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Through ages
Topic Started: Jul 2 2009, 01:17 PM (283 Views)
Xarina
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Through ages

The dust blew to the left steadily as the sun began to set and darken the sky. Nut felt it was time to finally use the device she had been working on for so long. She felt that this age was nothing for her. She was after all the goddess of night, day and in a way the passage of time. The other gods and goddesses could stay in this time and perish if that is what they wished. Nut felt it were more important to rule over these stupid humans in an age where they were no longer so young and when the others were no longer capable of looking after them. Hopefully in the future their weak race would have grown stronger and stronger more intelligent.

Raising these children could be left to the other gods and goddesses, she would much rather watch over them in the future and see what they have become, where they have went, what they have managed to create with the resources at their disposal. So for one last time she went out to gaze at the beautiful city Heliopolis, surrounded by the beauty of the earth. Trees, plants and flowers which had been put there by her beloved husband Geb, His existence was menial, but not without certain undeniable benefits. She would never forget the beauty of this age. She hoped that upon arrival in the future she would get to see how much more conspicuously delightful all this will be then.

However now it was time for her to get onto her ship that is circling the planet. She pressed a few buttons on her arm device and a few seconds later she was watching the planet from orbit. She entered the control room and started the device. It would take it a few minutes to load before she could make the jump through time. 300 years it had taken her to get the device to this state, finding a powerful enough energy source had not been easy, she was so excited. She would be the only one out of her fellow gods and goddesses living in the teenage years of humanity, since after all gods and goddesses are not immortal, they simply age a lot slower than the humans due to a few anomalies in their DNA.

“Energy source successfully powered, activating Petseba… activation complete, prepare for jump. In tie… ftoe… somte… snte… ouei” The system AI announced and she was finally on her way.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Power source depleted, jump successful, turning off unnecessary systems” The system AI declared.

“Damn it I should have brought an extra power source, oh well I’ll keep it in mind till next time.” Nut loudly exclaimed.

She went to the commando bridge and manually turned on the power reloader. Drawing power from the energy waves coming from the sun was a slow process but better than none at all. It would probably take around 24 hours, so she decided to play a visit to earth to see what had happened on there so far. Once again she pressed the frequence of buttons on her arm device to teleport her way down to Heliopolis.

The sight of what Heliopolis had become shocked her. Nothing but desert, no matter what direction she turned the only things she could see was sand. The beautiful sights she had left no longer existed. All the houses, temples and other buildings seemed to all have vanished.

“What the… did I go back in time before it was built?” she silently asked the air.
“Nut, you’re back. What you see is really the future, this is what humanity did after the other gods and goddesses all perished. They depleted this planets resources to advance technologically, re-growth was not of their concern. When it was all gone they left for other planets. Yes they have evolved quite far since you left and we do not know what happened with afterwards.” The spirits of the earth told her.

“So those idiots destroyed everything… I should have known. I would never had left, maybe I could have done something to prevent it. Guess there’s no point for me to stay on this planet, when my power source has reloaded itself I’ll leave to find those stupid kids and let them know what a goddess thinks of their poor behavior. Don’t worry earth spirits, I’ll engage the earth re-growth program before leaving. It’s nowhere near as powerful as my beloved Gebs, however it is better than nothing at this point.” She responded very irritated. Anger were glowing out of her eyes, she could not remember the last time she was this furious.

“Thank you Nut, it’s much appreciated. Good luck in your journey in finding the humans as well as your own kind.”

“My own kind? You mean there’s more like me still out there? Oh no… please don’t tell me they mixed with those humans?”

“Indeed they did, a few thousand years after you left the other gods and goddesses felt it was better to mix with the humans instead of perish. They thought the humans might evolve in a way beneficial to both species. However the humans were as you might have already guessed, still too young. Your kind didn’t have enough time to wait any longer, some of them were already dying. So they went ahead with their plan and what you see now was the outcome. The result cannot be blamed solely on the humans I’m sure you can understand that Nut.”

“Yes I can understand that, my kind acted without putting enough thought into it, if I had been here I would never had allowed it to happen. Even if I would have had to destroy my own kind the life of the planet may had been saved.”

“Don’t blame yourself, it’s more than likely the combined forces of your kind would have beaten you in such a power struggle. Even though you’re among the youngest and most powerful it might have been too much for you to take on.”

“So you’re saying I there was nothing I could have done to prevent it?” She exclaimed infuriated.

