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| The Dead Girl....; My dream/Subconsious Creation | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Feb 10 2010, 07:41 PM (430 Views) | |
| Girl-N-Da-Hat | Feb 10 2010, 07:41 PM Post #1 |
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Okay, So my actual dream is the second section of this post. I have created the beginning and I'm still working on it. It needs a lot of work. Suggestions will be helpful, I'm still brainstorming. I kind of know where I want to go with this. But other ideas would be be amazing. Thanks everyone who takes the time to read this, and please tell me what you think and any comments let me know. You can send me a message in my inbox too, whatever works for you!Legend has it that there is another world parallel to ours. This is where the paranormal exists as well as something else. Something dark and sinister. You've all heard the tales of vampires and werewolves. What you haven't heard about are the Night-walkers. They are able to pass between the two worlds but only during the night. They daylight paralyzes them so if they are in our world for too long they will be temporarily paralyzed. There are some, that posses the ability to store energy so that they may rise during the day. They communicate telepathically through your own thoughts, so they may be talking to you and you'd never know. But you want to know the creepiest part of all? All of the Night-walkers are children, and they lure children like me and you and take them to their world until they turn into one of them! Everyone looked wide-eyed at me as I told the story. "WAHHHHHHH!!!" Levi jumped out from behind the door scaring everyone. Levi and I laughed as everyone nearly jumped out of their skin. "Levi!" Sarah screamed, "that was mean!!" "I know," he laughed, "but Emmy has you guys as pale as a sheet!" It was the weekend and a couple of my friends from school had come over to stay the night. Levi and I had decided it was time to tell them the story Dad used to tell us when we were younger. It was spooky but we had heard it so many times that it no longer scared us. "And you must remember one thing, if you ever find yourself in the world of the Night-walkers, never, ever knock on the doors." "Hmph... and why not?!" Sarah asked indignantly. I shrugged. "I don't know!, It's just a story!" I said laughing a little. "Bedtime!" Dad hollered from down the hall. "Alright...." I groaned. Levi went to his room and we all went to bed on the pallet I had made for us. That night I had a dream about a girl who had been violently murdered. I saw her dead body laying by a fence, much like our own, but while she laid there her soul whispered to me, "help me, let my soul rest". The voice was pleading and desperate. I awoke in a cold sweat, the sun was shinning pretty high in the sky and the morning birds had already stop chirping their morning song. My friends had already gone to go eat breakfast so I sat in my room and pondered my dream. It had felt so real. I had know myself to have premonition like dreams so I looked out my window that looked out over the lane that lead from our house to the main road. Nothing, or should I say, no one was out there. "Hmmm..." I thought out loud. I jumped up and shrugged it off. "What a weird dream..." I thought to myself. I went down to go eat breakfast with my friends and then went outside to play before their Mom's came to pick them up. ******************************************************* Levi and I were sitting on the porch watching as Sarah's Mom drove away. I wanted to tell him about my dream but I didn't know how. "Let's go check the mail," I suggested. "Okay!' Levi said jumping up. We started off down the lane kicking at the gravel, I don't know what I was expecting, maybe to see a dead body laying somewhere along the fence or something. I just didn't know, but what I did know was that my dream had left me with a weird cold feeling. I decided to tell Levi about my dream while we walked. "That's creepy, Emmy." He said when I finished. By now we had already gotten the mail and was on our way back to the house. "Yeah I know," I said trailing off. I could see something off to the left. It looked like a towel or something laying next to the fence. My mind started racing weighing the possibilities of it really being a body, surely it was just some poor abandoned towel right? "Levi..." I said in almost a whisper, "Do you see that over there?" I pointed in the direction of the mystery object. "Uhm yeah... what is that?!" he said puzzled. "I have a bad feeling that it's nothing good." I said as he walked toward the fence. "Oh my god!" Levi said, "It's a girl!" he reached down to check if she was breathing, "I think she's dead..." I looked down, dismayed by my prediction, by what my dream suggested. I walked to look at the body just to see if it was what I had thought all a long. "It's her" I said. "What?" "The girl from my dream, it's her..." I walked away, stunned and in a fog, "we need to tell Dad." Levi and I somberly walked back towards the house, it was only about a ten minute walk but for some reason this walk felt like an eternity. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so down about it. I felt like I knew the girl but I knew that was just because I saw her murder in my dream. When we made it back to the house I had Levi go find Dad and I just sat down on the porch feeling terrible, like my heart had shattered. I felt the girl's loss and I mourned the loss of her life, as if I was mourning it with her. "Hey kid!" Dad said coming out of the house, "what's going on, Levi said you had something to tell me" "yeah, I do. We found a body by the fence." I said emotionless. "You what?" "I had a dream, about a girl being murdered last night and when I woke up I had a really weird feeling about it, and when Levi and I went to go check the mail we found her...." I said trailing off almost on the verge of tears. I couldn't shake this feeling, it was like I was emotionally connected with the dead girl. "Emmy, EMMY!, It's okay." I was nearly in hysterics now, and I was only getting more and more scared. Dad picked me up and held me until I calmed down. "Show me where she's at, then I'll call the police and tell them, okay?" "okay," I said exhausted from the raw emotion of it all. (I don't know what's going here yet) I was at the grocery store when I saw it. It was in the newspaper, the headline read "Shiniqua" and had a picture of the girl me and my little brother had discovered out by our far fence that boarder the corn fields. We had seen people come and go to investigate the dead girl but for some reason they never took her away, they just left her to lay out there and rot. It had been a week since we had found her and her body was still laying out there. Me and my brother and our father were sitting in the back of the truck looking out on her and talking about who she may be and what had happened to her and why, but none of us had any ideas really. Father said he had to get back to picking the yard up and for us to go play. We went to sit on the porch to talk about the dead girl some more and then decided to go look at her and see how much she had decomposed by now. We has started walking to where she lay, it was about a fourth of a mile walk. When we got there we discovered something very unusual. She had been laying out there for quite a few days and yet she didn't smell and hadn't decomposed a bit! We noticed that the investigators had taken part of the fence that had been covered in some of her blood. Also her body hadn't moved one bit. My little brother found a rake and moved her body, she seemed very dead. Rigger had set in even, but the ground underneath her was perfectly clean and no bugs had tried to feast on her. "Don't disturb her body!" I had urged my brother as I left. Creeped out I went to sit in the back of the truck again. "Hey Kiddo" Father said as i jumped in the truck. "Hey Dad...." "What's up? Where's your brother?" "That girl gives me the creeps, he's out there lookin' at her" "Oh I see, Why does she give you the creeps?" I was just about to tell him but the dead girls body was hurling towards us and landed in the back of the truck where we were sitting. "Oh My God!!" I screamed as she was flying in our direction. After the initial scare passed a little I moved a little closer to the girl. I couldn't believe my brother had thrown her all this way nor did I know why. But I did know that the dead girl was right in front of me and my little brother was now running this way. I reached out to touch the girl when suddenly she open her eyes and looked at me. "Help me" she croaked. I screamed reeling backwards and hid behind my father, I heard him whisper something but I wasn't really listening. My brother jumped in the back of the truck and started wailing on the girl screaming, "DIE Devil Girl DIE!!!" Then it hit me as I truely realized she was alive. "It's alive?!" I screamed panicked. Then she opened her eyes again and looked me dead in the eye and smiled a devilish grin. I started hitting her with my hands but she started blocking my attacks as she started to seem like she was becoming more and more alive. Then she started blocking my brothers attacks as well and she seemed to become very angry. Then she screamed, "Give me whole or take half!!!" Then she started to try to attack us she was about to get a blow on me when my brother brought down a shovel on her head splitting her skull nearly in half. She fell out of the truck from the blow and laid limply on the ground. We breathed a sigh of relief, and turned away when suddenly we heard a gurgling noise, she was still alive and laughing. My little brother then grabbed a hand gun and started shooting her, I grabbed ahold of him and held him in the far corner of the truck and grabbed hold of my fathers hand as she started to climb over the side of the truck. Then my brother shot his last shot and she went limp. He still had his hand out but I had seem that he had actually missed her head and realized she was faking so I grabbed his arm and pulled him farther away from the girl and tightened my grip on father's hand. Seconds went by and then it happened, she came after us screaming and laughing. "You