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Loup Garoux (Lu-Ga-Ru); It's an adventure, a little romance..
Topic Started: Jul 26 2009, 07:55 PM (1,053 Views)
HopefulDreamer91
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Chapter 6 is COMPLETE! TELL ME what you think! =D
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Girl-N-Da-Hat
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SHWEEET!!!!!!
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HopefulDreamer91
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Muwahahaha....
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Esaul
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Grammatical error.
Incorrect word.
Wrong tense.
Wrong point of view
Run on.

Quote:
 
Four figures darted through the dark rain filled streets; too fast to be noticed; too graceful to be heard. The figures headed for the timbers, to the west of town, where they spent most of their time, doing, who knows what. Few people knew of their existence, others thought them to be merely a myth; fiction, something someone came up with to scare their children into staying indoors at night. No one was to ever know the reality of what was truly real. Their physical appearance was like yours or mine; nothing out of the ordinary.
They couldn’t be identified by appearance or public behavior. To the naked eye, they seemed just the same as you or I. Now, to find out the truth…



  • The first couple of sentences you have are kinda run-onish. You can make them into a couple of sentences here and there. Don't be afraid to have short sentences. Just try to make it nice, clear, and crisp for a reader to follow and understand. Don't make them have to reread it again to make sense of what you're trying to say.

  • Now to find the truth about what exactly?

  • I hate to be harsh, but I would strongly recommend redoing your paragraph here. Tweak it. Add some more detail about them, or about the scenery. Something. Explain how people reacted to them. The first couple of paragraphs are essential to a story. This is what you're using to draw your audience into it. Once you snare them with the first few paragraphs, the only thing you have to do is keep the plot nice and fresh.


    Quote:
     
    As usual, Arekkusu (Ah-re-ku-su) was the first back to the house, followed by Chiienn (She-in), then myself, and lastly Keri. Soaking wet we entered our humble home hidden by the dense timbers outside of the town we’d grown to call home. We were all each other had; this was our family. Besides other packs unlike our own, no one knew of us. At least, we hoped to not be discovered. Hiding for over three centuries can become quite a bother, with civilization changing. There are less wooded areas for us to run and hunt in as we please. We were not like the humans thought us to be… we didn’t prey upon them like our early ancestors had before us, or like our brethren packs, who insist on honoring the old ways, despite the great changes in civilization since the beginning of our time. We are Loup Garoux (Lu-Ga-Ru); werewolves.



    • Never, and I repeat, never have pronunciation in the middle of a story like that.

    • As usual, Arekkusu was the first back to the house, followed by Chiienn, then myself, and lastly Keri. ---Personally I dislike lastly being there. I think it's out of place, and personally I would've used finally. But hey, that's just me.

    • Soaking wet, we entered our humble home, hidden by the dense timbers outside of the town we'd grown to call home.

    • Besides other packs, unlike our own, no one knew of us.

    • Unlike: First off, in my opinion, you want to use like instead. And if you meant to use unlike, you need to follow that up with an explanation how your pack differs from everyone else.

    • At least, we hoped to not to be discovered

    • Hiding for over three centuries can became quite bothersome

    • There are were less wooded areas for us to run and hunt in as we please.

    • We were not like the humans thought us to be...we didn't prey upon them like our early ancesstors had before us, or like our brethren packs, who insist on honoring the old ways, despite the great changes in civilization since the beginning of time.

    • We are were Loup Garoux; werewolves.
      Edited by Esaul, Feb 11 2010, 08:23 AM.
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Rawr5492

I'm loving it! and I'm not at Mcdonalds xD
<3 keep going Missy!
(Its Keri by the way :P)
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HopefulDreamer91
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Um... Ok??? Where does Mc Donald's come into this?? xD You just confused me!!!! THANKS A LOT! =P

YAY, Keri.. I love you =)
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Rawr5492

Haha it doesn't take much :D

Keep up the good work
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HopefulDreamer91
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NVM!! GOTCHA!!! After you explained it.... xD
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HopefulDreamer91
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Chapter 7

Merisa's Dream

Everything was dark. I could see silhouette's of figures all around me, but they were blurry. I could hear voices, but I couldn't make out what they were saying.

"She won't help us willingly, you do realize this don't you."

"It doesn't have to be willingly, after all, I'm sure there's at least one weakness we could find to.. persuade her to do what we want."

"Yes, but I thought we wanted her to join us, she would be a very good addition to our plans, and after all.. She is family.."

I could recognize those voices, but I couldn't put a face the them...
'Why can't I remember??... Wait... Mekichi?.. Who's he talking to? What're they talking about?'