“No need to lose your temper dear girl, just as those humans your kind is still young compared to us. It’s barely you can communicate with us, the technological advancements you’ve made are the only thing that makes it possible. Even your technology is primitive in comparison.”

“And yet you rely on us to create life on the planets in this galaxy, you call that primitive. Why don’t you do it yourselves if you’re so powerful!”

“We would Nut, however we have more important things to tend to. The planetary life you refer to are not beneficial to our existence, therefore it’s not a priority of ours as much as it is one of yours. We are more concerned about finding the meaning of life and of our own existence.”

“I came up with a good answer of the meaning of life, but, I forgot it... Living life and making it spread around the rest of the galaxy was more important at the time, however the earth project now failed. Maybe I will try to remember it again. I should be going now.”

“Good luck on your quest Nut, we’re sure you’ll find your kind eventually. However finding the meaning of life might be trickier than your kind might think.” The spirits said before vanishing.

“I wonder how they do that. They’re teleportation devices must be far greater than ours. –sigh- I should be going now and restart the earth program. This time let it run without interference. I wonder where in the galaxy my kind now resides.” She said before returning to her ship.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Nut got back to the commando bridge she turned the AI back on.

“Aina what is the status of the power supply?” She asked the system AI.

“3% complete, estimated time left before fully loaded 26 hours 13 minutes 37 seconds.”

“How long before we have enough energy to start the earth re-birth program?”

“35 minutes. Shall I put it on automatic start when the required amount of energy is reached?”

“Yes please, when that is done get me all information you can gather about the human history until this point, anything and everything. I’m going to get some rest in the meantime, let me know when we’re back at full power.” She said with an authoritarian sound to her voice.

She then left the commando bridge to proceed towards her quarters. She walked along a long corridor with lavender colored walls, the color she had picked the first time she met Geb. She stopped for a moment to think about him. After a few minutes of just standing there she started shaking her head. ‘There’s no point in thinking of him, he’s long gone’ she silently and melancholy thought for herself before reaching towards her arm device. She pressed a few buttons and in an instant the color of the walls was changed to different shades of blue. ‘Much better, a new color for a new beginning, I cannot and will not dwell on the past it’s gone and will not come back. I came here to see the development of humanity and that’s what I will do’. She continued until she reached the door leading to her room, she opened it and went inside.

A light started flowing in the room, lightning like following the roof, pure energy giving heat and light. ‘I guess that’s enough power for me to see everything properly, time travel sure is tiresome, I better go to bed and get some sleep’.

She slowly walked towards her bedside table and looked into the mirror hanging above it. A very tired woman stared back at her, she had a good figure not skinny and without shapes as some of the other goddesses. She had curves but had never been very fond of them herself. She was wearing a tight lavender dress with a golden belt around her waist, it left nothing to imagination and had been the latest fashion around the time she had left. ‘sigh I need to get myself a new style more fitting of this age, I wonder what women now a day’s wear… I guess that’s one thing I’ll have to look into when exploring this galaxy and neighboring galaxies.’ She silently said to herself. She removed the hair ties holding her hair up and let her long Mahogany colored hair out, it reached all the way down to her waist. She picked up her brush and started brushing it while starring into her blue eyes, they were a little bloodshot. When she had finished brushing her hair she started to undress.

She closed her eyes and the light in the room vanished. She laid down on her bed and put the quilt over her body. While she laid there she thought back on what the earth spirits had said. She still tried to figure out what they were and what they had meant with what they said. They had been around for as long as she remembered and yet she knew so little about them. She felt slightly stupid for losing her temper in such manners, however keeping her temper had never been her strongest side. She had a tendency to speak her mind no matter what and to whom, but one person. The only person’s feelings she had ever tried so hard not to hurt had been her beloved Gebs. The man she had loved so much, a man whom the humans had thought were her brother. They were very mistaken, however both had more important things to deal with, arguing with humans had been useless since they had a tendency to believe what they wanted to believe.

At some point while lying there, thinking back, she fell asleep.
--------------------------------

“Nut, the earth rebirth program has been initiated and is near its completion, would you like to make any last minute edits in the species program?”

“erm… what?” Nut answered with a sleepy voice. “ohh yes umm… remove the genetics for human life, they’re not needed since they’ve already left and probably spread through the galaxy.”