shall take HALF!!!!" The world started slipping away into a dark hellish world a like our own and then she was gone but Father was getting farther away and my grip on his hand was slipping. "You must ask them for forgiveness" he said. "What are we looking for?!" I pleaded and then I remembered what he had whispered. Nightwalkers. "Remember," he said, "don't knock on any doors!" "Yes Father, I promise we'll come back! Both of us!" Then he was gone too. *********************************************************************** "Nikolas, go to bed." "Yes, Mommy." Little Nikolas, was climbing into bed when his mother heard a knock at the door. She went to go check who was there. What she saw was completely unexplainable! "I said DON'T knock on the door!" She saw two little kids, they looked vacant and on the brink of death. The girl was maybe ten and the little boy was perhaps seven. Nikolas' mother initially wanted to help them but then an unexplainable hatred overwhelmed her and she wanted them gone! I grabbed my little brother by the hair cause pain seemed to be the only way to keep life in him. "Run!" I screamed We started running and the woman who had answered the door started chasing after us. "Faster!" I pleaded he needed to go faster. "Go for the wooded area," I told him, "we can lose her there." I pushed him a little to make him go faster and then turned around to tackle the woman but I failed and she kept running after my brother. So I got back up and ran as fast and as hard as I could towards the wooded area. I knew I had to find my brother before she did. Edited by Girl-N-Da-Hat, Feb 11 2010, 06:43 AM.
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| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 10 2010, 07:45 PM Post #2 |
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xD NICE!!! I got you to join WD!! HEY LOOK WILL!!.... I got a recruit xP And Keep up the good work Andi!!! I wanna see what you do to continue this as a story =P |
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| Girl-N-Da-Hat | Feb 10 2010, 07:51 PM Post #3 |
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*Big cheezy smiley face* |
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| Esaul | Feb 11 2010, 05:48 AM Post #4 |
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Administrator
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Before I read, do you want me to be critical or just give you a general idea of what I think? |
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| Girl-N-Da-Hat | Feb 11 2010, 06:46 AM Post #5 |
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First I want your general idea, then I would like you to make me almost hate you, lol. I'm gonna need all the help and constructive criticism I can get. I want this to go somewhere
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| HopefulDreamer91 | Feb 11 2010, 07:03 AM Post #6 |
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Then Will is your man =) haha |
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| Girl-N-Da-Hat | Feb 11 2010, 07:07 AM Post #7 |
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HA HA i hope so
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| Esaul | Feb 11 2010, 07:34 AM Post #8 |
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Administrator
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Okay, so the deal is I will read it once, post what I think about it in a general way...then I will pick out anything I find...xD |
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| Girl-N-Da-Hat | Feb 11 2010, 04:23 PM Post #9 |
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Sounds great! |
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| la-vida-loca | Feb 16 2010, 01:37 PM Post #10 |
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Sometimes I think I was born backwards...
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well, i've just read this... and i've got some corrections for you. i'm going to start with the "almost hating you" part cause i find that after almost hating, the compliments of general ideas tend to act as a soothing aloe haha. anyway: -Use quotation marks in the first long paragraph/explanation about the Night-Walkers. Since Emmy is telling the story, it would be a quote. -"w" in walkers should be capitalized, too.
- put a comma after "worlds"
- "They" should be "The", comma after "them" and before "so", comma between "long" and "they". "paralyzes" and "temporarily paralyzed" is redundant. try a different word for the second part of the sentence.
-no comma after "some".
- "telepathically" and "through your own thoughts" are redundant. i'd suggest getting rid of "through your own thoughts". i just don't understand what the second part is saying. you're unaware that they're talking to you, is that it? even though they are? perhaps try to clear that up a little... and, by saying "through your own thoughts", is that saying that they're the voice in your head, or that they mimic the voice in your head, or that they just plain take over and you don't realize it? or something else that i've missed entirely?
