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| Loup Garoux (Lu-Ga-Ru); It's an adventure, a little romance.. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 26 2009, 07:55 PM (1,053 Views) | |
| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 11 2010, 12:27 AM Post #16 |
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Chapter 6 is COMPLETE! TELL ME what you think! =D |
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| Girl-N-Da-Hat | Feb 11 2010, 01:00 AM Post #17 |
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SHWEEET!!!!!! |
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| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 11 2010, 01:31 AM Post #18 |
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Muwahahaha.... |
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| Esaul | Feb 11 2010, 08:23 AM Post #19 |
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Administrator
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Color Code Grammatical error. Incorrect word. Wrong tense. Wrong point of view Run on.
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| Rawr5492 | Feb 11 2010, 05:48 PM Post #20 |
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I'm loving it! and I'm not at Mcdonalds xD <3 keep going Missy! (Its Keri by the way :P) |
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| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 12 2010, 03:18 AM Post #21 |
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Um... Ok??? Where does Mc Donald's come into this?? xD You just confused me!!!! THANKS A LOT! =P YAY, Keri.. I love you =) |
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| Rawr5492 | Feb 12 2010, 03:55 AM Post #22 |
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Haha it doesn't take much ![]() Keep up the good work |
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| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 12 2010, 03:55 AM Post #23 |
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NVM!! GOTCHA!!! After you explained it.... xD |
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| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 12 2010, 04:12 AM Post #24 |
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Chapter 7 Merisa's Dream Everything was dark. I could see silhouette's of figures all around me, but they were blurry. I could hear voices, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. "She won't help us willingly, you do realize this don't you." "It doesn't have to be willingly, after all, I'm sure there's at least one weakness we could find to.. persuade her to do what we want." "Yes, but I thought we wanted her to join us, she would be a very good addition to our plans, and after all.. She is family.." I could recognize those voices, but I couldn't put a face the them... 'Why can't I remember??... Wait... Mekichi?.. Who's he talking to? What're they talking about?' Their voices became distant, and the room started to get brighter, "Wait! I don't understand!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I woke up and I was in a familiar bed, but it wasn’t my own. 'Why.. Why does it feel like I’ve felt this way before?' I looked around and I realized, I was in a hospital bed. My heart started to race. Frantically, I pulled the covers from my legs. My leg was in a cast. Images of that dream can back to me, that person on the path I had encountered, it had been Mekichi… And why I was in the hospital was from the fight… ‘The fight… Chiienn…’ Silently I wept. In my dreams, Chiienn had always been the one by my side. She had been so happy to see me alive and well… Why had that not been the reality? ‘Was Arekku right? Is that some new power… If so.. Why was it different then all my dreams.. What if… What if something changed the out come?… If so.. What is it…’ I tried sitting up, but hissed at the significant amount of pain that inflicted upon my body. Tears continued to slip down my face. 'Chiienn...' I shook my head and winced at the pain it caused. Brushing away the tears I realized something else that was different from my dreams, my leg was in a cast, but my arm wasn’t. ‘Not that I’m not happy about that, but why is that different as well?’ I sighed. Looking around the room I noticed Keri, in wolf form, was asleep on the floor on the right side of my bed and Taki was sitting in a chair directly to my left. He was bent over the bed, head resting against my thigh. I smiled and stroked his hair, he stirred and looked up at me. A big grin spread across his face, "I knew you wouldn't die on me." He squeezed my hand. Keri's ears twitched, she raised her head to look up at me. Her eyes filled instantly with joy as she bolted from the floor to my side, licking my cheek. I laughed softly, petting the top of her head. "It's good to see you too Keri." 