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| Magic | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 3 2007, 03:32 PM (247 Views) | |
| Naruto91 | Dec 3 2007, 03:32 PM Post #1 |
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A Creator of Azryen
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MAGIC Magic, It's a changing thing. You hear it as the ocean sings. You see it in a child's eyes, Or as a cloud rolls across the sky. You taste in your homemade cake, Or in a pie you helped to make. You smell it as the flowers grow, Or as a candle dies, so slow. Magic, It can wear a mask. Finding it can be a task, But if you're lucky, like so few. The magic is inside of you. |
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| Esaul | Dec 3 2007, 03:34 PM Post #2 |
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Administrator
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i REMEMBER THIS ONE! Cool what you did to the title xD Too bad it never got into teen ink |
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| Naruto91 | Dec 3 2007, 03:45 PM Post #3 |
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A Creator of Azryen
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Tell me about, and I'm not gonna be modest and come right out and say it. My poem is soooo much better than some of the ones in that magazine! |
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| Esaul | Dec 3 2007, 03:47 PM Post #4 |
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Administrator
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Yeah you got a point |
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| la-vida-loca | Dec 3 2007, 06:23 PM Post #5 |
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Sometimes I think I was born backwards...
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rolls right off the tongue, good work Naruto.
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| Naruto91 | Dec 4 2007, 12:04 AM Post #6 |
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A Creator of Azryen
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I don't write a poem unless it rhymes. I sooo hate poems that don't rhyme. No offense to those who like that kind of writing, but it just doesn't... roll off the tongue. And thanks for the comments. |
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| la-vida-loca | Dec 4 2007, 12:08 AM Post #7 |
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Sometimes I think I was born backwards...
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mm, i know the feeling. sometimes they're okay but other times it's just annoying (again, no offense to anyone) and ur welcome. |
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| Ben Zwycky | Dec 4 2007, 06:50 PM Post #8 |
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Fearsome Fleet Leader :D
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Lines 4 and 5 are slightly out of sync, they have 9 and 7 syllables, whereas all the others have 8, and this could be easily fixed, thus: instead of
put Or as clouds roll across the sky. You taste it in your homemade cake, then it has exactly the same rhythm and flow as the other lines, the meaning is not changed in any significant way (one cloud becomes clouds) and it's grammatically correct. Sorry to be picky, but IMO this would make it perfect (it is very good as it is). |
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| Naruto91 | Dec 4 2007, 10:50 PM Post #9 |
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A Creator of Azryen
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Wow, thank you for that, I would never have noticed. I really enjoy the feedback I am getting and do agree with your suggestion. |
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| Ben Zwycky | Dec 9 2007, 01:27 PM Post #10 |
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Fearsome Fleet Leader :D
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glad I could help, especially when there's a simple solution
Though the image of a single cloud rolling across the sky is more powerful and emotive than of multiple clouds or clouds in general doing so, I hope it's not too big a loss
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| Riss | Dec 11 2007, 03:43 AM Post #11 |
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Where we gonna go from here?
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I really like it, it's really good. And I agree, I can't write a poem unless it's rhyming. |
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2:49 PM Jul 11