“That’s impossible Nut and you know it, all I can do is lower the possibility for them to evolve. However the consequences of such changes are un-known so only time will tell what will be created on this planet.” Aina responded.

“ohh whatever it’ll be good enough, if there’s any problems the earth spirits will deal with it. Well I’ll let it be their problem now. Keep your temperament in check Aina and don’t try to be smartass with me.”

“I’m an artificial intelligence, sometimes I wonder if I’m more intelligent then yourself Nut.”

“Ohh being cocky now aren’t we.” Nut said before they both burst into laughter.

“ahh the program should have ran its full course within the hour, I suggest you get ready and get to the commando bridge before that time, I’m eager to start exploring and I’m sure so are you.”

Aina was right, Nut was extremely eager to explore the galaxy and its neighboring galaxies at this time. This would probably be a fun experience, who knows maybe she would find new species and crossovers by her own kind and humans. Both good and evil, she didn’t know what the other gods who hadn’t resided on earth had done until this time, if they were still alive that is. She didn’t know much, she had never left earth since her and the others decided to stay there with the program that was already on it and interact with the humans there. The gods and humans had very similar DNA however humanity was far less advanced, they did not have the biological powers she and the others were born with. Actually the word gods and goddesses wasn’t the real name of her people, it was just something the humans had called them and it had stuck. Of course Nut and the others didn’t mind being looked upon as gods and goddesses. They referred to themselves as Aerunians after their home galaxy which location had been forgotten well over 100 generations ago.

Aerunians are an extremely old race and yet one of the younger ones known in the universe, at least from around the time Nut left, it was possible new information about it had been discovered since then. She had so much new information she would have to gather about the known universe at this point.

“Aina”

“Yes Nut”

“What did you discover about the humans history until this point?”

“Not very much Nut I’m Sad to say only bits and pieces from around the entire planet could be found. Their needs to worship gods never changed. Quite a few funny stories really, one which they called Christianity. They needed a book to follow the simplest of manners.”

“Really” Nut said while laughing. “They sure are a funny race, extremely primitive” she said upon going silent for a moment before continuing. “Or was, after all they must have gotten far to be able to space travel. I still can’t believe my fellow Aerunians decided to mix with them” she said upon rolling her eyes.

To be continued...

----------------------------------
Started writing it for the rapture writing thing I'm doing over there :D C&C is much appreciated.
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Esaul
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I just wanted to say that I did take the time to read this, but I've been going through it and offering suggestions. I'll hopefully finish my post today or tomorrow.
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Xarina
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That would be great, thanks ^_^
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Esaul
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The dust blew to the left steadily as the sun began to set and darken the sky. Nut felt it was time to finally use the device she had been working on for so long. She felt that this age was nothing for her. She was after all the goddess of night, day and in a way the passage of time. The other gods and goddesses could stay in this time and perish if that is what they wished.

Quote:
 
Nut felt it were more important to rule over these stupid humans in an age where they were no longer so young and when the others were no longer capable of looking after them. Hopefully in the future their weak race would have grown stronger and stronger more intelligent.


In my opinion, it should be “Net felt it was more important…” It sounds right to me. But I could be wrong of course. Also you used stronger twice where you only need one. It would be: “…would have grown stronger and more intelligent.”

Quote:
 
Trees, plants and flowers which had been put there by her beloved husband Geb, His existence was menial, but not without certain undeniable benefits. She would never forget the beauty of this age. She hoped that upon arrival in the future she would get to see how much more conspicuously delightful all this will be then.


After flowers, you need a comma. The way you have from “Trees, plants, and flowers…without certain undeniable benefits” they are two separate ideas, so they should be two separate sentences. Instead, consider using “Trees, plants, and flowers were put there by her beloved husband, Geb. His existence was menial, but not without certain undeniable benefits.” Finally, you want “…delightfully all this WOULD be then” at least in my opinion anyway.

Quote:
 
However now it was time for her to get onto her ship that is circling the planet.


There is a comma after however. If the tense you are writing in is in the past, then your verbs (most of the time) should be in past tense as well. So it should be: “However, now it was time for her to get onto her ship that was circling the planet.”

Quote:
 
300 years it had taken her to get the device to this state, finding a powerful enough energy source had not been easy, she was so excited.


