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"Dusk" (Twilight Parody) - sneak previews; The possiblebook myself and jocundthelilac are doing
Topic Started: Jan 4 2010, 04:48 PM (708 Views)
Deleted User
Deleted User

Ok, you know the book "Dusk" that I keep going on about in the cbox, that me and jocundthelilac are going to write? Here I will be posting previews (and whole chapters on request)

Here's what we have of chapter 1 so far. Rate out of 10 and comment.

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Chapter 1 - The Story of the Super Sue

Hi. My name is Rubella Sue. I live in Mexico, and I have older twin brothers, called Measles and Mumps. I'm also a hick with two teeth. My father is a cossak dancer, all the way over in Mother Russia and he fucks sheep. I guess you could call him a part-time male prostitute. My mother sells rotten fruits in the town market square.

Anyhow, this book has nothing to do with my mother, or my brothers. This book, which you probably just wasted good money on, is all about ME Yeah, that's right, me, Rubella Sue. And even though I'm a country girl I'm totally perfect. Practically perfect in every way, just like Mary Poppins. I also have a fat fetish. My first boyfriend was a complete pig, he used to eat Burger King meals five times a day. And I love to eat mould off the walls.

Well, this is where my story begins.

Just after my seventeenth birthday, my mother told me that I was going to live with my father, Garfield Sue, in Moscow. Moscow is a place in Moscowland. I keep hearing vampires live there. Nah, just pulling your leg. It's in Russia. And the vampires that live there are the worst kind of vampires ever. They are...dun dun dun...BALLERINA VAMPIRES!! Who just so happen to be sexy.

I really didn't want to move to Russia, the only word I knew in Russian was "nyet" (which means no). And I hate vodka too. That's why I don't want to move to Russia. But since my mother is such a pushy so-and-so, I HAD to move. I'd never been to Russia in the fifteen sodding years I'd spent as a human being. And it was full of commies and other disgusting stuff, though I did like the Dschinghis Khan song.

That song was all i listened to on my stupid little MP3 Player on the way to the airport.
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Orange-Fire
Royal Servant
[[ *  *  * ]
This story is quite hilarious.

"My father lives in mother Russia and f**s sheep." Lol.

Genius. =)
Edited by Orange-Fire, Jan 5 2010, 06:53 AM.
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Orange-Fire
Jan 5 2010, 06:52 AM
This story is quite hilarious.

"My father lives in mother Russia and f**s sheep." Lol.

Genius. =)
You're the only person that actually likes this - nobody else has replied.

I hope someone else likes this. I'm not trying to offend Mexicans OR Russians (especially since I speak some Spanish)
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Deleted User
Deleted User

After being coerced into reading this, I've decided to give it:

5/10. There's comedy in bare-faced honesty but it feels all a little instant. Do scores matter for fan-fiction or parody? Well, that's something else. 5/10.
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LizardGenes
Jan 5 2010, 04:26 PM
After being coerced into reading this, I've decided to give it:

5/10. There's comedy in bare-faced honesty but it feels all a little instant. Do scores matter for fan-fiction or parody? Well, that's something else. 5/10.
Thank you, at least you were honest.
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Deleted User
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We have more of chapter 1.

That song was all i listened to on my stupid little MP3 Player on the way to the airport. I was fucking bored and wanted to rip my eyes out. My mother was sat in the passenger seat in the front of the car, wolfing down a Big Mac, an her new boyfriend was driving like a psycho killer. I was squished between Measles and Mumps, so that they couldn't argue. But they were arguing anyway and pulling on my hair.
"Fuck off!" I yelled, slapping both of them. Even though they were twenty-two, they still argued like mad. My mother turned round and looked at us.
"Rubella, we're nearly at the airport, remember that you get off at Heathrow airport, then get a flight to France, then Sweden, THEN... Russia."
"Okay, bitch," I said to her.

She smiled sweetly, then nearly had a fit when her boyfriend missed the turn-in to the airport. My parents really do suck.
"You idiot!" she yelled. "The airport was back that way!"
He let out a huge sigh, then hit his head off the steering wheel. Absolute mongrels, both of em. For once I wanted to go to goddamn Russia.

