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Quick Jokes
Topic Started: Tuesday Oct 7 2008, 01:43 PM (2,169 Views)
ASTROTRAIN
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Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Rooster and cat are walking over a bridge, cat slips, falls into the river, rooster starts laughin. Whats the moral? "where theres a wet pussy, theres a happy cock"!
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ASTROTRAIN
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Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your stance is too wide.'
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was f@#king Goofy."
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
Interesting Health Fact



Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus? ?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life. ?

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse
and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
A newly wed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?", the husband asked.

"Shhh" said the bride. "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how 'bout asking, have you left the washing machine door open instead?"

So the following night the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife (who rolled over and fell asleep.)

When she woke however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did by hand."
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

“Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied: “It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.”
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
Lt. Gisbourne, a new Israeli Army Officer was assigned to an outfit in a
remote Middle Eastern desert. During his first inspection of the unit,
he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant
why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
here on the post and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we keep Carol the Camel.

Lt Gisbourne says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about 'urges' so the camel can stay.

About a month later, the Lieutenant starts having his own 'urges.' Crazy
with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring Carol to his tent.

The sergeant holds Carole's bridle and headrope . . . . . Putting a
ladder behind the camel, Gisbourne stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and is wild and insane with the animal.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No not really, sir. They usually just ride her into town. That's where
the girls are".
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmers new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

Back at the bog the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW. He managed to get hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the car the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the car back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented. Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
The ATO decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the
most thorough auditor in the office.
The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor. The
auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a
demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're
on!'
Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand bucks that I can bite my own eye.' The
auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand bucks that I can bite my other
eye.' The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now
realises he has bet and lost three thousand dollars, with Paddy's solicitor
as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six
thousand bucks that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that
rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss
into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This
morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 20
thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -
and that you'd be happy about it.'
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
Two cowboys applied for the job . One was gay and the other a drunk . She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk .

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching . For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well .

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great .. . You should go into town and kick up your heels .. '

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night . One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return . Two o'clock came and still no hired hand . Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him .

She quietly called him over to her . Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said . Trembling, he did as she directed .

'Now take off my boots . ' He did as she asked, ever so slowly .

'Now take off my socks . ' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots .

'Now take off my skirt' . He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light

'Now take off my bra' . Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor .

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired' .
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no Legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#cked?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
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ASTROTRAIN
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Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the damndest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
do it yourself.
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Scott the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Scott revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Scott to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Scott readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Scott would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Scott to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Scott the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Scott worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Scott left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Scott found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Scott couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Scott.

The moral of the story?

Pay your bills.
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ASTROTRAIN
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Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked him to
'take this note to your beautiful Mummy.'

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
To Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'take this to your silly daddy.'

The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Haemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.

Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'the lady in the kitchen.'

The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked her son to take this to 'the poor dude upstairs.'

The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand !
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three
sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of
the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was
lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how
could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to
find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When
he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.

She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if
you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your
parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a
row, I will make everything right."

And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to
satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in
the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened,
and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me
fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why
not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty
times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in
a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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ASTROTRAIN
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Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
X-RATED RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do *@#&*@#&*@#& men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard..

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
In these harsh times we all seem to be looking for ways to stretch our meagre salaries or savings out.

I hope my following suggestions may give some ideas how to best manage in these dark days:

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to St Vinnies, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together a potato.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house afterwards.
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DJBigK
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[ *  *  * ]
SEADS

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ASTROTRAIN
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Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
''Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says:
'Because I'm the f#cking goalie'
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ASTROTRAIN
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[ *  *  * ]
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her '...And where do you think you're going?'

She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark
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