Usually, typing out numbers, like 300 is acceptable, but to me, it personally looks odd seeing 300 in the beginning of a sentence like that let alone a new paragraph. So, I’m going to say that 300 years should be spelt out Three hundred years. The sentence you have can be made into two sentences, making it less awkward. Rather than what you have, I suggest you have it something to this effect: “Three hundred years it had taken her to get the device to this state (or try and make it “Three hundred years it had taken her to get the device to its current state). Finding a powerful enough energy source had not been easy. She was so excited. (OR: Finding a powerful enough energy source had not been easy, making her excited.)

Quote:
 
She would be the only one out of her fellow gods and goddesses living in the teenage years of humanity, since after all gods and goddesses are not immortal, they simply age a lot slower than the humans due to a few anomalies in their DNA.


I think you can do better with this being more than one sentence as well. If you don’t agree, the only change you need to make is “…since after all gods and goddesses WERE not immortal…” that’s going back to the discussion of tenses earlier. And there’s a comma after humans. ;)

HOWEVER if you wish to go about and make this into more than one sentence, this is what I suggest: “She would be the only one out of her fellow gods and goddesses living in the teenage years of humanity. Gods and goddesses were not immortal, they simple age a lot slower than the humans, due to a few anomalies in their DNA.


Quote:
 
“Damn it I should have brought an extra power source, oh well I’ll keep it in mind till next time.” Nut loudly exclaimed.


You need a comma after damn it. And end the sentence after source. Continue the next sentence with your other train of thought. You really don’t need till there in your sentence, you can replace it with for. But it’s not necessary since it’s your character speaking.

Quote:
 
Drawing power from the energy waves coming from the sun was a slow process but better than none at all. It would probably take around 24 hours, so she decided to play a visit to earth to see what had happened on there so far. Once again she pressed the frequence of buttons on her arm device to teleport her way down to Heliopolis.


Instead of having your sentence structured the way it is, you could say: “Drawing power from the energy waves of the sun was a slow process.” You could spell out 24 hours so it could be twenty-four ( generally the rule is ((I believe)) you type numbers one through ten out.) but you don’t have to. I think you mean pay a visit to earth versus play ;). Finally, I think you should use sequence instead of frequence, (seeing how that isn’t a word). Instead it would be: “Once again, she pressed a sequence of buttons on her arm…”

Quote:
 
Nothing but desert, no matter what direction she turned the only things she could see was sand. The beautiful sights she had left no longer existed. All the houses, temples and other buildings seemed to all have vanished.


Nothing but desert. Make that one sentence. It just confuses the sentence with the rest of what you have, which can stand quite well in its own sentence. “All the houses, temples, and…” you just missed another comma.


Quote:
 
Yes they have evolved quite far since you left and we do not know what happened with afterwards.” The spirits of the earth told her.


You need a comma after yes. Keeping this sentence the way it is sounds awkward. You are missing a word after with, and I believe you have meant to put them there, referring to the humans.

Quote:
 
It’s nowhere near as powerful as my beloved Gebs, however it is better than nothing at this point.” She responded very irritated. Anger were glowing out of her eyes, she could not remember the last time she was this furious.


You need a comma after however. Also, it should be anger was glowing…

Quote:
 
“Indeed they did, a few thousand years after you left the other gods and goddesses felt it was better to mix with the humans instead of perish.


It is better if you have two sentences here instead of the one. You should make it Indeed they did. A few thousand…and just finish off the sentence. You want to make perish into perishing.

Quote:
 
However the humans were as you might have already guessed, still too young. Your kind didn’t have enough time to wait any longer, some of them were already dying. So they went ahead with their plan and what you see now was the outcome. The result cannot be blamed solely on the humans I’m sure you can understand that Nut.”


You need a comma after however and were of that sentence. And you need another comma after humans.

Quote:
 
“Yes I can understand that, my kind acted without putting enough thought into it, if I had been here I would never had allowed it to happen. Even if I would have had to destroy my own kind the life of the planet may had been saved.”


The first sentence here should be two. It should be “…enough thought into. If I had been here…” The next sentence, you don’t need would have. Saying “Even if I had to destroy…” suffices. Where you have “…may had been saved.” I think you should have may have been saved in my opinion.

Quote:
 
“Don’t blame yourself, it’s more than likely the combined forces of your kind would have beaten you in such a power struggle. Even though you’re among the youngest and most powerful it might have been too much for you to take on.”


Again, the first sentence should be two. “Don’t blame yourself. It’s more than likely the…” You need a comma after powerful.

Quote:
 
“So you’re saying I there was nothing I could have done to prevent it?” She exclaimed infuriated.