- firstly, evil children are creepy. secondly, the last part of this sentence has too many forms of "them" to be easily discerned. i mean, i get what it's saying, but it could be read two ways: the Night-Walkers take the children until the children are turned into Night-Walkers, or, the Night-Walkers take the children until the Night-Walkers turn into Night-Walkers. i don't want to make an elephant out of a mouse, but just know that that's there. ![]()
- need a comma after Levi jumps out from behind the door.
- not sure about this one. when i look at it, i feel like it should be "skins", since there's more than one person, but, it also seems right left as "skin". Microsoft Word doesn't seem to care, so that's a whatever lol.
- hhmm, how do i put this? well, i feel it important to tell you that i am not a huge fan of similes, and thusly, i don't really feel they do much for any story, but that is JUST a personal preference that has been neutralized for this next comment: pale as a sheet just seems a bit... odd. what if the sheet was purple? i'd say, keep the simile, change the pale object.
- comma after "I said"
- not sure if "laid" is the right word there... "her soul whispered to me" and "let my soul rest." the double-soul is redundant. also, i believe the first letter of the first word in quotes would be capitalized...
- the sun does not shin. "shining" is what you're looking for, i believe. also, i'm a bit iffy about the morning birds singing their morning song. i like the purposeful redundance, but at the same time... it's redundant haha. ^_^
- don't need "go". "gone" already pretty much covers it.
- "known" instead of "know". i believe "premonition like" would be "premonition-like", and "lead" would be "led".
- "Mom's" shouldn't have an apostrophe, as it is plural, not possessive. During the sleep over, you make it seem as though there is a whole group of friends, but we only ever hear from or about Sarah. :/
- comma before "jumping up" and also, minor typo, your second quotation mark. ![]()
- dunno if "said" is the right word after an exclamation. also, comma before "puzzled
- "w" in "we" needs to be capitalized.
- pretty sure no one would just walk. i'd be booking it if i found a dead body. especially if i'd seen it before in a dream. but i digress... um, it's a dead body, feeling down about it is probably natural. although freaked or just plain stunned are also common emotions. and, not to get too technical, here, but the character didn't really see the murder, according to the earlier part of the story. just the dead body. heads-up for ya, there. ![]()
- loss twice is a little redundant. i like the end of the sentence, though, very nice.
- "yeah" should be capitalized. comma before "emotionless"
- comma after "said" and "off". also, too many periods. and I'm not 100% sure if one can be almost on the verge of tears, so i would eliminate "almost"
- not sure about this sentence. on the one hand, it works. but it's a bit...clunky. might flow better by eliminating the "it was" and just go right from "this feeling" to "like I was emotionally..."
- capitalize "o" in "okay", comma after "said"
- very short headline. :/ very unusual headline. usually, names are not put in as headlines, except in obituaries, which are not clearly visible while walking around a grocery store. unless that's the name of the paper, in which case, it wouldn't be called the headline. also, need an "ed" on the end of "boarder"
- this is tricky. if you want the story to be realistic, i would recommend giving a reason as to why the body was not removed, as it would have been. if this takes place in "corn country" (for lack of a better term... *winces*) which is what i'm led to believe in this paragraph, then any number of things could be holding the crime lab, or police or whoever take the body for investigation, up. PM me if you need help brainstorming these, or we can discuss that here, whichever. however, if you want this story to have a bit less realistic feel... i would still suggest at least a vague reason as to why she's still there. any murder is usually taken for autopsy and things after the crime scene is documented.
- "Me, my brother and my father" would flow a little better, methinks, even though, to be grammatically correct, it'd have to be: "My brother, my father, and I". also, you switch from using "dad" to "father" in this part.
- ew. hmm, how can they be looking out on her, if she's a ten minute walk from their house, and then go to sit on the porch? they'd have to walk quite a while.
