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| Quick Jokes | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Tuesday Oct 7 2008, 01:43 PM (2,166 Views) | |
| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 27 2009, 11:57 AM Post #101 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 27 2009, 12:35 PM Post #102 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. 'Then little RALPHY says, ' I have a question for YOU. 'There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.'Why?' asks the father?'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.'But that's right!' says his dad.'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'''What's the *@#&*@#&*@#&*@#&in difference?' asks the father.'That's what I said!' LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it. 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just *@#&*@#&*@#&*@#&in beautiful!' LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own *@#&*@#&*@#&*@#&in' business. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 27 2009, 12:50 PM Post #103 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop,searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 27 2009, 12:52 PM Post #104 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A Letter of Complaint: Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 25-kilometer trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Reply To The Letter of Complaint: Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Rebuttal To The Reply To The Letter of Complaint: Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years. Yours truly, A Commuter |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 27 2009, 12:53 PM Post #105 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Q/ Who's the most popular guy at a nudist resort? A/ The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and 6 donuts at once. Q/ Who's the popular female at a nudist resort? A/ The one that can eat the last donut. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 27 2009, 12:58 PM Post #106 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid. __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. __________________________________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? __________________________________________________ _______ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. __________________________________________________ _______ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! __________________________________________________ _______ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? __________________________________________________ _______ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 27 2009, 01:04 PM Post #107 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!” The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”. The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.” Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife . Moral of the story: Women are really a bit dim but think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Friday Mar 27 2009, 01:08 PM Post #108 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| TheInfiltraitor | Friday Mar 27 2009, 01:59 PM Post #109 |
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OSG Ambassador of Awesome
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A drunk is standing behind a woman at the supermarket checkout watching as the cashier scans the goods. The woman notices the drunk looking at her groceries. The drunk then leans over and say “I bet you’re single” The woman wonders how the drunk figured out she was single by looking at her groceries. “How did you figure that out?” she asks. The drunk then leans towards her and whispers in her ear “Because you’re ugly” |
![]() In the kegs: Brownish Bomber - Weizen - Kolsch - Designated Drinker - Balding Sultan Bottles:Awaiting Dark - Balding Sultan - Designated Drinker - Brownish Bomber - Mead In the fermenter:Crab Juice Planned:Amber Ale - Barley Wine - Saison - Berlinner Weiss The Berkshire Hunt Brewing Co. | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Mar 30 2009, 01:41 PM Post #110 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the petstore.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE .. TIME!!!' |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Mar 30 2009, 02:03 PM Post #111 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2009 Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, Teach a person to use the Internet And they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky . Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile When you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, Lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $ 200.00 And a substantial tax cut saves you $ 30.00? Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought For 2009 : We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the US Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration? " Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers . What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow" |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| BrodieOnFire | Monday Mar 30 2009, 06:11 PM Post #112 |
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The Man With Little Comments
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(STAND UP) drinking some coke the other day i was drinking some coke the other day and my girlfriend comes up to me and goes "you know coke is the worst thing for your body" so i replied "what about POISON FUCKHEAD YA THINK THATS PRETTY FUCKING BAD" so she goes " well i might go and get some poison and put it in a coke can" so i said " nah you will probably buy diet poison i aint drinking that shit"
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We Will Never Sleep Cause Sleepings For The Weak No We Will Never Rest Till Were All Fucking Dead - "BMTH" | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Tuesday Mar 31 2009, 09:15 AM Post #113 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings." |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Tuesday Apr 7 2009, 01:41 PM Post #114 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Bedroom Golf Rules 1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls 2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. Edited by ASTROTRAIN, Tuesday Apr 7 2009, 01:42 PM.
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[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Apr 20 2009, 11:10 AM Post #115 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Paddy asks Murphy "Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?" Says Murphy " You fookin pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin boat"!!! |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Apr 20 2009, 11:12 AM Post #116 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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THE LOVING HUSBAND A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down to watch the game, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral." |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Monday Apr 20 2009, 05:05 PM Post #117 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Dear Employees, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 30 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Sincerely, The Management |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| NecrisTEWQ | Monday Apr 20 2009, 06:19 PM Post #118 |
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Avatar Rule Bender
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I just cant stop laughing in that last one.
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DISCLAIMER:Don't like what i say? Suck it up Princess | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Tuesday Apr 21 2009, 09:41 AM Post #119 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. “Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.” The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.” “Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my ass hole.” And the idiot went to Heaven. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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| ASTROTRAIN | Tuesday Apr 21 2009, 02:17 PM Post #120 |
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Figment of Your Imagination
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy. 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called "Sex Queen".' 'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he's your son !' With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and whacked her out of her chair. |
[RPGData:350|1|25|25|3|3|5|4|None|None|Warrior|0|None|None|0|0|0|0|None|0|None|None] -Adapt or Die- | |
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I just cant stop laughing in that last one.

1:24 AM Jul 12