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Eternal; horror
Topic Started: Mar 7 2008, 02:09 AM (191 Views)
CalmB4TheStorm
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Okay guys a few things i gotta say:
i'm new at horror, dont be afraid to tell me if i suck
I dont know if i should keep writing for this one, leme know?
it is called Eternal and i hope u like it (like i said, let me know if you think i should finish it)
=)
_______________________________________


EDITING!
BACK UP SOON!
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Ben Zwycky
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Fearsome Fleet Leader :D
A number of grammatical errors and typos, not up to your usual standards, want me to point those out? As for the story itself, since it's such an unusual 'villain' it would be better to reveal it's identity or nature a lot later in the story, maintain reader suspense and/or uncertainty, to help them empathise with the hero(ine). One thing plotwise that occurs to me, why would a god who controls everything be afraid of being identified by humans?
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CalmB4TheStorm
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good points, and yes please point the errors out out,

would it not b harder to stalk prey if they knew that they were always watched?
as for the hidden identity, yeah i can c it would be better to keep that hidden for a while longer, but a lot of the plot i had planed needs that part to be revealed,
but yes,
it would b better to edit it out.

**edits**

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Esaul
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Administrator
I am testing this rubric for the novel contest.

Reader Interest: This is the first time reading a fictional piece from you. This is one giant leap from poetry to novel writing. You started the story with good description, but you started to pick up the pace, going a bit too fast for my liking. If you plan on having this as a novel piece, you should slow down and describe more. If this is a work of horror/fantasy (that's what I would think anyway) you would want to take the time to start off describing Sara Dillard a bit more, describing the scenery a bit more, and introducing us to the story a bit more. You don't want to introduce too much of what's going on too soon. This is a good skeleton to run by. At first when you described Richard as a bare skeleton I thought you were hinting at the father being rather thin which later I find out that he's not. I liked that a lot. Switching point of views can be a challenging thing and you want to do it in such a way it flows smoothly, not to leave the reader confused. Also, you want to switch point of views for a reason, not out of complete randomness. Introducing the "stalker" so soon is questionable, but it's your own story and you decide why that happens. The thing I would do is try to develop more on the character, don't reveal that he is some sort of sci-fi/fantasy type being so early on. I would rather see you develop him as a stalker who killed the father and allow the reader to assume that he's just a psychopath and nothing more. Throwing the reader off is a great and pleasant thing to do. [11/15]

Creativity: It's quite obvious to tell if a story is creative or original. If someone compares your story to another work of art, then I would not find that as creative. For some reason when I was reading about the "stalker" I thought vampire. I find that your story is original and creative. At the moment I don't have any comparisons for you (especially since I don't read or watch horror things). [10/10]

Spelling/Grammar: As Ben before me mentioned you have mistakes throughout this small selection. I will let him point them out (since I don't think I would do a good job anyway at that.) It wasn't difficult to decipher what you meant at least. The biggest thing that bothered me is how you like to type out numbers such as 5 and 10. Generally the numbers zero through ten are written out rather than using its numerical value. For me personally also using even numbers such as 500 should be spelt five hundred. If you were going to use 5,385 I would see why you would want to use the numbers instead of writing it out. But for me, I generally write out all my numbers. This section isn't graded so heavily, I don't find it as important as everything else on this rubric. [3/5]

Character Development: There was hardly if not any development of your main character thus far. It's early on, yes, but it would be useful to have an image of your character in the reader's mind from the start. It really felt you rushed a little too much instead of taking the time to paint a picture of Sara Dillard. Hopefully this changes throughout, if you decide to continue. Developing your pro and antagonist is a vital thing. It's one thing not to describe the minor characters, but to lack detail on the main character, that can be quite messy. As you continue to write, try to work in some ways to describe Sara. For me, it is hard to do that. I don't flat out describe a character. Like in my own novel I'm writing, Agyl I described the warlord Favalon as he saw himself in his love's armor. I can't flat out describe someone. And I suck at detail. Maybe try describing Sara through someone through her own eyes rather than the narrator's. Write or type what you want Sara to look like, and work bit by bit your character into the story. [0/15]

Plot: At the moment this is not applicable [x/25]

Suggestions: My suggestion for you is to rework your introduction to your story, but don't scrap it all together. You seem to know where you want to go, make sure you know how you want to get there. It may take you a couple of times to get the perfect introduction to your story, but it will be worth it. I myself went through six different ways to start out Agryl never acheiving perfection with it. Also, sit down with a friend or two, tell them how you want to start your story, see what they think.

  • Develop Sara
  • Work on spelling/grammar
  • Slow down the pace
  • Work on the element of horror, don't start the suspense so early on.
  • Don't give up
[/i]

Final Remarks:

This method of commenting on your story remember is just to test my rubric for the contest. This may undergo a couple of changes throughout, so it's not yet complete. Your story has potential, you just have to work on that pace I mentioned a couple of times. If you reveal too much information early on, it might be too much for the reader to handle, or they might not expect anything anymore. Also, describing Sara is a key thing. Description is vital! Remember that! xD The reason why your score is low was because of your description and I really couldn't talk about the plot of your story so early. I will update this later on when you add more to your story of course. And I'm looking forward to it. [24/75]
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CalmB4TheStorm
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A I now worship you, thank you so much for the help
B i see exactly what you are saying about Sara's development (and everything else you mentioned)
C thank you so much (yes, again.) this was really helpfull
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Esaul
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Lol you're welcome. Don't give up on it either ;)
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Ben Zwycky
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Fearsome Fleet Leader :D
Now you've taken it down for editing, I'll wait until it's back up before looking at the spelling/grammar issues (since I didn't save your original version :) )
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la-vida-loca
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Sometimes I think I was born backwards...
*waits*

i didn't get a chance to read it yet.
:blush:
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