This may have been a typo. The I after saying is unneeded.

Quote:
 
“No need to lose your temper dear girl, just as those humans your kind is still young compared to us. It’s barely you can communicate with us, the technological advancements you’ve made are the only thing that makes it possible. Even your technology is primitive in comparison.”


You need a comma after humans. I think you mean: “It’s surprising you can…”. Instead of “…are the only…” you want IS the only thing.



Quote:
 
“We would Nut, however we have more important things to tend to. The planetary life you refer to are not beneficial to our existence, therefore it’s not a priority of ours as much as it is one of yours. We are more concerned about finding the meaning of life and of our own existence.”


Lol. Again you need another comma after however =). “The planetary life you refer to IS not…” And I think you could do without one and keep it “…therefore it’s not a priority of ours as much as it is of yours.”

Quote:
 
“I came up with a good answer of the meaning of life, but, I forgot it... Living life and making it spread around the rest of the galaxy was more important at the time, however the earth project now failed. Maybe I will try to remember it again. I should be going now.”


Here, I think you should have her pause a bit, and I think maybe you had meant to with the comma you have after the but (which is not needed). Try out: “I came up with a good answer of the meaning of life…but…I forgot it. Living life…” Again another comma after however and get rid of now after project,t not needed there.

Quote:
 
“I wonder how they do that. They’re teleportation devices must be far greater than ours. –sigh- I should be going now and restart the earth program. This time let it run without interference. I wonder where in the galaxy my kind now resides.” She said before returning to her ship.


While writing, keep in mind that using –sigh- doesn’t work here ;). Instead, you want to end the dialogue after “…must be far greater than ours,” she sighed. “I should be…”

Quote:
 
“35 minutes. Shall I put it on automatic start when the required amount of energy is reached?”


Again, you may want to type out “Thirty-five minutes.”

Quote:
 
“Yes please, when that is done get me all information you can gather about the human history until this point, anything and everything. I’m going to get some rest in the meantime, let me know when we’re back at full power.” She said with an authoritarian sound to her voice.


Yes please should be a sentence on its own. And end the next sentence with meantime.

Quote:
 
‘There’s no point in thinking of him, he’s long gone’ she silently and melancholy thought for herself before reaching towards her arm device. She pressed a few buttons and in an instant the color of the walls was changed to different shades of blue. ‘Much better, a new color for a new beginning, I cannot and will not dwell on the past it’s gone and will not come back. I came here to see the development of humanity and that’s what I will do’. She continued until she reached the door leading to her room, she opened it and went inside.


I think you wanted “…thought to herself…” instead of for. Next: “She pressed a few buttons and in an instant the color of the walls was changed…” You don’t need was there, walls changed is fine on its own. After a new beginning, end the sentence.

A light started flowing in the room, lightning like following the roof, pure energy giving heat and light. ‘I guess that’s enough power for me to see everything properly, time travel sure is tiresome, I better go to bed and get some sleep’.

Quote:
 
She slowly walked towards her bedside table and looked into the mirror hanging above it. A very tired woman stared back at her, she had a good figure not skinny and without shapes as some of the other goddesses. She had curves but had never been very fond of them herself. She was wearing a tight lavender dress with a golden belt around her waist, it left nothing to imagination and had been the latest fashion around the time she had left.


End the second sentence with her instead of placing a comma there. “She had a good figure, not too skinny and without shape as some of the other goddesses.” That’s what your sentence should look like there. “She had curves, but had…” You missed a comma. “She was wearing a tight lavender dress, with…” and another comma. End that sentence with waist. “It left nothing to the imagination…”

Quote:
 
‘sigh I need to get myself a new style more fitting of this age, I wonder what women now a day’s wear… I guess that’s one thing I’ll have to look into when exploring this galaxy and neighboring galaxies.’ She silently said to herself. She removed the hair ties holding her hair up and let her long Mahogany colored hair out, it reached all the way down to her waist. She picked up her brush and started brushing it while starring into her blue eyes, they were a little bloodshot. When she had finished brushing her hair she started to undress.

It should be: She sighed: “I need…” and end the sentence with age. “She removed the ties holding her long mahogany colored hair up, allowing it to reach down to her waist.” I think something to that effect would be better suited there. You used hair three times in the same sentence, making it rather repetitive.

Quote:
 
While she laid there she thought back on what the earth spirits had said. She still tried to figure out what they were and what they had meant with what they said.


