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| Tweet Topic Started: Tuesday Oct 7 2008, 01:43 PM (2,170 Views) | |
| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Mar 2 2009, 09:13 AM Post #21 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's your name?' she asked. He said, "Beercunt." |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Mar 2 2009, 12:04 PM Post #22 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.' 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'. The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same . 2. There are no dental records. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute..' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun? What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'OOPS' While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| TheInfiltraitor | Monday Mar 2 2009, 01:58 PM Post #23 |
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OSG Ambassador of Awesome
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A woman had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. One is engaged however, the other is a mistress, and of course the first married for 10+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their partners by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild s ex all night. Married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?" |
![]() In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead In the fermenter:Crab Juice Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co. | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Mar 2 2009, 02:37 PM Post #24 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 4 2009, 09:42 AM Post #25 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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PUN INTENDED 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head." 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass." 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet." 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects. 25. Orsm cooks carrots and pees in the same pot. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 4 2009, 04:27 PM Post #26 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at se x.' The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the se x machine that he thought he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his p ants, rip ped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 4 2009, 04:31 PM Post #27 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?!" "No, what?" replied the man. "He just ate the cue ball off my table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey just did?", he asks. "No, what?", replies the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!", said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the man. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first." |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Thursday Mar 5 2009, 09:42 AM Post #28 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red.......................Cherry Yellow..................Lemon Green...................Lime Orange................ Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Thursday Mar 5 2009, 03:05 PM Post #29 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller And without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 6 2009, 12:05 PM Post #30 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Dr Alan had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say 'Alan don't worry about it, you aren't the first Doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last, and you're single, just let it go. But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering:'Alan you're a f**kin vet' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 6 2009, 04:19 PM Post #31 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis. "Sorry," says the taller man. "I'm not g ayy or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!" "Well," says the Leprechaun, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!" The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long." "Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!" "Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!" Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?" Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..." "Imagine that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!" |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 6 2009, 04:19 PM Post #32 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 6 2009, 04:25 PM Post #33 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Ok, i'm starting to feel I mighty be spamming but since i have had no complaints yet i will continue.
Edited by ASTROTRAIN, Friday Mar 6 2009, 04:27 PM.
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[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| Pure Poison 1 | Friday Mar 6 2009, 04:29 PM Post #34 |
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RPG addict
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keep posting them! they make me laugh
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| King Hiss | Friday Mar 6 2009, 04:33 PM Post #35 |
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Administrator
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Yeah, we're laughing silently dude! Spam the crap out of it!
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![]() Pretty Serious Cosmetics - Help support my habit | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 6 2009, 04:39 PM Post #36 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Cool, I will keep going then Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!" |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Mar 9 2009, 09:17 AM Post #37 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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An old cowboy sat down at the Mc Donalds and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." __________________ |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Mar 9 2009, 09:42 AM Post #38 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Three Women, Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen, Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. One Young Woman Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped. The Others Looked At Her Questioningly."that Was My Pager," She Said. I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm. A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Second Young Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand." The Older Woman Felt Very Low Tech. Not To Be Out Done, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Rear End. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her.. The Older Woman Finally Said......... Well, Will You Look At That... I'm Getting A Fax!!! |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Mar 9 2009, 02:14 PM Post #39 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work." The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!" |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Mar 9 2009, 02:36 PM Post #40 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? If : A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then : H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% And, B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. And look how far this will take you...... A S S K I S S I N G 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% ... and have a nice day at work!!! |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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Spam the crap out of it!


1:24 AM Jul 12