Their voices became distant, and the room started to get brighter, "Wait! I don't understand!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up and I was in a familiar bed, but it wasn’t my own. 'Why.. Why does it feel like I’ve felt this way before?' I looked around and I realized, I was in a hospital bed. My heart started to race. Frantically, I pulled the covers from my legs. My leg was in a cast. Images of that dream can back to me, that person on the path I had encountered, it had been Mekichi… And why I was in the hospital was from the fight…

‘The fight… Chiienn…’ Silently I wept. In my dreams, Chiienn had always been the one by my side. She had been so happy to see me alive and well… Why had that not been the reality?

‘Was Arekku right? Is that some new power… If so.. Why was it different then all my dreams.. What if… What if something changed the out come?… If so.. What is it…’

I tried sitting up, but hissed at the significant amount of pain that inflicted upon my body. Tears continued to slip down my face.
'Chiienn...' I shook my head and winced at the pain it caused.

Brushing away the tears I realized something else that was different from my dreams, my leg was in a cast, but my arm wasn’t. ‘Not that I’m not happy about that, but why is that different as well?’ I sighed.

Looking around the room I noticed Keri, in wolf form, was asleep on the floor on the right side of my bed and Taki was sitting in a chair directly to my left. He was bent over the bed, head resting against my thigh. I smiled and stroked his hair, he stirred and looked up at me.

A big grin spread across his face, "I knew you wouldn't die on me." He squeezed my hand.

Keri's ears twitched, she raised her head to look up at me. Her eyes filled instantly with joy as she bolted from the floor to my side, licking my cheek. I laughed softly, petting the top of her head. "It's good to see you too Keri."

'Oh I'm so happy that you're alive!!! I've missed you so much!! When Army-Neko came to get me and told me that you'd been hurt I was so scared.' Her face drooped, 'I can't believe Chiienn would do that to you.. To us! How could she betray us like that?' A soft growl emitted from deep within Keri's throat.

I patted Keri's head softly, "It'll be okay." I looked out the window, a hardened expression overtaking my facial features. My eyes a deep blue storm. "She's decided her fate." I looked back to Taki.
"We have no choice but to take her down, along with Mekichi."
He nodded curtly.

But then I turned uncertain, “Taki… What if.. What if she was tricked?”

He gave me a skeptical look. “I think she made herself very clear about how she wanted to kill you.”

I shook my head. “No I mean.. What if, it wasn’t really her?”

“Now you’re not making any sense. I think the medicine is having an effect on your thinking process. Maybe you should sleep some more.”

“I’m not crazy!” I sighed. “Arekkusu and I came to the conclusion that I’m… Psychic or something.. I’m not sure.. I used to always have this weird dream, where I’d see Mekichi, then I’d end up in the hospital. Except, I could never see that it was Mekichi or how I ended up in the hospital. My wounds, how I feel, are almost all exactly how they were in that dream. Except two things, in the dream my arm was in a cast as well..” I trailed off, refusing to look at Corataka.

“You said two things.. That’s one, what was the other thing?” He said softly, placing his hand over mine.

I took a deep breath and looked at him. “Chiienn was the one at my side. She was the same she has always been. My best friend, she was so concerned for me… I don’t understand… If we’re right and this is some new power of mine, then why isn’t this out come the same as it always has been in my dreams?”

He was silent for a few minutes, “So, do you think someone made it change somehow?”

I shook my head. “I’m not sure.. Maybe?” I looked at him hopefully. “It’s just so confusing…” I sighed, turning my attention to Keri. I’d forgotten she was in the room with us. "Hey, how's Arekku doing?"

She lowered her head, ears drooping back, flat against her head. 'He still hasn't woken up yet. I hear he did an awesome job fending off the other four rouges! But, he took a lot of damage.'

I nod my head and laid back against the pillows, my thoughts consumed by instant replays of my fight with Mekichi and Chiienn. Corataka had scooted me over so he could rest next to me. Since the bed was so small he opted for turning wolf so I could lay comfortably. I absent-minded-ly ran my fingers through his fur.

I could feel a tightness on my neck. Gingerly, with my free hand, I touched my neck, my fingers caress a series of maybe ten stitches running horizontally across my throat. 'That's right... Chiienn sliced open my throat..'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mekichi paces back and forth in a dimly-lit room. Growling to himself, he stops to glare at Chiienn's unconscious form on the floor. "We almost had her!" He snaps. "You insignificant fool.. You let her slip through our fingers." His rant is interrupted by the door opening, he snarls, "Who dares barge in here-" He turns to stare down the poor sap who dare enter without knocking, but his facial expression quickly turns to one of terror. Swiftly he kneels and bows his head, "Forgive me. I was not expecting you, Master."

The figure is silhouetted, only an evil glint in his eye is visible. "Rise, my son."



