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| Quick Jokes | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Tuesday Oct 7 2008, 01:43 PM (2,168 Views) | |
| ASTROTRAIN | Tuesday Mar 17 2009, 02:22 PM Post #61 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Tuesday Mar 17 2009, 02:25 PM Post #62 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer ' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. If you fall victim to this ' Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Tuesday Mar 17 2009, 02:26 PM Post #63 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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One Monday morning the postman is riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman said. " Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.' The postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I ?' 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times.... |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Tuesday Mar 17 2009, 02:36 PM Post #64 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball.' Man: 'That's nice' Boy: 'Want to buy it?' Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' Man: 'OK, how much?' Boy: '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: 'Dark in here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' Boy: '$750' Man: 'Sold.' A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 18 2009, 10:09 AM Post #65 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Nebraska . We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 18 2009, 10:21 AM Post #66 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." ################### Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me, pass the parcel was quick!!! ###################### When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me ################## Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'" ############## I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?" ################ My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies. ############## I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!" |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| King Hiss | Wednesday Mar 18 2009, 12:40 PM Post #67 |
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Administrator
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Astro, you have one awesome stash of jokes. I plow through our company mail blocker searching for quality material and only ever find the same old jokes sent hundreds of times. So this lot is better than everything my company deems too dirty to accept. Quality. |
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| TheInfiltraitor | Wednesday Mar 18 2009, 01:29 PM Post #68 |
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OSG Ambassador of Awesome
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Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best! feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! ! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand - Jerky in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND...... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you |
![]() In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead In the fermenter:Crab Juice Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co. | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 18 2009, 01:53 PM Post #69 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Thanks Hiss The company I work for does not have a mail blocker so I get 5-15 joke emails a day. Most are pretty far out and i dont dare post them up. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 18 2009, 02:06 PM Post #70 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.' The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 18 2009, 02:07 PM Post #71 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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WOMAN'S DIARY 25th Oct 2008 Saturday Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - MAN'S DIARY: Saturday 25 Oct Australia lost the cricket. Gutted. Got a root though. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 18 2009, 02:21 PM Post #72 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU' First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two Destination - Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited; Me and Tim a huntin' went Met three whores in a pop up tent They were three, and we was two So I bucked one, and timbuktu. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Wednesday Mar 18 2009, 04:30 PM Post #73 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Mexican words of the day 1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat. 2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom. 3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder. 4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at! 5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes. 6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer! 7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum! 8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself. 9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair 10. *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing. 11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me. 12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop. 13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids. 14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly? |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Thursday Mar 19 2009, 11:31 AM Post #74 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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MAN TEST 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot. 2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a *@#&*@#&*@#&lord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte' If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too. 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're *@#&*@#&*@#&. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Thursday Mar 19 2009, 11:39 AM Post #75 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole." |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Thursday Mar 19 2009, 11:46 AM Post #76 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Thursday Mar 19 2009, 11:58 AM Post #77 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 20 2009, 01:04 PM Post #78 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A SHORT LOVE STORY A man and a woman who had never met before,and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married..' 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own *@#&*@#&*@#&*@#&ing blanket.' After a moment or two of silence, he farted. The End |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 20 2009, 01:07 PM Post #79 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade. The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career." |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 20 2009, 01:09 PM Post #80 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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The “meaty bites” diet I’ve got 2 dogs. I bought a large a bag of meaty bites at BigW and was standing in line at the checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had I dog. On Impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the meaty bites diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 25 kgs before I woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with meaty bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the middle of the road licking my arse and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered a out the door Stupid b#tch… why else would I buy dog food?? |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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