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Quick Jokes
Topic Started: Tuesday Oct 7 2008, 01:43 PM (2,171 Views)
King Hiss
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I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds
to get out!' The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cunt !'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are women like clouds? Eventually they fuck off then its a really nice
day
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check
her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlecocks.
Bad minton!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fucking lucky... Mine's still
alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fuck off, you won't bring it back.'
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TheInfiltraitor
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A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
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In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan
Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead
In the fermenter:Crab Juice
Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss
The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co.
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Mazoo
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King Hiss
Tuesday Oct 7 2008, 01:43 PM
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
:lol2:
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King Hiss
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A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.

'You dirty b*stard!' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I get my husband..'

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off.'

She says, 'You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!'

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

'One more chance,' says the barmaid, 'Now - what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup.'

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

'What's up love?' he asks.

'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says.

'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the Husband.

'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.

'Right. He's dead!' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.

'Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness.
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TheInfiltraitor
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I had a minor medical problem so my doctor referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday. She is absolutely gorgeous and unbelievably sexy.

The first thing she told me is that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why she said, '' Because I'm trying to examine you.......''
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In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan
Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead
In the fermenter:Crab Juice
Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss
The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co.
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King Hiss
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A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee.
Santa says 'What would you like for Christmas?'
The girl says 'I want some hair round my fanny'.
Santa says 'Would a white beard be OK?'

A man goes into Supadrug and asks 'Have you got KY Jelly?'
'No, sorry', says the assistant, 'have you tried Boots?'
The man replies 'I wanted to slide it in, not fucking march it in!'

A man goes down on a woman and says 'Fuck, that stinks!'
The woman says 'It's my arthritis'.
He says 'What, in your c**t?'
She says 'No, in my shoulder, I can't wipe my arse'.

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire.
The fireman asks 'how do we get there?'
'HELLOO!' she replies, 'In the fucking big red truck!'

A tramp walks into a jewellers and casually begins to finger his own arse.
The jeweller screams 'GET OUT'
The tramp points to the sign 'COME IN AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT!'

Teacher to class 'What does your dad do at weekends?'
Little Johnny 'He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right, he lets punters bang his arse and let them come in his mouth'.
Teacher pulls him to one side and says 'Johnny, is that true?'
'No Miss, he goes to watch Carlton but I'm too embarrassed to say that'.

A Jewish boy was born with no eyelids.
Doctors are going to operate using old foreskins, but his mum's worried he might turn out cock-eyed.

A lesbian goes to the doctors and the doctor says 'that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen'.
'Thank you' says the lesbian. 'I have a woman in twice a week!'

Why do women have orgasms?
So that they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves.

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank, do you think:
a. You need more time together
b. She's a fucking prude
c. She should have sat somewhere else on the bus.

A pregnant Irish girl phones home.
'Mam oi tink me waters have broke'.
'Oh me holy Jaysus where are ya ringing from?'
'Oim ringing from me minge to me ankles'.

A man comes home from the pub very late and very drunk.
His wife says 'OK smartarse, explain the lipstick on your shirt'.
'Fcukin easy', he said. 'I used my shirt to wipe my cock'.

Kylie, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.
Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.
Robbie pulls her knickers down and fucks her senseless.
He turns to Elton, says 'your turn' but Elton starts crying.
'What's wrong', asks Robbie?
Elton sobs and says 'my head won't fit in the railings'.

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% said 'the 10 minutes of silence.'
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TheInfiltraitor
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan
Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead
In the fermenter:Crab Juice
Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss
The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co.
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King Hiss
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Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad
looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with
his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon'.

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look
horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your
eyesight is perfect.

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty Face or my
sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans
over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies,
'Put a new battery in your hearing aid'.
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Cerberus1880
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King Hiss
Tuesday Oct 7 2008, 01:51 PM
A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% said 'the 10 minutes of silence.'
So 0.1 of a person liked something else? :P
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TheInfiltraitor
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Q. Two Shire guys jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Shire girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a Shire boy in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Shire guy cross the road?
A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a Shire girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from the Shire on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a the Shire quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Shire blokes in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. What do you say to a Shire person with a job?
A. A Big Mac please.

Q. What's the difference between a Shire boy and a
Shire girl?
A. A Shire girl has a higher sperm count.


Only I may make these jokes as I am a shire resident.
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In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan
Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead
In the fermenter:Crab Juice
Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss
The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co.
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Cerberus1880
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I didnt know you were a Hobbit... :P
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TheInfiltraitor
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yep, Frodo is my homeboy.
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In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan
Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead
In the fermenter:Crab Juice
Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss
The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co.
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Kenji Urban
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broken.
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Quote:
 
Q. Two Shire guys jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Shire girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a Shire boy in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Shire guy cross the road?
A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a Shire girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from the Shire on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a the Shire quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Shire blokes in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. What do you say to a Shire person with a job?
A. A Big Mac please.

Q. What's the difference between a Shire boy and a
Shire girl?
A. A Shire girl has a higher sperm count.


SO FUCKING TRUE. so funny. I'll actually use some of those the next time i throw down with a gang of 16yo bitches roaming my suburb @5am breaking bottles and damaging cars..

god damn they are deadly, and i can't WAIT to use em.
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wilchelus
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It's like, how much more black can you get? ...and the answer is none. None more black.
not on monday|www.notonmonday.com | my photographic blog - updated daily
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Mazoo
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LOL Spinal Tap
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NecrisTEWQ
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The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."



A young man in a drug store asks the pharmacist for condoms. "They come in packets of 3, 6 or 12," responds the pharmacist, "How many do you need?"
"Well" muses the young man, "I`ve known this wonderful girl for 7 months. Tonight I`m meeting Her parents for the first time, then we`re off to an all-night party. So I think tonight`s the night. And, once she gets it, I know she`ll want more. Better give me a dozen!" Having made His purchase, the fellow drives home, dresses for dinner and arrives at His girlfriend`s house.
At dinner, he is asked to offer the blessing. He prays - and prays - and prays - and prays. Finally, His girlfriend leans over and says "You never told me you were so religious!"
He answered her, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"

One day, Paul complained to his friend, "You know, my elbow is killing me. I guess I should see a doctor."

"Don't do that!" said his friend. "There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply feed the computer a sample of your urine and it will diagnose your problem for only bucks."

Paul figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and walked to the drug store. Then, he poured the urine sample into the computer and deposited bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Paul began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his pet dog, and urine samples from both his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the mix.

The next day, Paul returned to drug store and poured the sample into the computer. Next, he deposited bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

'Your tap water is too hard... get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm... bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine... put her in a rehab clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls and they aren't yours... get a lawyer. And, if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.'

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

---

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
DISCLAIMER:Don't like what i say? Suck it up Princess
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TheInfiltraitor
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Why men should NOT write advice columns...

Dear Terry,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV.. I hadn't driven more than a mile
down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I
walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am
32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says
he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very
much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to
him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

------ -----

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, Terry
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In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan
Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead
In the fermenter:Crab Juice
Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss
The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co.
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SSBLITZ BLACK
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LOL!!
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TheInfiltraitor
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office!

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....



****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...



****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at

a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....



****

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other

driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and

little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....



****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....



****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me

a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started....
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In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan
Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead
In the fermenter:Crab Juice
Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss
The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co.
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ASTROTRAIN
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GUY SAYS TO HIS WIFE:
"Darling, what would you do if i said i've won the lottery?"

Wife replies:

"I'd take half then leave you."

guy says


"Excellent! I had three numbers and won a tenner. Here's a fiver- now fuck off!"
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-Adapt or Die-
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