- now i'm uber confused. first, "has" should be "had", but you don't even really need "had" there. secondly... i got, from the beginning of this paragraph that they were like, right at the scene, maybe a bit away. but here, it seems like they had picked up the newspaper and were looking at it at home? if so, they wouldn't be wondering about who she was unless the people in the newspapers didn't know her identity, in which case, her name wouldn't be in the headline, or even in the newspaper, and probably the only picture that would be available would be one from the crime scene, which they wouldn't publish in the newspaper. now, if she was a missing persons case who had been missing for a while, they could be wondering about what her life was like after the kidnapping. that could be possible. but, because, at the beginning of the paragraph it was stated that they were all "looking out on", it gives the notion that they're nearby and can actually see her. do you see what i'm saying or have i talked myself into a black hole from which there is no return? ![]()
- comma after "also".
- haha to the "she seemed very dead". why/where was there a rake nearby? o.O
- what is "Rigger"? i'm assuming it has to do with decomposition... oh, okay, found it: rigor mortis? might want to explain that a bit within the story if you're going to include it. ![]()
- comma after "creeped out"
- not sure "Kiddo" should be capitalized. "i" needs to be capitalized. ![]()
- period instead of a comma
- hmm. i would put "'Oh My God!!' I screamed as she was flying in our direction." right after "I was just about to tell him". bascially, the new structure would look like this: "I was just about to tell him, when- 'Oh my God!!' I screamed, as the dead girl's body came hurling towards us and landed on the back of the truck, where we were sitting." however, i would get rid of "where we were sitting", because it was stated that they are/were "in" the truck, which suggests in the front seat, enclosed within the truck type of "in". if they were sitting on the truck bed, then the word you would want to use in place of "in" would be "on". also, if a dead body were hurling at them, and they realized it, the probably would be jumping around a bit to try and avoid the body.
- after "screamed", put a comma.
- again we hit "in" vs. "on". according to this, visually, I see Levi shoving and/or (depending on the size of the truck) pulling open the tiny door and getting inside the truck. now, since you probably want him on the truck bed, "on" would be the better word choice, there.
- "then it hit me" and "as I truly realized" mean essentially the same thing. so, they're redundant. also, "truely" doesn't have an "e". ![]()
- too many eyes. "looked at me", although lacks the pun of "dead in the eye", flows a bit beter.
- too many "started"s. also, if Emmy's hiding behind her dad, what's he doing? and if she isn't...still, what is he doing?
- too many "then"s at the beginning of paragraphs. this is the third in a row. I recommend eliminating this one and just staring with "She started". also, perhaps a word other than started. also, after "a gurgling noise", a period would be a little more effective for the next blow. and where on earth did he get the shovel?? o_O
- whoa! stop the presses, where did he get a hand gun??? o_O also, there should be an apostrophe in "fathers", because it's possessive.
- don't need "a" after "world". unless you were going for "a lot like our own", in which case, you forgot "lot" ![]()
- the fact that he said "them" implies that she would be looking for a "who", not a "what". just something to consider. also, you spelled "Nightwalkers" differently here then you did at the beginning...
- no comma.
- period or comma after "pleaded."
- why would she keep after the brother if the girl was right there? just a technical issue to consider, unless you already have, lol. ah, excellent! the age of Emmy explains a lot, and makes a few things easier. for example, the mention of how they hadn't moved her body: you'll still need a reason, but because of the age, you can make it extremely vague. also, because of the age, the want to see the dead body makes much more sense, but the lack of uncertainty or fear when it wakes up and attacks them might need to be adressed a bit more... ...would a ten year old know what rigor mortis is? i could see if her dad was a mortician or something, or had been one and stopped when he had children, she would pick up on the terminology. But, since i'm assuming her dad isn't or wasn't, then perhaps she wouldn't use the word, just the description. like "the body was stiff (immovable, petrified, or any words of the like...)" instead of "Rigger had set in even". one thing that truly throws the story off-kilter is where they are in the second part. it's established that they're on the truck, but where is the truck? and, since Levi gets his hands on a rake and a shovel, it's assumed that those are in truck bed as well. This makes me think they're for the yard work, which is good, but it might need to be a bit more explicitly stated that the dad had all his tools for working on the yard in the back of the truck. also, i'm just completely confused by the hand gun. but, back to the truck's location. is it at their house, or near the where the dead girl is? i couldn't really tell. it seems like it's close to the dead girl, if Emmy thinks that her brother pushed the corpse, and especially if he's only seven. but, since, earlier, it was stated that they were on their porch and their dad was nearby with the truck, then the children decided to go see the cadaver. did their father follow them with the truck? or, was the truck like, in the middle, between the house and the corpse, and the children just wander back and forth? that could use a little cleaning up... otherwise, this is a pretty interesting story so far! it's a good idea, and pretty creepy, and i hope you continue it.