You need a comma after there. End the following sentence with meant. The reader should understand that on its own.

Quote:
 
They had been around for as long as she remembered and yet she knew so little about them. She felt slightly stupid for losing her temper in such manners, however keeping her temper had never been her strongest side. She had a tendency to speak her mind no matter what and to whom, but one person. The only person’s feelings she had ever tried so hard not to hurt had been her beloved Gebs. The man she had loved so much, a man whom the humans had thought were her brother. They were very mistaken, however both had more important things to deal with, arguing with humans had been useless since they had a tendency to believe what they wanted to believe.


You need a comma after both howevers in this section. Instead of but one person, you should say besides one person (because Gebs is the exception.)

Quote:
 
“erm… what?” Nut answered with a sleepy voice. “ohh yes umm… remove the genetics for human life, they’re not needed since they’ve already left and probably spread through the galaxy.”


Erm and ohh need to be capitalized. End the sentence with life. You need a comma after needed.

Quote:
 
“That’s impossible Nut and you know it, all I can do is lower the possibility for them to evolve. However the consequences of such changes are un-known so only time will tell what will be created on this planet.” Aina responded.


End the first sentence with it. You need a comma after however.

Quote:
 
“ohh whatever it’ll be good enough, if there’s any problems the earth spirits will deal with it. Well I’ll let it be their problem now. Keep your temperament in check Aina and don’t try to be smartass with me.”


Captialize ohh. You need a comma after whatever and end the sentence with enough. You need a comma after problems and another after well.

Quote:
 
“ahh the program should have ran its full course within the hour, I suggest you get ready and get to the commando bridge before that time, I’m eager to start exploring and I’m sure so are you.”


Capitalize ahh.

Quote:
 
Both good and evil, she didn’t know what the other gods who hadn’t resided on earth had done until this time, if they were still alive that is. She didn’t know much, she had never left earth since her and the others decided to stay there with the program that was already on it and interact with the humans there. The gods and humans had very similar DNA however humanity was far less advanced, they did not have the biological powers she and the others were born with.


Both good and evil should be a single sentence on its own. You need a comma after who. She didn’t know much should be a sentence on its own. If you kept it in the same sentence, it would feel a bit dragged on. “She had never left earth since SHE and the others decided to stay there with the program that was already on it.” That itself should be the sentence. If you continued with the last bit, it again would feel a bit dragged on. Instead try “They interacted with the humans there.” You need a comma before and after however.

Quote:
 
They referred to themselves as Aerunians after their home galaxy which location had been forgotten well over 100 generations ago.


You need a comma after Aerunians and you should type out 100 to be one hundred.

Quote:
 
Aerunians are an extremely old race and yet one of the younger ones known in the universe, at least from around the time Nut left, it was possible new information about it had been discovered since then. She had so much new information she would have to gather about the known universe at this point.


You want were instead of are, back to the tense conversation from earlier ;). End the sentence with left.

Quote:
 
“Yes Nut”


You forgot a question mark here.

Quote:
 
“Not very much Nut I’m Sad to say only bits and pieces from around the entire planet could be found. Their needs to worship gods never changed. Quite a few funny stories really, one which they called Christianity. They needed a book to follow the simplest of manners.”


End the sentence with Nut. Sad should be lower case.



Well, despite the corrections your story needed, I really do like what you wrote here. A couple years back, my Myth and Symbols teacher would have loved you for creating this here. I think that it’s a fantastic story, something I really enjoyed reading. I’m sorry I didn’t get to it a lot sooner. Good job =)
Edited by Esaul, Jul 25 2009, 05:54 PM.
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Xarina
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Thanks Esaul I'll get to correcting it as soon as I can as well as updating the story when I have more. Some of the sentences are premade and won't be changed considering they're part of the Rapture community writing thing. Only 3 sentences though. The first sentence is an example of the three XD

Some of the mistakes I would probably have noticed myself if I had tried correcting it. It's nice to get help with some of the grammar though, considering I'm not from an English speaking country I make some mistakes that I don't notice until they're pointed out. So again thanks =)
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Esaul
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Yeah, I figured that was why you were missing some grammatical mistakes. It was worth the read =)
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Esaul
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I just found out that I was wrong about however. If however is in the middle of a sentence, it should be:

Quote:
 
whatever the sentence is before; however,


A semi-colon goes before however and a comma goes after.
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