning, with your ass still hanging 2/3 the way out of your pants and a freshly deposited log closeby might raise suspicions. Try staggering your debilitating drug binge and sidewalk shitting such that you can quickly move away from your "gift" to the neighborhood once its journey through your digestive system is complete. Keep these tips in mind, and you will be well on your way to successfully crapping on sidewalks everywehere. [ASIDE - just so there is no confusion, I am not targeting dogs who shit on the sidewalk. While this act is repulsive as well, their owners are the ones responsible. I am only speaking to the human sidewalk shitters. After a few encounters, the differences between dog and person shit are regretfully obvious] this is in or around the MISSION PostingID: 52325794 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/52325794.html
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HENCHMEN NEEDEDDate: 2008-08-05, 2:34PM BST 20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme. Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc). Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants: -interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar) -unwavering loyalty -being a corruptible government official -ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety) -grudge against any well-known vigilante -flexible moral code Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome. Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV. Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career! - Jacque (The Zapper) Zerapi Location: London, but planned worldwide expansion Compensation: £20,000pa starting salary, with added commissions based around success of supervillain operations. Contracts negotiable depending on applicant's personal skills/powers. Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. PostingID: 783766933 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/783766933.html
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Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday partyDate: 2008-08-26, 3:22PM CDT We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn't even need to socialize with anyone, just drink. the birthday is on Friday, Sept. 5th in Bucktown. Oh, did I mention that the clown needs to get shitfaced. Don't worry, we will purchase all the drinks. it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests Compensation: We will pay per hour and cover all the drinks PostingID: 814181712 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/814181712.html
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FREE INDUSTRIAL SIZED WOODEN SPOOLDate: 2008-05-05, 10:01AM EDT I have a large spool i would like removed from my property. I no longer have any need for said spool due to coming home from work several hours early and finding my wife on top of said spool with another man. If you have any need for this spool email me and I will send you the address for the spool. You may come pick up the spool at any time. No questions asked. No need to call ahead. No need to dress up or clean your truck up because it will only be you and the spools out there. You pull up, load the spool, and leave. The spool in question is marked with a red X. You may only take this spool. I want to keep the rest of them.  Location: Dandridge it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 668412417 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/knx/668412417.html
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8x8x16 Cement Block - $1Date: 2007-08-12, 6:24PM EDT I have approximately 275 to 300 cinder blocks for sale. They are standard 8"x8"x16". They cost about $1.75 plus delivery fees if you buy them somewhere else. I'm asking $1.00 per block. You pick them up and move them yourself. Please don't waste my fucking time with endless emails. These are plain old cinderblocks, for fuck sake. You don't need to do an engineering study on the feasibility of using these fucking things as building material. That's what they're for, you fucking idiots. Now listen, we're all busy people here. You want the blocks? Come get the fucking blocks and give me one dollar for every block you take. How fucking hard is that? You don't have to tell me what you're building. I don't give a fuck. I'm not interested in helping you build it either. Why? Because I don't give a fuck. I just want to get these fucking things off my property. So if you want them, get the fuck over here with some money and take them. The next fucking moron that emails me with "I'm building a blah blah blah, and was wondering if..." The answer is NO. Come get the fucking blocks and build it yourself. If I knew how to do masonry, don't you think I'd be using the blocks myself instead of selling them for half fucking price? What the fuck is wrong with you people? The next one of you fucking jackasses that emails me with some sob-story bullshit is getting his email address added to the North American Man/Boy Love Association mailing list. You want the blocks? Come get the blocks, and don't fuck with me! http://richmond.craigslist.org/mat/395453329.html
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