(((((((((((((((((((((((((CLIFFY!!!! Haha.. All I have for the moment.. I might add more to Ch.7 before I'm satisfied with it enough to start Ch.8 But for now, I am done.))))))))))))))))))))))))
Edited by HopefulDreamer91, Feb 27 2010, 07:11 PM.
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Rawr5492

Aww...what happens??? :(
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la-vida-loca
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Sometimes I think I was born backwards...
Alright, I gots some corrections for you for the first chapter. i'll get on the second as soon as i can, but i'm not sure when that will be...

anywho, Chapter 1:

Quote:
 
(Note: The words Loup Garoux aren't my own,
they're from Annette Curtis Klause's book Blood & Chocolate.
But I assure you that this story has nothing to do with the book.)


- that was a good book. xD


Quote:
 
The unusual thing about this story is, it’s been discovered that similar stories have been passed down for generations, dating back to the late 1700’s…


- not sure about "this story is, it's been". the "is, it's" just doesn't feel right, but maybe that's just me...


- didn't indent at the beginning of this paragraph like you did in the others, just a heads up. :P you do that several times through the whole story...


Quote:
 
Four figures darted through the dark rain filled streets; too fast to be noticed; too graceful to be heard.


- now, Microsoft Word doesn't seem to care either way, but could the second semi-colon be replaced with a comma? two semi colons like that just seems odd... but then again, i don't use semi-colons often enough to say anything with any authority haha...


Quote:
 
This particular group seemed to keep to themselves, and you could never tell them apart from any other human being for one of their physical appearances was like yours or mine;


- in "and you could never", the "you" seems out of place. i think it's just the feel i get from the previous sentences, but this story, although a first-person narrative, doesn't seem like one of the stories in which the audience is directly addressed. usually, those types of stories pertain to something... different than the vibe i'm getting from the first few sentences. idk, addressing the reader directly gives this a whole different feeling that what is set up by the first few sentences. but if it's a narration by you (see below), then it probably works, it's just not usually seen...


Quote:
 
This particular group seemed to keep to themselves, and you could never tell them apart from any other human being for one of their physical appearances was like yours or mine; nothing out of the ordinary. Just what is a Loup Garoux? Well, lets find out...


- this whole part is a little odd. firstly, what i mentioned above. then, there's the whole "like yours or mine". the first person narrator is a werewolf, so would the "mine" work there? i get that they look like humans but that's a little unclear... then there's the "Well, lets find out..." first of all, "lets" needs an apostrophe because it's "let us", and secondly, this makes it sound like you, not your character, is beginning this story. that's a bit...odd, for a story. not unheard of, but, typically, if the narrator is the author, then the character is not in first person, unless the part where the author narrates is clearly labeled as an intro or something. if it's an intro that you're going for, as i'm now assuming it is, then you need an indicator, like --- or some other interruption between this paragraph and the next one...


Quote:
 
Our pack is one of the few "vegetarian" packs of Loup Garoux, we don't prey upon humans like our early ancestors have before us,


- "have" just doesn't sound right there... :/ i'd say either put "did" or "had", but i'm not sure about "have".


Quote:
 
We are Loup Garoux (Lu-Ga-Ru); werewolves.


- i agree with Esual on this one. no pronunciations in stories.


Quote:
 
Our small pack consists of the four of us; Arekkusu, our pack leader, and eldest of us, stands at 6’5, average for our kind, very muscular, short-soft dirty blond hair, with warm, but firm brown eyes.


- no hyphen between "short" and "soft".


Quote:
 
but with lean undertone muscles, long-silky light brown tresses that splay across her back and shoulders,


- no hyphen between "long" and "silky"


Quote:
 
Then there’s the “pup” of the pack; Keri, obviously youngest, but second tallest.


- you have a large abundance of semicolons. are they all really needed? i think you could get away with a comma after "pack", but i don't know much about the usage of semicolons, so...


Quote:
 
She has shoulder length dark-midnight tresses, and playful beaming turquoise eyes.


- no hyphen between "dark" and "midnight". comma after "playful"


Quote:
 
I’m second eldest; I stand 5’10, femininely built with undertone muscles, with firery-red hair, to match my temper at times, that streams down my back, ending at my waist. My eyes are glistening hazel green.


- the two "with"s are a bit redundant. "firery" is "fiery". i would advise getting rid of the last comma "that streams down my back, ending at..." and writing "and" instead. also, i believe you need an "a" before "glistening hazel green", so it'd be "a glistening hazel green". i'm not sure if i'm correct, though, so again, second opinion lol.


Quote:
 
Someone or something was hunting us; and we wanted to know why.


- you definitely do not need a semicolon there. just the "and" would do fine by itself. if you want a pause in the middle before the "and", as i'm assuming you do by the semicolon, i would advise using a comma instead.


Quote:
 
The last thing we need is anonymous murders in the town, the humans will get suspicious.” I nodded in agreement.


- because it's Merissa speaking, and not Arekkusu, the "I nodded in agreement" would be a new paragraph.