'Oh I'm so happy that you're alive!!! I've missed you so much!! When Army-Neko came to get me and told me that you'd been hurt I was so scared.' Her face drooped, 'I can't believe Chiienn would do that to you.. To us! How could she betray us like that?' A soft growl emitted from deep within Keri's throat. I patted Keri's head softly, "It'll be okay." I looked out the window, a hardened expression overtaking my facial features. My eyes a deep blue storm. "She's decided her fate." I looked back to Taki. "We have no choice but to take her down, along with Mekichi." He nodded curtly. But then I turned uncertain, “Taki… What if.. What if she was tricked?” He gave me a skeptical look. “I think she made herself very clear about how she wanted to kill you.” I shook my head. “No I mean.. What if, it wasn’t really her?” “Now you’re not making any sense. I think the medicine is having an effect on your thinking process. Maybe you should sleep some more.” “I’m not crazy!” I sighed. “Arekkusu and I came to the conclusion that I’m… Psychic or something.. I’m not sure.. I used to always have this weird dream, where I’d see Mekichi, then I’d end up in the hospital. Except, I could never see that it was Mekichi or how I ended up in the hospital. My wounds, how I feel, are almost all exactly how they were in that dream. Except two things, in the dream my arm was in a cast as well..” I trailed off, refusing to look at Corataka. “You said two things.. That’s one, what was the other thing?” He said softly, placing his hand over mine. I took a deep breath and looked at him. “Chiienn was the one at my side. She was the same she has always been. My best friend, she was so concerned for me… I don’t understand… If we’re right and this is some new power of mine, then why isn’t this out come the same as it always has been in my dreams?” He was silent for a few minutes, “So, do you think someone made it change somehow?” I shook my head. “I’m not sure.. Maybe?” I looked at him hopefully. “It’s just so confusing…” I sighed, turning my attention to Keri. I’d forgotten she was in the room with us. "Hey, how's Arekku doing?" She lowered her head, ears drooping back, flat against her head. 'He still hasn't woken up yet. I hear he did an awesome job fending off the other four rouges! But, he took a lot of damage.' I nod my head and laid back against the pillows, my thoughts consumed by instant replays of my fight with Mekichi and Chiienn. Corataka had scooted me over so he could rest next to me. Since the bed was so small he opted for turning wolf so I could lay comfortably. I absent-minded-ly ran my fingers through his fur. I could feel a tightness on my neck. Gingerly, with my free hand, I touched my neck, my fingers caress a series of maybe ten stitches running horizontally across my throat. 'That's right... Chiienn sliced open my throat..' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mekichi paces back and forth in a dimly-lit room. Growling to himself, he stops to glare at Chiienn's unconscious form on the floor. "We almost had her!" He snaps. "You insignificant fool.. You let her slip through our fingers." His rant is interrupted by the door opening, he snarls, "Who dares barge in here-" He turns to stare down the poor sap who dare enter without knocking, but his facial expression quickly turns to one of terror. Swiftly he kneels and bows his head, "Forgive me. I was not expecting you, Master." The figure is silhouetted, only an evil glint in his eye is visible. "Rise, my son." (((((((((((((((((((((((((CLIFFY!!!! Haha.. All I have for the moment.. I might add more to Ch.7 before I'm satisfied with it enough to start Ch.8 But for now, I am done.)))))))))))))))))))))))) Edited by HopefulDreamer91, Feb 27 2010, 07:11 PM.
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| Rawr5492 | Feb 12 2010, 05:54 PM Post #25 |
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Aww...what happens???
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| la-vida-loca | Feb 26 2010, 11:02 PM Post #26 |
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Sometimes I think I was born backwards...
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Alright, I gots some corrections for you for the first chapter. i'll get on the second as soon as i can, but i'm not sure when that will be... anywho, Chapter 1:
- that was a good book. xD
- not sure about "this story is, it's been". the "is, it's" just doesn't feel right, but maybe that's just me... - didn't indent at the beginning of this paragraph like you did in the others, just a heads up. :P you do that several times through the whole story...
- now, Microsoft Word doesn't seem to care either way, but could the second semi-colon be replaced with a comma? two semi colons like that just seems odd... but then again, i don't use semi-colons often enough to say anything with any authority haha...
- in "and you could never", the "you" seems out of place. i think it's just the feel i get from the previous sentences, but this story, although a first-person narrative, doesn't seem like one of the stories in which the audience is directly addressed. usually, those types of stories pertain to something... different than the vibe i'm getting from the first few sentences. idk, addressing the reader directly gives this a whole different feeling that what is set up by the first few sentences. but if it's a narration by you (see below), then it probably works, it's just not usually seen...
- this whole part is a little odd. firstly, what i mentioned above. then, there's the whole "like yours or mine". the first person narrator is a werewolf, so would the "mine" work there? i get that they look like humans but that's a little unclear... then there's the "Well, lets find out..." first of all, "lets" needs an apostrophe because it's "let us", and secondly, this makes it sound like you, not your character, is beginning this story. that's a bit...odd, for a story. not unheard of, but, typically, if the narrator is the author, then the character is not in first person, unless the part where the author narrates is clearly labeled as an intro or something. if it's an intro that you're going for, as i'm now assuming it is, then you need an indicator, like --- or some other interruption between this paragraph and the next one...
- "have" just doesn't sound right there... :/ i'd say either put "did" or "had", but i'm not sure about "have".
- i agree with Esual on this one. no pronunciations in stories.
- no hyphen between "short" and "soft".