Edited by la-vida-loca, Feb 20 2010, 08:06 PM.
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| Girl-N-Da-Hat | Feb 17 2010, 06:44 AM Post #11 |
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Thank you very much for the corrections and suggestions. The reason the second part has so many kinks in because it is a dream. The boy threw the body actually because, I haven't added this yet, but they have the ability to posses. Also, I didn't take into consideration of the average 10 year old child, I had a large vocabulary as a child so I knew what rigger-mortise was at a young age, only because science was very intriguing to me. Also the term Night-Walkers was coined in my dream but it don't sound original. So I'm working on a new name I'm open to suggestions. One last thing, in my dream, idk why yet, but the woman was after the boy (who is my brother actually) and not really me. Also! I have a killer twist and Im just dying to figure out how to put it in There will be more and on a day I have more time I will definitely work on those corrections. Thanks again!!
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| Girl-N-Da-Hat | Feb 17 2010, 06:46 AM Post #12 |
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Btw, my twist in the story will explain while the father did absolutely NOTHING while the girl was attacking the children, or well....why he COULDN'T... He He.. Maybe that will get you wondering
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| LionHeart | Feb 20 2010, 07:48 PM Post #13 |
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Entropy
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Well, Loca covered a lot, but I'm going to throw my pile of bricks in there too. The premise is fine, the idea has merit and you can do a lot with it. You're off to a good start and you've established your characters, setting, etc. pretty well. However, overall it feels awkward. The dialog especially is almost painful. Make it more natural and it will flow better and be more believable. There are small spelling and grammar mistakes peppered in there, so either run a spelling and grammar check on it or find an editor to look it over for you. (rigor mortis, for example. you spelled it wrong and it drove me crazy!) Some of the word choice is a bit awkward too, doesn't seem to suit the characters very well. If they're the average ordinary teenager they need to talk like one. If they're anything otherwise, explain why it is so. Even though you may have a stunning vocabulary your characters might not. If they do the readers need to know why. Just give the story more character development, really delve into them and their personalities. Anyway, just keep writing, keep trying, and you'll get better. I was an appalling writer when I first started, probably far worse than you. ![]() And keep in mind that I am a grammar Nazi and an English major, so I tend to rip things apart when I read them. |
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| Girl-N-Da-Hat | Feb 20 2010, 09:43 PM Post #14 |
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lol thank you very much! I will be going through this shortly to get all the corrections right, and as you noticed, dialogue is my absolute worst ability. It doesn't help that I am terrible at communicating in the first place, but to then figure out how to communicate between make believe characters, whew, it's gonna be a challenge! Thanks again for your input!! It's much appreciated. |
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| LionHeart | Feb 21 2010, 03:23 AM Post #15 |
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Entropy
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No problem, glad to help. Dialog is hard for me too. If it helps, you could try actually having the conversation out loud when you no one can hear you and think you're crazy. If it sounds natural and flows well when you say it, then it works. |
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8:59 AM Jul 11
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But other ideas would be be amazing. Thanks everyone who takes the time to read this, and please tell me what you think and any comments let me know. You can send me a message in my inbox too, whatever works for you!



secondly, the last part of this sentence has too many forms of "them" to be easily discerned. i mean, i get what it's saying, but it could be read two ways: the Night-Walkers take the children until the children are turned into Night-Walkers, or, the Night-Walkers take the children until the Night-Walkers turn into Night-Walkers. i don't want to make an elephant out of a mouse, but just know that that's there.
"shining" is what you're looking for, i believe.

it's a good idea, and pretty creepy, and i hope you continue it. 
8:59 AM Jul 11