Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!

If you are registering with a Hotmail account, be sure to check for our authorisation email in your Junk folder, as that it likely where it will end up.

If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Quick Jokes
Topic Started: Tuesday Oct 7 2008, 01:43 PM (2,167 Views)
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Five surgeons were at a convention discussing who makes the best patients
to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Sydney says, 'I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.'

The second, from Melbourne responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Brisbane says, 'No, I really think librarians are
the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'

The fourth surgeon, from Perth chimes in: 'You know, I like construction
workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left
over.'

But the fifth surgeon from Canberra shut them all up when he observed:
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass
are interchangeable.
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet,
but she didn't want to spend a Fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No More blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,
he was extremely Sceptical and laughed it off! ..
The woman went to bed happy,
thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened
by the noise of pots and pans Flying everywhere,
making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband
and the frog reading Cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!' and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have enough sex, always read forum posts while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Dear Friends

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can no longer drink Corona for fear of the American hating Mexicans pissing in it

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died interstate.

Hell, I might even have enough money left over to send to the Russian girl who can't wait to meet me….If only the airline would stop losing her plane ticket payments….. she'll be here soon I know it!

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the five bucks I found dropped in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhea will sit on your head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber sister SALLY- and it was on Good Morning Australia.
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.


They are both quite startled.



The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.


A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.


He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day

to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.


He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.


His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.


'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.




'My God, Bill, what happened?'



'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked
as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Why Men are Just Happier People!!

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Target.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!!!
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE





(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a
'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
To the citizens of the United States of America

from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


In light of your declining failure to handle your economy and to nominate competent candidates for President and thus to govern yourselves, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective immediately.(if necessary,look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will now resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Utah, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, the same one who is our Prime Minister, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the return of your country to the status of a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will now spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (if necessary,look up 'vocabulary' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
------------------------
2. There is no such thing as U.S. English. English is the language we speak. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will be celebrated as a holiday in order to acknowledge the end of your unsuccessful 250 year experiment in independence.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready yet to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or spending hours with a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse..
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. Using roundabouts while you learn to drive on the left may help you understand the British sense of humour.

----------------------
7. At the same time, all your forms of measurement will go metric with immediate effect. We had to do it 20 years ago and we discovered that it works better than the old imperial system anyway. However because your monetary system is already metric (you got that bit right) you will be permitted to maintain the dollar as your form of currency. We may however decide to brighten up those dull old green and black notes with some exciting new spring colours.
--------------------
8. Speaking of money however you will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been mistakenly calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as (based on their rather small population) they are the greatest sporting nation on earth and this can only be due to something they put in their beer. They are also still a part of the British Commonwealth - see what it has done for them. American beer-type drinks will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that they can be sold without risk of further confusion until you get used to drinking proper beer.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having One's Royal ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing that game that you call American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you (mistakenly) call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)..
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hold an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JR. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed with vinegar not with tomato sauce (which you mistakenly call catsup) .
-------------------
16. Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. Daily with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits ( which you mistakenly refer to as cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in t he woods. A small
tree

Begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a
son

Of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son

Of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies, 'It is neither
a son of

A beech nor a son of a birch.



It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at
the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,
leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in
the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got
it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I
ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma
liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk
by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................



'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
The Jewish Towel:

No matter what Moshe did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.
That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
It doesn't help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife,
And you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice.
They go home, and hire the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel.
The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
'You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!'
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Sue
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Sue agreed
and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Sue's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you
don't......'
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Jack and Billy stumble drunk out of the pub after a long Friday night session. As they hold onto the verandah post Jack notices a Blue Heeler, tied to the back of a ute, sitting in the gutter licking his balls.

Jack nudges Billy in the ribs and says" Hey, I bet you wish you could do that!"

Billy looks at the dog for a minute then looks at Jack. "Nah I reckon I'd rather try to pat him first!"
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Three parrots are for sale. They cost $100, $200 and $15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used tolive in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.

When she gets home the parrot says, "F**k me a new brothel!"
The woman laughs.

Her two daughters come home, andthe parrot says "F**k me new prossies!"
The girls laugh.

The husband comes home and the parrot says "F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks!"
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
King Hiss
Member Avatar
Administrator
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age!


I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, " ...because I'm trying to examine you!"


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?


A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick that big."


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
I mean really, how could anyone stoop so low?

Posted Image
Posted Image
Pretty Serious Cosmetics - Help support my habit
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mazoo
Member Avatar
Insert Awesome Title Here
[ *  *  *  * ]
bwahahaha!! Harry Potter!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chattingabout their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night allthree will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over theireyes ..
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask.
He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night

long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and araincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We justhad wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stayat my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, superstilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,
'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ASTROTRAIN
Member Avatar
Figment of Your Imagination
[ *  *  * ]
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's
the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed (+1)

* You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return
with Beer (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

* It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy
(-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted

the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy

Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, 'It doesn't matter, you have one too.' (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, 'Where?' (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None]Posted Image
-Adapt or Die-
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Join the millions that use us for their forum communities. Create your own forum today.
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · The Funny Page · Next Topic »
Add Reply


Help us get rid of ads and buy cool features!