Quote:
 
I saw the swift motion as it switched its’ blood red eyes from Chiienn to me, the light showing his extended fangs as it smirked a crooked smile at us.


- apostrophe's in the wrong place on "its'". also, pretty sure that there shouldn't even be an apostrophe there... no, there shouldn't. "its" is what you want. ;) you go from using "its" to "his", and then back to "it". might want to change that. :)


Quote:
 
I concentrated on its’ yellow stained teeth, for if you looked into its’ eyes, you’d be frozen still, like Chiienn.


- "its'", as it turns out, is not a word. "it's" is a contraction of "it is", and a possessive form, meaning "belonging to it" or "of it", is "its" with no apostrophe at all. source: http://www.stormloader.com/garyes/its.html

and again with the "you"s... idk, it seems to work better here. the tone, i think, is much more complimentary to addressing the audience in this part than in the very beginning...

Quote:
 
Back at the house, Arekkusu and Keri were pondering ideas of why anyone would want to track our pack down in particular.


- okie dokie there someone has switched from first person narrative to omnipresent. o_O that's not good... i get that you made the switch to demonstrate certain things, but...no. this type of thing could work, however, the reason it's so out of place in this part is because she's currently staring at this vampire, and she would most likely have no idea what Arekkusu and Keri were doing back at the house. now, if you want to keep this and still make it work, you will need to put a break (the --- or *** break that i mentioned earlier...)


Quote:
 
Back at the house, Arekkusu and Keri were pondering ideas of why anyone would want to track our pack down in particular.


- this seems a bit off. i think it might flow better if the word "down" wasn't in there, but as far as i can tell it works fine the way it is... :shrug:


Quote:
 
snarling claws at our unwelcomed guest.


- o_O can one actually "snarl" claws?


Quote:
 
The creature smirked his crooked smile and licked my blood from his claw, Arekkusu snarled, his canines lengthening, going down on all fours, completing the transformation from human to wolf. He lunged at the creatures head, gnashing his teeth at its’ throat, managing to wound it before being thrown from its body. Arekkusu jumped to his feet, ready to attack, but also ready to protect if need be.


- if ever there was a point for a semi-colin that i could see, it would be in that first sentence. "licked my blood from his claw; Arekkusus snarled". however, i would think that a period would be needed there, and "Arekkusu snarled..." would be a new paragraph... also, need an apostrophe in "creatures", and again with the "its'" ;)


Quote:
 
After his so called introduction, Lord Barbain lunged towards Arekkusu, using speed to his advantage,


- "so called" is a hyphenate. :-P it sounds, in this sentence, as though Lord Barbain is using speed to his advantage to lung towards Arekkusu. i would suggest putting a period instead of a comma after "Arekkusu".


Quote:
 
He smirked back, leaning down, merely inches from my face. I could feel his warm breath on my face, smell his woodsy scent.


- the two "my face"s are redundant. you really don't need the second "my face". "I could feel his warm breath" would suffice. ;)


Quote:
 
“You’ve been out for a week and half straight.”


- how could she know the status of the others if she was out for a week and a half?? (need "a" before "half") is this a week and a half after the week after the Lord Barbain incident? o_O


Quote:
 
And I’m STILL not healed?


- not sure about "STILL" in all caps. maybe italicize? i know why you did it, but...


Quote:
 
‘Has it really been that long? And I’m STILL not healed? What’s wrong with me…? This is taking way too long; usually I’d be healed within a couple days at most!’


- alright, so i'm assuming this is thoughts. if so, then this is fine, except you also italicized thoughts earlier. just so you know. :thumb:


Quote:
 
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, bringing me closer to him, I leaned my head against his shoulder.


- "I leaned my head against his shoulder." different person, different sentence. put a period instead of comma before that part. ;)



Edited by la-vida-loca, Feb 26 2010, 11:15 PM.
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HopefulDreamer91
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Thanks =)
I love to write, my grammar just isn't always too great, neither is my punctuation either apparently. xD Thou I was aware of the indenting, I didn't used to always be able to use a Word file to update my story with, so I'd have to update it directly on here, and it won't let me tap in for a new paragraph.. But I'm going thru and fixing all that now. Thanks a lot for the help!!
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HopefulDreamer91
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I give up on trying to indent the paragraphs... I copied everything into a document and indented it all.. but once i paste it back here they go back how they were.. The bigger paragraphs seem to stay indented, but the smaller ones dont.. =(
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la-vida-loca
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Sometimes I think I was born backwards...
lol don't even worry about indentation on this site. for some reason it never wants to do it. usually, the easiest thing to do is just take out all the indentations. ;) but w/e. i figured it was probably the site's fault haha. :)
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HopefulDreamer91
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xD indeed it was. Hey um.. do you think you could help me with going over the other chapters?? I thought I used to have a best friend for an awesome editor, but he decided to leave me.... And I know I still need help
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