- no hyphen between "long" and "silky"
- you have a large abundance of semicolons. are they all really needed? i think you could get away with a comma after "pack", but i don't know much about the usage of semicolons, so...
- no hyphen between "dark" and "midnight". comma after "playful"
- the two "with"s are a bit redundant. "firery" is "fiery". i would advise getting rid of the last comma "that streams down my back, ending at..." and writing "and" instead. also, i believe you need an "a" before "glistening hazel green", so it'd be "a glistening hazel green". i'm not sure if i'm correct, though, so again, second opinion lol.
- you definitely do not need a semicolon there. just the "and" would do fine by itself. if you want a pause in the middle before the "and", as i'm assuming you do by the semicolon, i would advise using a comma instead.
- because it's Merissa speaking, and not Arekkusu, the "I nodded in agreement" would be a new paragraph.
- apostrophe's in the wrong place on "its'". also, pretty sure that there shouldn't even be an apostrophe there... no, there shouldn't. "its" is what you want. you go from using "its" to "his", and then back to "it". might want to change that. ![]()
- "its'", as it turns out, is not a word. "it's" is a contraction of "it is", and a possessive form, meaning "belonging to it" or "of it", is "its" with no apostrophe at all. source: http://www.stormloader.com/garyes/its.html and again with the "you"s... idk, it seems to work better here. the tone, i think, is much more complimentary to addressing the audience in this part than in the very beginning...
- okie dokie there someone has switched from first person narrative to omnipresent. o_O that's not good... i get that you made the switch to demonstrate certain things, but...no. this type of thing could work, however, the reason it's so out of place in this part is because she's currently staring at this vampire, and she would most likely have no idea what Arekkusu and Keri were doing back at the house. now, if you want to keep this and still make it work, you will need to put a break (the --- or *** break that i mentioned earlier...)
- this seems a bit off. i think it might flow better if the word "down" wasn't in there, but as far as i can tell it works fine the way it is... ![]()
- o_O can one actually "snarl" claws?
- if ever there was a point for a semi-colin that i could see, it would be in that first sentence. "licked my blood from his claw; Arekkusus snarled". however, i would think that a period would be needed there, and "Arekkusu snarled..." would be a new paragraph... also, need an apostrophe in "creatures", and again with the "its'" ![]()
- "so called" is a hyphenate. it sounds, in this sentence, as though Lord Barbain is using speed to his advantage to lung towards Arekkusu. i would suggest putting a period instead of a comma after "Arekkusu".
- the two "my face"s are redundant. you really don't need the second "my face". "I could feel his warm breath" would suffice. ![]()
- how could she know the status of the others if she was out for a week and a half?? (need "a" before "half") is this a week and a half after the week after the Lord Barbain incident? o_O
- not sure about "STILL" in all caps. maybe italicize? i know why you did it, but...
- alright, so i'm assuming this is thoughts. if so, then this is fine, except you also italicized thoughts earlier. just so you know. ![]()
- "I leaned my head against his shoulder." different person, different sentence. put a period instead of comma before that part. ![]() Edited by la-vida-loca, Feb 26 2010, 11:15 PM.
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| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 27 2010, 05:08 PM Post #27 |
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Thanks =) I love to write, my grammar just isn't always too great, neither is my punctuation either apparently. xD Thou I was aware of the indenting, I didn't used to always be able to use a Word file to update my story with, so I'd have to update it directly on here, and it won't let me tap in for a new paragraph.. But I'm going thru and fixing all that now. Thanks a lot for the help!! |
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| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 27 2010, 06:18 PM Post #28 |
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I give up on trying to indent the paragraphs... I copied everything into a document and indented it all.. but once i paste it back here they go back how they were.. The bigger paragraphs seem to stay indented, but the smaller ones dont.. =( |
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| la-vida-loca | Feb 28 2010, 12:48 PM Post #29 |
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Sometimes I think I was born backwards...
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lol don't even worry about indentation on this site. for some reason it never wants to do it. usually, the easiest thing to do is just take out all the indentations. but w/e. i figured it was probably the site's fault haha.
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| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 28 2010, 11:00 PM Post #30 |
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xD indeed it was. Hey um.. do you think you could help me with going over the other chapters?? I thought I used to have a best friend for an awesome editor, but he decided to leave me.... And I know I still need help |
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9:00 AM Jul 11
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you go from using "its" to "his", and then back to "it". might want to change that. 

it sounds, in this sentence, as though Lord Barbain is using speed to his advantage to lung towards Arekkusu. i would suggest putting a period instead of a comma after "Arekkusu". 

9:00 AM Jul 11