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Headline bukas ngayon ang brodkas!
Topic Started: Feb 13 2008, 09:16 PM (132 Views)
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help me sue Sue
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So?
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WASHINGTON DC, USA -- The United States Congress has unanimously ratified a mandate to begin adding Ronald McDonald's face to dollar bills produced in 2008. A spokesman of Congress said in a heartwarmingly tremoring voice, "This...*sniff*...will be a great way to honor...*sniff*...one of America's greatest historical heroes who...*sniff*...apart from his googol dollar business has been unnapreciated in comparison to less important men such as Abraham Lincoln. And I'm not sniffing like this because I'm crying, it's just that the Big-Mac I ate last night had so many greasy onions on it that I've been reacting all day."

Contrary to most dollar bills that feature a rather bland black and white picture of some long dead, fairly uninteresting president, these new bills will feature bright colors, and may possibly be made of plastic. The new bill will probably say "In grease we trust" in reference to the heavenly oil that saturates most McDonald's meals.

Congress decided to change the dollar bill in a unanimous bipartison vote. "We figured it was high time to honor a true American hero, one who is just as important, if not more, to the American people as George Washington. Possibly more. After all, when was the last time you saw a fast food restaurant named after George Washington? I'm betting it was a long time ago! All Thomas Jefferson did was write some old document...he doesn't fill my stomach with ketchupy goodness on my way home from work every day!"

Congress has also reportedly discussed bulldozing Teddy Roosevelt from Mount Rushmore to make room for a brightly painted addition: again, the face of Ronald McDonald, who many now consider "The greatest American." Other senators disagree with this, however: "Bulldoze Teddy Roosevelt? That's an OUTRAGE!" says senator and presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, "Teddy Roosevelt is the smallest one, and he's in the back! If anything, we should be bulldozing Washington! Or perhaps we could bulldoze ALL of those dull old presidents and add Mickey Mouse and Captain Crunch to the mountain!"

The current owner of the McDonald's franchise, Henry Piddlekins, has declined to comment on the situation, because he has eaten so much fast food he is no longer capable of any speech at all, aside from a kind of gutteral grunt.
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30 April 2008

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- 23 year old video game fan Jim Aspin was given a free copy of the brand new Grand Theft Auto game today after impressing store owners by shooting an old woman in the street.

Aspin was walking down the street when he saw the old woman walking her poodle and decided to shoot her. He pulled out the machine gun that came free with his purchase of Halo 2 and shot her several dozen times.

"Naturally, I was shocked," says the owner of the video game store next to the site of the shooting, "How could anyone pull off such an awesome kill in broad daylight? I was very impressed. There had to be some way to reward this fine young man, who was obviously quite skilled."

Ultimately, the game store owners ran out to Jim, cheering, and gave him a free copy of the latest installment of the Grand Theft Auto series. "That was one of the better kills I've seen in my time here, and I'm watching them whenever I'm not drinking beer or raping people!" yelled the store's manager. "The only way it would have been more impressive would be if blood had spattered the store windows. That happens in the video game all the time. It's friggin' awesome."

Aspin was honored to achieve this award. "I wish they could've given me a gift card instead. I suppose I could shoot another old person for it if I really wanted to. I'm out of ammunition though--I'll have to pick up some more next time they have a sale at Toys 'R Us. But for now, I'm gonna play Grand Theft Auto for the next eight days straight, without sleeping, eating, or pausing to feed my cat. After all, I've earned the game time. I did shoot that old woman pretty magnificently." When asked if he knew the old woman, Aspin said: "Eh, marginally. She was my mother."
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*Oh yeah.... too many..... arghhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh*
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4 May 2008

Living room floor, crawling towards your leg. Babies, known to emit morphine-like chemicals that cause their parents to behave irrationally and speak gibberish have also been outed today as personal couriers of Satan himself.

World governments reacted swiftly. Jesusland indicated that all terrorists are, at a certain stage in life, babies. The leader of Jesusland then air-dropped babies around particularly sensitive oilfields known to harbor terrorbabies. China cited it's superiority as a world power due to it's longstanding "One Baby" policy. Iran denied it had ever attached babies to long-range catapults. There was just muffled gunfire on the line when we contacted our Iraq correspondent, so they were probably just busy. Israel has erected a wall of babies for "security purposes" but Palestinians keep chucking babies over the wall. In Zimbabwe, is has been proposed that albino babies are much, much worse than regular babies.

Religious leaders, appearing very old to distance themselves from the demonic nature of childhood, cackled hideously at the prospect of devouring their own children to prevent any of them from ever overtaking them.

Historians were simply shocked to be consulted about something, having been unemployed since the great historical curiosity of 1825. Most just rambled on about previous historical happenings, making it clear that this is the first world-wide baby cull in history, possibly signaling a new era of world peace.

Rumors have surfaced that several people with feelings left are protecting their children from state-sponsored death.

"I knew it, " a common street prostitute commented between draws on her crack pipe, "Babies are so, like, wah wah wah."
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IN BEIJING, CHINA, much controversy has erupted from the Olympic committee's choice to have the next Olympic Games hosted within the depths of China. When asked why they chose to have the next games take place inside a crushingly oppressive Communist dictatorship, the head of the Olympic Committee said, "Well, it's sort of an elaborate practical joke on the athletes. Whoever survives to the end of the games without mysteriously vanishing gets an extra shiny trophy. See what we did there?"

China seems well-aware of the controversy surrounding this decision, and the leaders of the nation are determined to make Beijing as clean as possible for the upcoming games. Currently, Beijing is one of the most polluted cities in the world, and the only city in the world in which there is so much smog that it is darker during daytime than it is at night. China's air is so thick with deadly, deadly pollution that citizens never venture outside without elaborate breathing apparatuses. Or unless they can hold their breath for 24 hours.

Beijing officials are on a quest to clean up the city and impress foreigners when the Olympic Games begin this Summer. "I hope they can do it," says John Kolb, a Canadian representative of the Olympic Committee, "But we're assuming the worst. But look on the bright side, if they don't pull it off and clean up the country in time, it'll be pretty hilarious to watch the athletes work out while breathing in methane fumes. It'll be an added challenge, you know?"

China has promised a "Green Olympics," and as part of that promise, the government today announced that they would begin systematically killing everyone in the country to ensure a clean athletic environment for the athletes to compete in. The method would be the toxic chemical Dihydrogen Monoxide and whatever diseases the government feels like releasing, possibly bird flu.

"We put much thought into this," says Lui Queer, the organizer of the upcoming Great Big Cleanup, "And we quickly realized that the source of all the pollution we've been seeing is the fact that we have so many damn people in this country! If you get rid of the people, the hygiene problem is very quickly solved!"

So when the athletes arrive at last this summer, they'll be arriving to a very different Beijing than they'd expect. All the buildings will be empty, and all surfaces will be coated with disinfectant spray. Likewise, all the factories that were previously a vomit-brown color will have been repainted a bright, warm, fluorescent pink.

The athletes themselves will compete in empty, airtight stadiums. When asked about an audience, Qi said "Of course there won't be an audience! Do you realize how much bacteria there is on a human body! A single germ, a single microbe inside the stadium could ruin our entire international image. Hell, these guys are lucky we're even allowing athletes!"
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*psychotalk.....*
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Tseke ng isang basketball player, tumalbog!
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