Then, he spoke.

"Get out and walk."
I slapped him one and got out of the car.
"See you in hell, loserface," I growled, and stormed off in the dry Mexican heat.

I arrived at the airport just in time for the flight. It was about to leave just before i scrambled on, bagless, waving my ticket in the air. I got on the damn plane and saw some drunken russkies who sparkled. Maybe they were... nah. I shook that thought from my mind and scrambled into my seat.


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Orange-Fire
Royal Servant
[[ *  *  * ]
FT:

I lol'ed. And I know you're not trying whip up...er...Russophobia? Mmmmkay that's not even a word.

Anyway, I found a better one:

"Rubella, we're nearly at the airport, remember that you get off at Heathrow airport, then get a flight to France, then Sweden, THEN... Russia."

> Wow...that certainly sounds tiring...for a trip to Moscow.
Edited by Orange-Fire, Jan 6 2010, 06:28 AM.
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FlyingTanuki
Jan 5 2010, 04:27 PM
LizardGenes
Jan 5 2010, 04:26 PM
After being coerced into reading this, I've decided to give it:

5/10. There's comedy in bare-faced honesty but it feels all a little instant. Do scores matter for fan-fiction or parody? Well, that's something else. 5/10.
Thank you, at least you were honest.
Thanks. I felt it was the kindest thing to do. :)
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Orange-Fire
Jan 6 2010, 06:28 AM
FT:

I lol'ed. And I know you're not trying whip up...er...Russophobia? Mmmmkay that's not even a word.

Anyway, I found a better one:

"Rubella, we're nearly at the airport, remember that you get off at Heathrow airport, then get a flight to France, then Sweden, THEN... Russia."

> Wow...that certainly sounds tiring...for a trip to Moscow.
I know it sounds tiring.

But trips that go to that part of the world can be like that.

lol at Russophobia.

Mexicophobia.

We're not trying to offend anyone here.
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Deleted User
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Ah, a Twilight parody. I think some parts are indeed very funny, though much of it is laid on a tad heavy. With so many parts that are made to have her and her family look stupid I feel that some of the importance and relevance of it is lost. Also, it could do with somewhat more details and description to heighten the understanding, though this may have been purposeful as to make the real Twilight seem all the more stupid, which it does. I don't want to go around nitpicking at every aspect of the work, so for now I will have to agree with LG here and go with a strict 5/10. The work is good, but lacking. As you continue to work towards writing out other chapters perhaps you will find the way you feel your own creativity can mold with the improvised version.
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Guinea Pig
Jan 6 2010, 05:22 PM
Ah, a Twilight parody. I think some parts are indeed very funny, though much of it is laid on a tad heavy. With so many parts that are made to have her and her family look stupid I feel that some of the importance and relevance of it is lost. Also, it could do with somewhat more details and description to heighten the understanding, though this may have been purposeful as to make the real Twilight seem all the more stupid, which it does. I don't want to go around nitpicking at every aspect of the work, so for now I will have to agree with LG here and go with a strict 5/10. The work is good, but lacking. As you continue to work towards writing out other chapters perhaps you will find the way you feel your own creativity can mold with the improvised version.
Another honest review.

I am finding this hard to write, as mainly I am a fanfiction writer.
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GoombaHead
Power Star!
FlyingTanuki
Jan 5 2010, 04:06 PM
Orange-Fire
Jan 5 2010, 06:52 AM
This story is quite hilarious.

"My father lives in mother Russia and f**s sheep." Lol.

Genius. =)
You're the only person that actually likes this - nobody else has replied.

I hope someone else likes this. I'm not trying to offend Mexicans OR Russians (especially since I speak some Spanish)
I saw the link and i clicked it, and i'm glad i did. This story is hilarious
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♫PeaceLoveNintendo♫
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I'll be your Princess if you be my Toad <3
I will admit, this is rather funny. However, I agree with GP, some of it is just a little bit too much. This is good though, just keep these comments in mind when writing future chapters.
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Thanks for the comments guys!

BTW, the whole story is sweary and slightly crude - you have Jocund to blame for that part :P
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So far it's very funny. I sent you a PM with suggestions. I can't wait to read more of this.
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